My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter.
First, allow me to address, head on, the central request of your missive – that the Irish government fund a â‚¬3 billion project to scan, scour and if necessary dredge the entirety of Muckross Lake in Killarney, Co. Kerry in order to find the ‘ancient dinosaur-like creature that dwells in the darker reaches of the murky waters’ therein.
The 42 pages of folklore, UFO sightings, Marfa-Light recordings, cases of poltergeists and Pookas which you sent as ‘evidence for the existence of the creature’ seem well-researched, thoughtfully put together and make, in some places, a persuasive argument.
That said, I am sure you will understand me when I say that your proposed project seems like political and financial madness in light of the country’s current predicament.
Not to put too fine a point on it Harold, but you cannot seriously expect me to stand before the Dail and recommend that the entire Irish army be drafted to Killarney for an indefinite period, whilst you lead a ‘crack team of cryptozoologists, oceanographers, geologists and bikini-clad, first-year UCC archaeology students’ on a taxpayer-funded boondoggle to find a creature every bit as elusive as the leader of Fine Gael.
Furthermore, and I must be blunt with you, I do not accept your rather pointed statement that Dublin is a ‘viper’s nest of Satanists and pornographers’, nor do I accept your assertion that my refusal to acknowledge myself as one of this group and you as the ‘Keeper of Ancient Wetland and Lake-Dwelling Monsters’ is proof of the fact that I too, am a Satanist and pornographer.
For God’s sakes man. Get a grip, will you? I have canvassing to do and would appreciate no further correspondence on this matter. And the same goes for that jumped-up burlesque dancer of a wife of yours. I have had quite enough of her presence about my campaign headquarters.
I trust this letter finds you well and that you will see your way to giving me your No. 1 on Election Day.
Is mise le meas,
Image from Flickr Commons, user under a CC licence
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 1