Month: September 2010
Leinster House Declared ‘Green Zone’ After Suicide Bombing Narrowly Fails
Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction. Shocked politicians, some of which had not even made it into work yet, spoke of the unfolding horror. One Dail member, Fergus O'Loud, said that it was 'his understanding' that a Garda on duty had to jump out of the way as the truck was driven up to the entrance. "Imagine that, one minute you're chewing your fruit pastilles, picking your nose and ignoring the tourists asking you for help and directions; the next, your caught up in a life or...
All-party condemnation for ‘sober’ TD found working late in Dail office
Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office. According to reports from the cleaning staff, the TD concerned had apparently been there since 3pm the previous afternoon, studying the latest financial watchdog's report into the ongoing criminal waste of taxpayers money by the Irish government. "We figured that was a bit strange all right", said one staff member, "But when we heard the call for closing time at the Dail bar and saw that he still wasn't budging, we decided to alert the authorities". Speaking at a hastily arranged Garda news conference this morning, details of the incident were relayed by Detective Garda Fiachradh MacFluthered, who was...
Ireland Introduces ‘Ave Maria Law’
Hot on the heels of the much-lauded ruling from a district judge who sentenced an Irish man to a pilgrimage up the side of Croagh Patrick for swearing at a member of the Gardai (the Irish police service) calls have been made by senior members of the judiciary to move quickly to impose 'Ave Maria law', which would see a dramatic increase in secular crimes being punished with overtly Catholic sentences. Initial reports given to the Blather offices suggested that the Irish judicial system was to be temporarily reworked in honour of papal visit to Britain. For one week only, Irish judges were to impose Decades of the Rosary sentences as standard for most petty criminal offences before the courts. However, given the positive reception for the Croagh Patrick sentencing it has been proposed that 'scantily clad bitches' (or 'witches' - there was a crackle on the line at this...
Do You Get The Smell Of Porter?
'When votes are tight and hard to get And your currency has also ran, When all you have is a heap of debt - A pint of plain, is your only man'* More Cowen absolutely, positively not drunk during interview on radio Image Photo from Talk News Media used under a CC licence *with apologies to Flann. Forgive us.
International uproar over Islamic plans for ‘Burn A Python Day’
Political and religious leaders from around the world have condemned a Saudi Arabian cleric's 'disrespectful' and 'disgraceful' plans to burn hundreds of copies of Monty Python's 'Big Red Book' on the anniversary of the 11 September attacks. The planned open-air ceremony, already dubbed 'the mother of all burnings' is scheduled to take place this coming Saturday at an insignificant mosque that nobody has ever heard of before, located in the arse-end of the deep Arabian south. The controversial protest is suspected to have been triggered by Islamic outrage at the forthcoming 'Burn a Koran Day' by Pastor Terry Jones of Loonsville, Florida. Jones is no stranger to controversy, having previously been castigated by religious authorities for dressing up as a woman, speaking in a squeaky voice and daring to mock the very image of the Messiah. According to his distraught mother, Mandy, "He really has gone too far this time....