Year: 2006

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Shock, dismay and outrage greeted today's announcement that members of the Irish clergy stand accused of keeping a respectful distance from children and not violently buggering every child under the age of ten to death with an assortment of prize-winning vegetables. The allegations were carried in today's newspapers after the publication yesterday lunchtime of a 600-page report on the sexual and private activities of 2,000 members of the Irish clergy. Over the period of seven exhaustive months, the Priests were polled, examined, briefed, de-briefed, probed, prodded, strung up on meat hooks, slapped around the head with a copy of the Bible whilst a large, hairy tattooed man called 'Big Osama' screeched passages of the Koran at them through a 30 foot megaphone whilst pelting them with balls of altar boys' shit. 'I'm horrified,' said Colm O'Pinionated, a local politician from Ballybanjoplucker, Co. Donegal. 'It's outrageous behaviour - quite simply unacceptable...

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(LONDON) The fate of Fintan Lockhart, a 26-year-old marketing executive from East Croydon, hangs in the balance this evening as he struggles to control an unstoppable, 18-foot turd which erupted out of his ass this morning, blasting three clients out of a second-storey office-window in Soho. The incident occured during a routine presentation to a client. Lockhart was briefing Andrew Johnson, the president of Felch Records, on the corporate identity and marketing strategy for the new manufactured boy band ‘'Non-threatening eunchs''. A few minutes into his presentation, Lockhart was overcome with a torrent of uncontrollable flatulence and began braying like a donkey. After assaulting two security guards, he then kicked in the door of an adjoining bathroom and commenced what is now believed to be the longest, most violent bowel-movement in recorded medical history. ‘We just can’t explain it’ said Dr. Phil Greenspam, a proctologist and surgeon from St. Clemence’s...

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Outsourcing, globalisation and increased cost of knee-capping blamed by regional IRA commanders. 'A disaster for the whole fuckin' community' says murky, balaclava-wearing figure. (BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation, which has focused on the organisations' ability to compete in the new global terrorism market: a market which many cocaine-fuelled tabloid hacks and a small army of syphilis-riddled market analysts have begun calling 'Terrorism 2.0'. The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with the inclusion of the ten new member states, an axis of power has shifted from employees to employers in the older member states. The associated economic impact has been felt globally and, at a local level, made it increasingly more and more difficult for businesses like the IRA to makes...