Enda Kenny, Ireland’s next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as ‘a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty’, Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year.
County Louth (an insignificant backwater and radioactive wasteland populated with feral tribes and smelling overwhelmingly of laundered diesel fuel and contraband cigarettes) has long been considered an international embarrassment and an unnecessary drain on the States finances. There is also little doubt that the move is directly related to the recent election by the county of Baron Von Gerry Adams, (Former Columbian Travel Agent, Ex Northern Bank security analyst and current Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Manor of Northstead) to the Irish Parliament.
Speaking on absolute condition of anonymity, our internal source [codenamed ‘Deep Scrote’] spoke of the incoming governments annoyance at his election. “He’s not even a proper Irish national, is he. Coming down here, with his awards and his titles, taking our jobs. Sure he’s only a wet week out of the House of Commons. Can you imagine his face when he finds out we’ve repatriated him back home, without him even moving? And that rather then being a T.D. he’s now the Honourable Member of Parliament for West Louthian? Priceless.”
The county of Louth (from Old Irish: LÃº La; meaning “mentalist“) has traditionally been seen by Dublin as a heartland of ‘mainland sympathisers’ and has long historical links with the English Crown. Settled by Anglo Normans in the 12th century and originally called ‘Bretain Occidentale‘ (West Britannia) in French; its main towns were integral to the maintenance and defence of the English Pale (incidentally, the worlds first ‘Green Zone’) in Ireland. Indeed, royal support, loyalty and infatuation amongst the inhabitants of the county were at one stage so extreme, that during the last visit of an English Head of State to the county in 1649; many hundreds of citizens were trampled to death, or fell from the ramparts of Drogheda amid a frenzy of excitement and mania in the rush to view the ceremonial entry.
When asked whether the state was perhaps being a trifle extravagant with such a ‘gift’ and was inadvertently giving away too much freedom and territory in this matter; ‘Deep Scrote’ was unrepentant. “No no, not at all. Co. Louth is a shadow of its former self. Her Royal Highness and her subject, Baron Von Adams, are welcome to it. Really. Think about it; since independence, has Louth ever contributed anything financially or culturally important to the Irish state? I’ll answer that one for you. Not on your nellie. The best things to have come out of Louth in the last 100 years have been: Pierce Brosnan, Steve Staunton and Jim Corr”.
“I rest my case”.
More as we get it.
(Hat tip to iPaddy)
Image from flickr commons, used under a CC licence