[GENEVA] A mere two hours after the ignition of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva, a giant army of chocolate-eating zombies has reportedly swept across Switzerland and over the border from Basel into Germany where outbreaks of apologetic biting and collaborative law-making have been reported in cities from Munich to Hamburg.
Further to the panic reported in the streets of Switzerland and Germany, French authorities have prepared themselves for the onslaught of toblerone-devouring yobs who may try to surge across the alps in a frenzied search for more nougaty goodness.
Our man on the ground, award-winning celebrity stalker Fithy Hack, caught up with some of the army of the undead and asked them what gives. This is a fragment from his last transmission inside the quarantine zone:
[sounds of screaming, yodelling, distant car alarms and breaking glass]
Hack: Excuse me, can you tell me what it is your looking for?
Zombie: Vell, it’s very simple. We want direct democracy for all, a 30-hour working week and as many Mozart Balls as we can get our hands on.
Hack: Mozart Balls? Aren’t they Austrian?
Zombie: [pauses] You may be correct in your assertion my good man, but your impertinence may now cost you a leg.
Hack: A leg?
Zombie: Ya. But rest assured that we have the best medical care in the world [sounds of shuffling feet and loud groaning getting closer] and should be able to give you a suitable prosthetic replacement…
The switching-on of the Large Hadron Collider has been trumpeted as a landmark moment in the history of particle physics and science as a whole as boffins try to re-create the conditions of the Big Bang by spending a simply ridiculous amount of money on the world’s largest underground hamster wheel. In addition to revealing the Higgs-Boson (a.k.a ‘The Dawkins Particle’) scientists also hope to discover if Sarah Palin is actually The Fucking Antichrist and (although scientists are playing this one down) evidence for the existence of ‘the clitoris‘.
But early reports indicate that the experiments may have gone awry – opening a portal to another dimension and allowing a noxious gas from the inside of a Bristol pothead’s bedroom to filter through into the water supply of thousands of Swiss civilians.
Bloggers inside the zone reported that a spontaneous mass of Swiss students then surged across the country, smashing the windows of every chocolate shop and newsagent in an apocalyptic case of the munchies. Having exhausted the entire national supply the mob then burst across the border into Germany where they were met with a hail of novelty chocolate coins in the shape of Nazi gold bullion.
More as we get it.
Image from the movie Shaun of the Dead