Year: 2010
Leinster House Declared ‘Green Zone’ After Suicide Bombing Narrowly Fails
Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction. Shocked politicians, some of which had not even made it into work yet, spoke of the unfolding horror. One Dail member, Fergus O'Loud, said that it was 'his understanding' that a Garda on duty had to jump out of the way as the truck was driven up to the entrance. "Imagine that, one minute you're chewing your fruit pastilles, picking your nose and ignoring the tourists asking you for help and directions; the next, your caught up in a life or...
All-party condemnation for ‘sober’ TD found working late in Dail office
Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office. According to reports from the cleaning staff, the TD concerned had apparently been there since 3pm the previous afternoon, studying the latest financial watchdog's report into the ongoing criminal waste of taxpayers money by the Irish government. "We figured that was a bit strange all right", said one staff member, "But when we heard the call for closing time at the Dail bar and saw that he still wasn't budging, we decided to alert the authorities". Speaking at a hastily arranged Garda news conference this morning, details of the incident were relayed by Detective Garda Fiachradh MacFluthered, who was...
Ireland Introduces ‘Ave Maria Law’
Hot on the heels of the much-lauded ruling from a district judge who sentenced an Irish man to a pilgrimage up the side of Croagh Patrick for swearing at a member of the Gardai (the Irish police service) calls have been made by senior members of the judiciary to move quickly to impose 'Ave Maria law', which would see a dramatic increase in secular crimes being punished with overtly Catholic sentences. Initial reports given to the Blather offices suggested that the Irish judicial system was to be temporarily reworked in honour of papal visit to Britain. For one week only, Irish judges were to impose Decades of the Rosary sentences as standard for most petty criminal offences before the courts. However, given the positive reception for the Croagh Patrick sentencing it has been proposed that 'scantily clad bitches' (or 'witches' - there was a crackle on the line at this...
Do You Get The Smell Of Porter?
'When votes are tight and hard to get And your currency has also ran, When all you have is a heap of debt - A pint of plain, is your only man'* More Cowen absolutely, positively not drunk during interview on radio Image Photo from Talk News Media used under a CC licence *with apologies to Flann. Forgive us.
International uproar over Islamic plans for ‘Burn A Python Day’
Political and religious leaders from around the world have condemned a Saudi Arabian cleric's 'disrespectful' and 'disgraceful' plans to burn hundreds of copies of Monty Python's 'Big Red Book' on the anniversary of the 11 September attacks. The planned open-air ceremony, already dubbed 'the mother of all burnings' is scheduled to take place this coming Saturday at an insignificant mosque that nobody has ever heard of before, located in the arse-end of the deep Arabian south. The controversial protest is suspected to have been triggered by Islamic outrage at the forthcoming 'Burn a Koran Day' by Pastor Terry Jones of Loonsville, Florida. Jones is no stranger to controversy, having previously been castigated by religious authorities for dressing up as a woman, speaking in a squeaky voice and daring to mock the very image of the Messiah. According to his distraught mother, Mandy, "He really has gone too far this time....
Irish Government Employs 2,000 ‘Pleasure Detectors’ To Enforce Dogging Tax
Outcry as 'Dogging tax' to enforce new government guidelines about illegal 'pleasure' in back of Irish vehicles is announced. OUTRAGE ETC. In the wake of the today's controversial announcement by Environment Minister John Gormley that 'all drivers of commercial 4X4s and small vans must legally declare that they will not use them for any social, domestic or pleasure purposes', there now comes a welcome good news story for the embattled government. The Minister also announced the creation of a new government agency, made up of 2,000 staff whose remit is to detect any illegal instances of 'pleasure' taking place in the back of Irish road vehicles. Quickly nick-named 'dogging tax' by would-be interweb funny men, the new agency's name is as yet undisclosed, but rumours suggest that it may be called G.R.O.P.E. A government lackey, speaking on strict terms of anonymity said 'this class of thing has been going on...
1 in 5 Muslims Believe Osama is a Christian
'I'm telling ye - just look at the beard. Thinks he's Jesus he does' The number of Muslims who believe -- wrongly -- that Osama Bin Laden is a Christian has increased significantly since his last video release and now account for nearly 20 percent of the world's Islamic population. 'Distinct look of the Jesus about him' says random, passing Muslim who we punched until he gave us a quote. Those results, from a new Raving Bigot Research Center survey, were drawn from interviews done before the Al Qaeda leader's alleged comments about the construction of a Christian cultural center near Cave Zero, and they suggest that there could be serious political danger for the AQ leaders as the debate continues. The AQ leader's religion, like his place of birth, has been the subject of Internet-spread rumors and falsehoods since before he began his campaign to rain death down upon...
You’re Knock Getting In Dressed Like That, Young Lady!
Dress code inspection at the new changing facilities, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland. In an attempt to crack down on rising numbers of wanton hussies, tramps and harlots attending the world famous Marian Shrine at Knock (Saudi Irelandistan), the Irish Catholic Church has instigated a new dress code for female pilgrims. The personal attire of all women and girls over the age of ten will now be assessed at each entry point by male security guards and/or priests. Slatterns and wenches showing too much skin will be given a few harmless slaps and a firm talking to, before being forced to don a habit or a burka for the duration of their visit. According to Fr. Phelim McCrotch, official Parish spokesman on women's issues, the new 'dress code guidelines' which came into force in recent days have already netted results. "Only yesterday, we cornered a dirty little trollope who was showing...
The Blather Society for the Appreciation of Sinead O’Connor’s Arse
Oh most magnificent derriere. Thou sainted tush. Thy heavenly glutes wobble in a mystical dance of heaving womanhood. Nothing compares 2 Uranus. We love a good rant here at Blather. Love it we do. A good rant and a fine pair of butt cheeks. And so, joy was unfettered today at the London Blather outpost when we read the following in the Indo: "It is despicable and horrifying that my marriage was used as a chance to stamp on me. There are reasons why this has happened. One: Those papers were angry they didn't know anything about the wedding. Two: They never will. Three: I am fantastically talented. Four: I have a fantastic arse. Which has been responsible for the conception of my four lovely children, by four lovely men. By the presence in my life of those beautiful children and their four beautiful fathers, I am honoured and proud."...
Bongs of the Angelus to be replaced with giant BWAHHHHH sounds from Inception
DUBLIN - In a bid to make daily television more relevant to a broader audience, RTE have announced that as of Monday 9th August, the bongs of the Angelus (a daily broadcast of a bell ringing for the duration of one minute, accompanied by images of people pausing in contemplation) will be replaced with great, roaring blasts of noise, recently heard in Christopher Nolan's box-office smash, Inception. Images of local Irish people enjoying quiet moments of contemplation will be replaced by scenes of Irish people having earth-shattering, life-altering, brain-fucking, nervous system-shredding revelations about the sheer futility of their lives, their insignificant place in the greater scheme of the universe and a general feeling of being about as important as a smudge on a discarded laboratory slide. Inspired by Hans Zimmer's score for the hit movie, the new Angelus will (according to sources at the national broadcaster) provide a 'crucial counterpoint...