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December 31, 2003

Clontarf based Science Team Find 'The Clitoris'

Posted by damien

Filthy_Hack.JPGA team of elite adventurers, maverick scientists and fornicating bloggers have shocked the scientific community today with a breathtaking announcement. "After almost two millennia of fruitless searching" said Professor Jim-Bob Gobstopper, "It would appear that we have done the unthinkable. We can reveal the secret of how to find the clitoris"

The announcement has been greeted with shock, excitement and outrage by Dublin scientists, politicians and prostitutes. Professor Gobstopper, joined by a phalanx of white-coated colleagues, held a press conference at Dublin Castle this morning to elaborate on his findings. dispatched its' award-winning Science/Celebrity Vaginal Surgery correspondent, Filthy Hack (pictured), to get the scoop.

When vigorously cross-examined on the validity of this astonishing claim Gobstopper showed the thronging crowd of assembled scientists, saddlesniffers and pornographers some intriguing film footage - filmed, it would appear, on a mobile phone. After some unintentional amusement (when the Professor accidentally showed a video clip of one of his interns happy-slapping a sheep), the gathering were treated to an exclusive look at this 'world-first' finding.

The footage, later uploaded to Youtube (causing the site to temporarily crash), revealed a small, bleary-eyed pink object. Gobstopper explained that over-exposure to bright lights is deeply damaging to the creature and that the film had to be shot in low-light to save from injuring it. This announcement led to derisive cat-calls from the crowd with shouts of 'Lying bastard - that's a prawn!' and 'I've seen better' from assembled members of the clergy.

Gobstopper elaborated on the intriguing and revolutionary process by which he and his team conducted their research. Using EU grants to the tune of €8 billion, Gobstopper and his team hired an army of prostitutes - gathered from the four corners of the European Union, to assist in the world's largest synchronised vaginal prodding. The entire event was filmed by a battery of two thousand hi-def digital cameras on loan from George Lucas. A highlights package is mooted for a Christmas DVD release. The clip shown at the conference, Gobstopper claimed, showed 'merely the tip of the big pink iceberg'.

Almost immediately, the film footage became the source of controversy. "The film was a touch fuzzy and the sound was slightly obscured by a loud 70’s wah-wah-pedal guitar soundtrack, but it would, at first glance, appear to be genuine" said an Irish Government spokesman, Senator Keith Gill.

The revelation has astounded scientists across the globe. “I mean seriously now, this is breathtaking stuff. A discovery on a par with Crick and Watson's double-helix” said Dr. Brian Redmond of the Los Angeles Institute of Vaginal Mythology. Others were not so impressed. Leading proctologist Ian Devine threw doubt on the claims. "You must understand, this claim is quite incredible. Over two and a half thousand years of medical history and suddenly it turns up in the back of a Fiat Punto on Dollymount Strand? I don't fuckiing think so. Next he'll be announcing he's found the G-spot. Pfff."

We called the offices of Professor Gobstopper in Clontarf, Dublin for an interview but his office was, according to his secretary, currently besieged by a horde of rampaging housewives. More as we get it.

Posted by damien at December 31, 2003 4:18 PM

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