No more semi-loitering for tourists
A group of traders in the Grafton St./Nassau St. area of Dublin have called for a minimum speed to be introduced. The group estimates that more than €100 million is being lost annually due to ‘slow walking’.
‘It get especially bad in June’, said a spokesman, owner of a business on Nassau St. ‘ People can’t out to buy lunch, or to meetings. Once the tourists arrive, no one can get up or down the street, it all grinds to a halt. These people may walk like this in their own country, but they should be informed that the people of Dublin are not on their holidays.’
The group has also called on Dublin City Council to introduce a network of ‘speed cameras’ for pedestrians at busy junctions such as the bottom of Dawson St. They suggest that the Mandatory fines would be imposed in order to decrease the amount of ‘semi-loitering’ which is alledgedly taking place.
[Note added 4/11/03: This piece was written as satire… but it got picked up and circulated as if it was true. I got a phone call from one journalist to ask me if it was true… I was so surprised that anyone noticed that I said ‘no’. Yet friends who worked in the production department of another paper had to ‘catch it’ before it went out as truth. For more on all of this see
Knick Knack, Paddy Hack >>]
what about the poor oldtimers with walkers? what about the japs? perhaps ban cars.
and what about us homeless bums? doesn’t seem fair.
i occasionaly need to urinate whilst walking. i don’t think that should a matter of public record.
whilst walking in prague in 1968 i noticed a tube sticking out of the sidewalk. no one was about so i urinated in that tube. only later (when safely home) did i learn that i did the proper thing.
i must confess…years ago i took a dump on the sidewalk of prague. i’ve held this within me these many years, now i want to confess.
god help us all!
well, it seems i’m the only one here. does that mean i can sing a song for those millions that listen but stay silent? what do you think, you people to the right…YEAH, SING…DO SING. and you to the left…BELT ONE OUT FOR THE PEOPLE, WE SAY. OK, says i, and here goes…
South of the border down Mexico way/That’s where I fell in love when stars above came to play/And now as I wander, my thoughts every stray/South of the border down Mexico way,
South of the border I rode back one day/There in a veil of white by candlelight she knelt to pray to pray,
The mission bells told me that I couldn’t stay/South of the border down Mexico way.
Ay! Ay! Ay! – Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!
‘Mexico’ – By Beck
Come gather round me people, here’s a story you never heard
‘Bout me and my friends and some shit that occured
We thought we’d get some money
We thought that we’d might go
Spend a weekend pleasant down in Mexico
I was workin’ at McDonalds, doin the late night run
When a car pulled up the drive-thru and pointed out a gun
Said, “Give us all your money and three Big Macs to go”
I stuffed them all in a bag and I ducked down below
Well the boss got angry when he found out I didn’t call the police
I guess I was kinda nervous, they had a warant out on me
Concerning some jaywalking tickets I couldn’t afford to pay
Needless to say I got the axe that same day
Well me bein out of work just then
I didn’t want to go home
My mom said if I lost this job I’d have to go out on my own
So I went over to Dave’s house and got really stoned
Called up some girls but nont of them were home
Steve came over and he brought some alcohol
We’re gettin really depressed just starin’ at the wall
Thought if we’d get some money, we thought that we might go
Spend a weekend pleasant down in Mexico
Steve’s dad had a huntin rifle and we went and picked it up
We stopped into the 7-11 to try our luck
We raised up that huntin rifle but the counter guy just laughed
As he pulled out a uzi we turned and hauled ass
We were runnin so fast til we came to the McDonalds where I used to work
We walked up to the drive-thru and gave my boss a jerk
Said, “Give us all your money and three Big Macs to go
And suck on this you weasel, we’re goin to Mexico”
Down south we all got really wasted, Dave got a case of the runs
We’re all really hungover and gettin’ low on funds
Dave and Steve called their parents and took the bus back home
Me, I got a job at McDonalds down in Mexico.
i say this as a post scriptum as you are probably dead now…but, i thought everyone knew they used dog meat in the burgers down old mexico way.
is any one out there. please speak. my only choice is masturbation or television. i’m on the horns of an enema.
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