(SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND) Exhausted gamer Brian Usbport-O’Reilly announced to assembled media at six o’clock this morning that ‘it’s time to finish this shite’ and then proceeded to kick in the window of the local HMV, in order to finally acquire a copy of the much-anticipated Halo 3. An affray ensued leading to six fatal injuries, a knee-capping and an exorcism.
The incident occured after Usbport-O’Reilly (17) had waited on the pavement for six days and seven nights, enduring rain, wind, blizzards, badger attacks and the attentions of market researchers.
After having a TV camera shoved in his face and been asked staggeringly patronising questions by a bequiffed Sky News wanker for the 14th time in three hours, Usbport-O’Reilly punched a cameraman, bit a cat and uttered the inflammatory remarks, sending a small army of gamers into an orgy of violence.
Gardai are reported to have made four arrests and said that they would be ‘pursuing these criminals to the ends of last level’.
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