Kids ‘Too Damn Sexy’ Says Catholic Church

[Dublin] Catholic priests are not the ‘sexual predators’ that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the ‘victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy’ to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into ‘a state of disrepute and disgrace’, according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests.

Speaking before a press conference in the Vatican this morning, Cardinal Von Graspenpantzen, Chief Spokesman of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said that he believed he knew exactly who was behind the recent allegations of mass child-rape levelled at the Catholic church.
‘”An extensive Vatican investigation of itself has finally brought to light who precisely is responsible for these scurrilous accusations”, said Graspenpantzen. “As previously stated, the Vatican has already established that Satan, who is currently at work in the Vatican, has been employing the Jews to do his legwork. What we’ve been able to establish in recent days is how exactly our priests were framed, and who was responsible – the homosexuals.
‘Homosexuals have infiltrated the Vatican
,’ he said ‘in a mass spying operation; placing themselves in positions of power and influence, and have gone so far as to employ gangs of vulnerable children to dress provocatively around priests and then seduce them. It’s an utter outrage, and they must be held accountable.”
Pressed by Blather correspondent on how the priests were duped, the Cardinal was explicit.
“A classic case is that of Irish priest Father Ciaran O’Buff. Father O’Buff was a tireless servant of the community for almost three decades in his north Dublin parish, faithfully executing the will of the Lord and standing tall as a pillar of the community” replied Von Graspenpantzen, momentarily pausing to place his feet upon a prone altar boy, kneeling on the floor in front of him.
“Then, fifteen years ago,” he continued, “He was seduced by a merciless, predatory seven-year old girl. This wanton tramp presented herself before Father O’Buff clad in what I can only describe as the most provocative and scandalous clothing imaginable. God almighty.’
‘But thankfully for us, Father O’Buff kept detailed photographic records of each sexual encounter and what the young harlot was wearing so that we are fortunate enough to be in a position to prove the veracity of our claims. A detailed file of the clothing that all these dirty little tarts were wearing is being prepared by our legal counsels and will be submitted to the relevant courts and authorities by the end of the month.”
Asked how the Church could reconcile this latest claim with their previous statements, most specifically another Cardinal’s assertion that the latest scandals were not the product of paedophilia but homosexuality, Von Graspenpantzen answered: ‘Well some of these young girls were very butch’.
Von Graspenpantzen then left the press conference “to do penance” – but wouldn’t disclose his motives for doing so.
More as we get it.
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  1. I presume this story is one of sarcasm of the church’s cognitive dissonance on the abuses perpetuated by the management?

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