Last night, at the water torture facility at Mosney, Sheikhin’ Stevens admitted to all his foul crimes, including the terrorist attacks on America of September 11, 2001, the Bali bombing, the Madrid bombing and the July 7 bombings in London.
“I did it all,” he said in a statement issued to the press by his jailers. “I did your seplember elementh whatever it was! I also did Pearl Harbour hee hee ha ha. I was the Zodiac Killer too. It was I who assassinated JFK from the Grassy Knoll, letting the infidel Oswald take the fall. I also assassinated RFK, MLK, Special K and John Lennon. I killed Bambi. I shot J.R. I murdered the chauffeur in The Big Sleep. I was the Third Man. I am Keyser Soze. I have links with the international bourgeousie under comrade Trotsky. I frightened Miss Muffet away. I tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden.” When asked why he did these misdeeds, Sheikhy answered, “Because I hate freedom.”
It has been suggested that Mr Stevens may not have committed all these crimes, as he made his confession at an arcane, secret tribunal, closed to public scrutiny. It is known that the Justice Department and the C.I.A. authorised torture in this case, specifically the torture method technically known as “either your signature goes on that confession or your brains”. The Sheikh’s statement does address this issue, as the Evil One clearly states, “I have not been tortured and am signing this document of my own free will.” The document was witnessed by military officers wearing ritual masks and gowns. Mr Mob Lynch of the Justice Department spoke to the press this morning about the torture allegations. “We got ‘im! We have 25,000 unsolved murders in this country and Sheikh Shakin’ Stevens has confessed to them all!”
Amerigo Vespucci, an electric chair, issued a statement on behalf of justice, democracy and freedom last night. “I will embrace Sheikhy soon, in accordance with United States penal code Exodus 21:24, and we will be wedded in violent death,” he remarked.
Full transcript of Sheikh’s confession.