(GALWAY) Long-term lonely-heart and five-times ‘Bunny Boiler of the Year’ award-winner Mairead O’Hoop claimed she was struck deaf by the incessant ticking of her own biological clock last night, in the midst of a frenetic round of speed dating. Having successfully scared off five men in under six minutes, O’Hoop (32, possibly 38) was reported to be in the midst of conversing with a handsome manure farmer from Leitrim and was so taken with his manly charms, that the passing seconds became akin to the bongs of the Angelus, rendering her incapable of hearing his screams for mercy as she seized him by the genitalia and dragged him to the bathroom.
‘We’ve seen this happen a couple of times now’ said Eimear Grasp, the founder of ‘sweatygropeinthebackofataxi.com’ the singles and dating network which facilitates the popular speed-dating events of which O’Hoop has been a regular patron. ‘Some women, well, they’ve had about five thousand dates, are bored to within an inch of their lives and when they actually meet a man who, you know [snorts], they even suspect might be a decent skin, they completely lose the plot’. Wailing, screaming, offers of threesomes with sheep and rampant, unchecked coffee consumption are not uncommon in such circumstances.
And it’s not just the women, reports Grasp, but indeed the men-folk who have been known to lose the run of themselves at such events. ‘One bloke, about two weeks ago, threatened to hack his own legs off with a scythe if a woman didn’t give him her phone number. Another shaved all the hair off his back, fashioned a rudimentary noose out of it and threatened to hang himself from the lamppost outside a woman’s place of work if a she didn’t have coffee with him.’
And it appears that in some instances it’s the males who are the worst menaces. ‘The worst case we had was the 55 year-old taxi driver who started buying James Blunt albums and learning off the songs in order to woo a 65 year-old Donegal widow. Thankfully the authorities intervened and had him sectioned before he could hurt himself or anyone else’
Artwork by Dr. Joanne