Month: March 2011

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Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis. Incoming Minister of Manipulation & Keeping Up Appearances, Fergus O'Flatulence, speaking to reporters early this morning, confirmed the shock move and sought to clarify the governments motivation. "Listen here to me now, lads, its a decision we didn't take lightly, but in the current economic climate, its one that had to be made. We can't be seen to be frivolously wasting taxpayers money, you know. Policing, traffic diversions,...

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Following their historic victory over England in the Cricket World Cup, the entire Irish nation is this afternoon finally waking up to scenes of wanton carnage and drunken devastation following forty eight hours of unprecedented national celebrations. In what is being hailed as 'The Final Victory Against the Sassanach' (from Old Irish: meaning 'West Kraut'), many citizens are calling on the authorities to declare a national holiday in honour of 'Our Brave Fenian Boys' who snapped victory from the jaws of defeat whilst simultaneously ending 800 Years of English Obsession (TM). Within minutes of the win, in scenes reminiscent of Italia 90, there were numerous reports of children brandishing cricket bats and gathering in droves on GAA pitches the length and breadth of the country. Parents were observed enjoying tea and crumpets whilst looking on in pride. Many shopkeepers in Cork reported a run on supplies of 'Cricket for Dummies',...

Blather
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Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year. County Louth (an insignificant backwater and radioactive wasteland populated with feral tribes and smelling overwhelmingly of laundered diesel fuel and contraband cigarettes) has long been considered an international embarrassment and an unnecessary drain on the States finances. There is also little doubt that the move is directly related to the recent election by the county of Baron Von Gerry Adams, (Former Columbian Travel Agent, Ex Northern Bank security analyst and current Crown Steward and Bailiff...

Blather
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Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting. Speaking on terms of strict anonymity, several newly-elected Sinn Fein TDs have told blather.net of their amazement at discovering that the state of the Republic of Ireland is 'mostly alright' and is not, as many had seemed to believe, 'a quagmire of unrealised nationalist aspirations governed by an elite of fat, Protestant farmers who rule over the Catholic masses like medieval barons' as they had been told during their childhood in the north. Some Shinners were surprised to find that the state has a functioning police service, nurses and doctors who work in hospitals, bus drivers who drive working buses and a fully-functional electricity and water service. 'This is incredible, so this is' said...