Year: 2011
Spiderman found face down in Amsterdam canal, dead
Dead spiderman, facedown in a canal, Amsterdam By Pieter van de Park Amsterdam, June 22nd 2011 -- Authorities are investigating after well-known superhero Spiderman was found face down in an Amsterdam Canal this morning. A man, yet to be named, but said to be the proprietor of local 'coffee shop' The Green Goblin, is currently being questioned. Unconfirmed reports of an all-night skunk binge are thought to have led to the American superhero's demise. Amsterdam's mayor, Eberhard van der Laan, staunch defender of the low-lying city's cannabis-selling cafes, currently fighting a nationwide push to restrict tourist access to drugs said: "The mind-opening products available in Amsterdam are to be treated with caution and are to be enjoyed responsibly. It's altogether possible that spiderman thought that as a superhero, he was immune to the effects of superskunk. It's a sad state of affairs. Our thoughts are with the family... and arachnids...
First British Person In 100 Years Visits Dublin
On Tuesday, an elderly British woman became the first inhabitant of the British Isles to visit Ireland in nearly a century. Her expedition included an army of security guards, short, fat dogs and the British 'Prime Minister' (similar to our Taoiseach). The British Isles are a small archipelago that lie to the east of the Irish mainland. The woman, who appeared to have borrowed her outfit from Iris was said (via a translator) to have been amused by the 'very odd accent' of the inhabitants. Taoiseach Enda Kenny was asked to comment, but was stopped from doing so by several members of Seal Team Six who cited a a British Court-ordered superinjunction which prevents him from mentioning the woman by name. His own political party, Fine Gael, are said to be enamoured with the idea and are considering lodging their own superinjunction against him saying 'anything at all in public'...
Irish Government Cancels St. Patrick’s Day
Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis. Incoming Minister of Manipulation & Keeping Up Appearances, Fergus O'Flatulence, speaking to reporters early this morning, confirmed the shock move and sought to clarify the governments motivation. "Listen here to me now, lads, its a decision we didn't take lightly, but in the current economic climate, its one that had to be made. We can't be seen to be frivolously wasting taxpayers money, you know. Policing, traffic diversions,...
Elation Once Again: Irish Bowled Over With Historic Cricket Win
Following their historic victory over England in the Cricket World Cup, the entire Irish nation is this afternoon finally waking up to scenes of wanton carnage and drunken devastation following forty eight hours of unprecedented national celebrations. In what is being hailed as 'The Final Victory Against the Sassanach' (from Old Irish: meaning 'West Kraut'), many citizens are calling on the authorities to declare a national holiday in honour of 'Our Brave Fenian Boys' who snapped victory from the jaws of defeat whilst simultaneously ending 800 Years of English Obsession (TM). Within minutes of the win, in scenes reminiscent of Italia 90, there were numerous reports of children brandishing cricket bats and gathering in droves on GAA pitches the length and breadth of the country. Parents were observed enjoying tea and crumpets whilst looking on in pride. Many shopkeepers in Cork reported a run on supplies of 'Cricket for Dummies',...
Louther than bombs: Louth ceded to British Crown, along with Gerry Adams
Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year. County Louth (an insignificant backwater and radioactive wasteland populated with feral tribes and smelling overwhelmingly of laundered diesel fuel and contraband cigarettes) has long been considered an international embarrassment and an unnecessary drain on the States finances. There is also little doubt that the move is directly related to the recent election by the county of Baron Von Gerry Adams, (Former Columbian Travel Agent, Ex Northern Bank security analyst and current Crown Steward and Bailiff...
Sinn Fein Stunned To Find Signs Of Civilisation South of Border
Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting. Speaking on terms of strict anonymity, several newly-elected Sinn Fein TDs have told blather.net of their amazement at discovering that the state of the Republic of Ireland is 'mostly alright' and is not, as many had seemed to believe, 'a quagmire of unrealised nationalist aspirations governed by an elite of fat, Protestant farmers who rule over the Catholic masses like medieval barons' as they had been told during their childhood in the north. Some Shinners were surprised to find that the state has a functioning police service, nurses and doctors who work in hospitals, bus drivers who drive working buses and a fully-functional electricity and water service. 'This is incredible, so this is' said...
Gerry Adams Under Attack After Not Mentioning Bobby Sands In Interview
Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics. "Mr Adams has clearly lost touch with the will of the people in record time," said a Sinn Fein member, speaking under terms of strict anonymity. "There's people saying that the power has gone to his head and as a result shock and dismay are are rife throughout the Sinn Fein ranks. We have no idea how Gerry expects to get ahead in the Dail if keeps talking about economics and cannot remember to remind the Plain People of Ireland about our most revered Fenian martyr, the hunger strikes and the Peace Process". Shinners were said to be...
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 7. Election Day
Dear Constituent, Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck. I am writing this to let you know that I've been personally out all night hand-delivering this letter to your doorsteps. You: the prattling proletariat, the great unwashed, the huddled masses. I have been forced to listen to all of you, ad nauseum for the last month. And now that election...
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 6
Dear Mr. O'Gill, Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'. Firstly, let me state quite clearly that I can not, do not, and will not formally recognise you as "Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary Ambassador on behalf of the Leprechaun Nations". I'm not even going there, my little green friend. Good luck with that. Secondly, as far as I know, the Irish government does not grant enfranchisement rights of voting, citizenship...
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 5
Dear Harold, My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter. First, allow me to address, head on, the central request of your missive - that the Irish government fund a €3 billion project to scan, scour and if necessary dredge the entirety of Muckross Lake in Killarney, Co. Kerry in order to find the 'ancient dinosaur-like creature that dwells in the darker reaches of the murky waters' therein. The 42 pages of folklore, UFO sightings, Marfa-Light recordings, cases of poltergeists and Pookas which you sent as 'evidence...