(DUBLIN) Jojoba Witnesses were ‘outraged’ today when a passing Irishman threw a dirty rope to a drowning Jojoba Witness in the Grand Canal. Horrified at coming into contact with an ‘unclean substance’ the Jojoba Witnesses have marched on the offices of the Irish Government to express their disgust at this repulsive act of of benevolence.
It was an average day for Myles na gCopaleen, taking, as was his custom, a stroll down the banks of the Grand Canal in Dublin city centre. The quiet morning ambulation was disrupted when na gCopaleen was alerted to the shrieks and screams of a drowning man in the canal. Thinking nothing of his own safety, na gCopaleen grabbed a rope which was tethered to a nearby lock and cast it to the stricken man. After several unsuccessful attempts the man was dragged to safety.
However, rather than receiving thanks for his heroic efforts, na gCopaleen now finds himself the centre of a religious storm with Jojoba Witnesses demanding that he be summarily executed by firing squad for ‘desecrating the flesh’ of the man he saved with the dirty rope.
‘This is scandalous!’ thundered Elder Pro-Vitamin B5, a senior member of the Irish Church of Jojoba, ‘it’s a breathtaking affront to the glorious name of Jojoba and all that follow him. Our order has strict observations regarding the use moisturisers, oils and unguents on the skin. Our highest laws concern the contamination of church members by dirt, filth and canal scum. The actions of Myles na gCopaleen are simply beyond all comprehension and should be condemned by all right-thinking people’
Blather was able to track na gCopaleen to a north-Dublin bar where we asked him for his thoughts on the matter, to which he replied ‘Are ye buying me a pint or wha’, ye ugly saddle-sniffing, ingrate shitehawk‘
From Breaking News.ie