Year: 2011

1110 views

Dear Scutzer, Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety. In a time of historical and political firsts, your correspondence holds a special place in my heart as representing the first physical letter I have ever received that was a) so elegantly expressed in text speak and b) written on the back of a social welfare application form. I commend your outstanding use of poetic and artistic metaphor. You are, quite literally, a walking community arts project just waiting to be grant aided. I am delighted to hear of your new found interest in politics. With regard to some of the local issues close to...

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Dear Conor, Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself. That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a 'heavily-guarded fortress, manned by a large, independent miltia armed to the teeth with guns, guns and more guns, ever at the ready to fend off the invading Albionites' may be a step too far for myself and the members of my party. Your comments around the actions of the 'nefarious...

1148 views

Dear Nuala, Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party. I can't say that I have come across your group before now; but in relation to some of your concerns regarding the "unprecedented moral decline that is sweeping the country", I can wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment of "something needs to be done". I pray that if elected, I may contribute towards this. Having said that, I wonder whether some of your more energetic suggestions...

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Dear Jim, thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland. I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand. Be assured Jim, neither I...

1109 views

THE NEW missal for use at Mass from next November is 'sexist, archaic, elitist and obscure', according to the Association of Catholic Priests, an internal organisation which represents the exclusively male members of an obscure, sexist, archaic institution more commonly known as the Catholic Church. It has called on the Irish Catholic Bishops Conference not to introduce the third edition of The Roman Missal until it has consulted with priests and the laity, half of which are officially deemed unfit and unable to be office holders in the organisations hierarchy. Down with this sort of thing Thousands of changes have been recently made to the current missal, the association said at a press conference yesterday. And the language used, a more literal translation of the Latin missal, is not in keeping with the "natural rhythm, cadence and syntax" of English. "Many of these new words and phrases have obscure, antiquated,...