Month: February 2011

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Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics. "Mr Adams has clearly lost touch with the will of the people in record time," said a Sinn Fein member, speaking under terms of strict anonymity. "There's people saying that the power has gone to his head and as a result shock and dismay are are rife throughout the Sinn Fein ranks. We have no idea how Gerry expects to get ahead in the Dail if keeps talking about economics and cannot remember to remind the Plain People of Ireland about our most revered Fenian martyr, the hunger strikes and the Peace Process". Shinners were said to be...

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Dear Constituent, Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck. I am writing this to let you know that I've been personally out all night hand-delivering this letter to your doorsteps. You: the prattling proletariat, the great unwashed, the huddled masses. I have been forced to listen to all of you, ad nauseum for the last month. And now that election...

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Dear Mr. O'Gill, Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'. Firstly, let me state quite clearly that I can not, do not, and will not formally recognise you as "Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary Ambassador on behalf of the Leprechaun Nations". I'm not even going there, my little green friend. Good luck with that. Secondly, as far as I know, the Irish government does not grant enfranchisement rights of voting, citizenship...

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Dear Harold, My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter. First, allow me to address, head on, the central request of your missive - that the Irish government fund a €3 billion project to scan, scour and if necessary dredge the entirety of Muckross Lake in Killarney, Co. Kerry in order to find the 'ancient dinosaur-like creature that dwells in the darker reaches of the murky waters' therein. The 42 pages of folklore, UFO sightings, Marfa-Light recordings, cases of poltergeists and Pookas which you sent as 'evidence...

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Dear Scutzer, Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety. In a time of historical and political firsts, your correspondence holds a special place in my heart as representing the first physical letter I have ever received that was a) so elegantly expressed in text speak and b) written on the back of a social welfare application form. I commend your outstanding use of poetic and artistic metaphor. You are, quite literally, a walking community arts project just waiting to be grant aided. I am delighted to hear of your new found interest in politics. With regard to some of the local issues close to...

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Dear Conor, Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself. That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a 'heavily-guarded fortress, manned by a large, independent miltia armed to the teeth with guns, guns and more guns, ever at the ready to fend off the invading Albionites' may be a step too far for myself and the members of my party. Your comments around the actions of the 'nefarious...

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Dear Nuala, Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party. I can't say that I have come across your group before now; but in relation to some of your concerns regarding the "unprecedented moral decline that is sweeping the country", I can wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of "something needs to be done". I pray that if elected, I may contribute towards this. Having said that, I wonder whether some of your more energetic suggestions...

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Dear Jim, thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland. I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand. Be assured Jim, neither I...

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THE NEW missal for use at Mass from next November is 'sexist, archaic, elitist and obscure', according to the Association of Catholic Priests, an internal organisation which represents the exclusively male members of an obscure, sexist, archaic institution more commonly known as the Catholic Church. It has called on the Irish Catholic Bishops Conference not to introduce the third edition of The Roman Missal until it has consulted with priests and the laity, half of which are officially deemed unfit and unable to be office holders in the organisations hierarchy. Down with this sort of thing Thousands of changes have been recently made to the current missal, the association said at a press conference yesterday. And the language used, a more literal translation of the Latin missal, is not in keeping with the "natural rhythm, cadence and syntax" of English. "Many of these new words and phrases have obscure, antiquated,...