Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh
Can’t decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty.
Voting YES to Lisbon will mean the following:
1. Your first born-son will be automatically drafted in the Supra-National EuroArmy and immediately dispatched to a cave in Afghanistan to serve as a human sacrifice on Osama Bin Laden’s Altar of Muslim Atrocity.
2. Your first-born daughter will be taken from you in the middle of the night, flown to a unknown location and forced to dance naked for the amusement of faceless, braying Eurocrats in a giant Bavarian burlesque show whilst being pelted with lumps of raw meat to the sound of ‘O Fortuna’.
3. 10% of your taxes will be spent on paying for Raymond Domenech’s horoscope consultations.
4. A further 10% of your wages will used to pay for Cristiano Ronaldo’s hairdressing bills when he moves to [distant sound of thunder] Real Madrid.
5. All citizens of the EU will be required to submit themselves to being chipped with an RFID transmittor – inserted in their genitalia. Sexual activities will be taxed at a rate of â‚¬50 per orgasm, per hour.
6. Bananas will no longer be known as ‘bananas’ but will be re-named as ‘das yellow tuber’ and will be mandatory staples of citizens’ diets. Six a day, bitch.
7. All EU citizens will be hereby required to prostrate themselves before a webcam at 6.00pm every evening when Der Fuhrer Euro-Prez Tony ‘Herr Schtinken Hosen’ Blair appears onscreen to recieve your adoring adulation.
8. The ‘Swedish Chef Song’ will replace all national anthems as the one true anthem of unity. Failure to sing the new anthem before all ‘euro-ball’ games will result in a violent, public buggering by a fat, sweating paedophile wearing a Jeremy Clarkson mask.
9. All right-hand drive cars will be re-cycled into painfully fashionable steampunk-themed marital aids, to be flogged to discerning Finnish gang-bangers. You will be not be re-imbursed for the cost of your car.
10. David Hasselhoff will be appointed Supreme Minister for Culture, the Arts and Quiffs. Failure to recognise the authority of ‘Das Hoff’ will incur six weeks in a 4×4 cell with Joseph Fritzl and a sizeable ‘yellow tuber’.