Shaky Admits All Crimes

shakin.jpgLast night, at the water torture facility at Mosney, Sheikhin’ Stevens admitted to all his foul crimes, including the terrorist attacks on America of September 11, 2001, the Bali bombing, the Madrid bombing and the July 7 bombings in London.

“I did it all,” he said in a statement issued to the press by his jailers. “I did your seplember elementh whatever it was! I also did Pearl Harbour hee hee ha ha. I was the Zodiac Killer too. It was I who assassinated JFK from the Grassy Knoll, letting the infidel Oswald take the fall. I also assassinated RFK, MLK, Special K and John Lennon. I killed Bambi. I shot J.R. I murdered the chauffeur in The Big Sleep. I was the Third Man. I am Keyser Soze. I have links with the international bourgeousie under comrade Trotsky. I frightened Miss Muffet away. I tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden.” When asked why he did these misdeeds, Sheikhy answered, “Because I hate freedom.”
It has been suggested that Mr Stevens may not have committed all these crimes, as he made his confession at an arcane, secret tribunal, closed to public scrutiny. It is known that the Justice Department and the C.I.A. authorised torture in this case, specifically the torture method technically known as “either your signature goes on that confession or your brains”. The Sheikh’s statement does address this issue, as the Evil One clearly states, “I have not been tortured and am signing this document of my own free will.” The document was witnessed by military officers wearing ritual masks and gowns. Mr Mob Lynch of the Justice Department spoke to the press this morning about the torture allegations. “We got ‘im! We have 25,000 unsolved murders in this country and Sheikh Shakin’ Stevens has confessed to them all!”
Amerigo Vespucci, an electric chair, issued a statement on behalf of justice, democracy and freedom last night. “I will embrace Sheikhy soon, in accordance with United States penal code Exodus 21:24, and we will be wedded in violent death,” he remarked.
Full transcript of Sheikh’s confession.

Barry Kavanagh writes fiction, and has made music, formerly with Dacianos.

Contact him here.


  1. This story would be worth reading if the accompanying picture of me actually displayed properly!

  2. Shut your evil gob, Shaky. It displays fine in both Firefox and Internet Explorer. How many browsers do you want me to test it on? If you’re not lying to me aobut this (and you probably are), you should go and throw your computer in the bin. You evil Nazi. You are against freedom.

  3. and ye doubt the efficency of Military justice, pah, now that we have had him confess to everything evil that ever happened in the world we can just let the rest of the guys go, oh hang ona minute, roight, we cant do that theys Terrorisimist, no wait they were accomplices, his second, third, threehundredandtewntyseventh in command, they’re all guilty of being beardy and shifty lookin and bein foreignists, I’m sure its illegal to be them so.

  4. well actually, it shows up right till u click comments, then the picture has his face missing, anyway, i always thought davis hasslehoff was the most evil man in extistance…. damn shaky u suprised me

  5. It was his unorthodox appropriation of the Christmas tree image that struck fear into my childhood.
    We never ‘rocked’ around the Christmas tree at our house. I was afraid my parents would…

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