Irish Round Towers Go Radio Gah Gah

Every now and then, the Internet brings forth startling discoveries and staggering examples of original research bordering on such genius that they leave one completely gob-smacked, boggle-eyed, in need of a lie-down and perhaps even, a tiny little yellow stained leakage in one's summery cotton y-fronts, as one grapples with the ramifications of what has just been 'revealed'.

The following is not one of those times. Though it may leave you with a profound appreciation of Darwinian evolution, chimpanzee typists, and/or the long term effects of hallucinogenic substances on the human mind.

"For more than forty years a top US scientist, Professor Philip Callahan has turned his mind to the enigma of the distinctive round towers of Ireland. His discovery, one of the most important this century, has huge implications for modern man. For these towers, built by monks in the 6th and 7th Centuries are no less than radio antennae".

According to the Head of the International Institute for Biophysics, Professor Fritz-Albert Popp, "Professor Callahan's discovery concerning the Irish round towers is one of the most important discoveries of the century. The low-energy implications for our health, well-being and nutrition are far reaching."

Yes, indeed. Apparently, all those Round Towers dotted around the Irish landscape are the early medieval equivalent of Denis O'Brien's furtively phallic Erect Schlongs early mobile phone masts, no doubt thrown up without planning permission and with a liberal spread of brown leather pouches of silver into the hands of the local political leaders of the time.

What a low-ery way to go about things.

While stationed in Northern Ireland, during WW2, Callahan apparently had a mystically 'drunk moment', whilst climbing a radio mast to clear it of ice. Thankfully, he was not harmed too much. Indeed it enabled him to start developing his theories of magnetic radio wave susceptibility and round towers.

'Callahan found that all the round towers were made of paramagnetic stone, that is stone that resonates positively in a magnetic field. He also noticed that all these towers were to be found in diamagnetic areas - areas of much weaker and opposite, negative susceptibility'.

Not only that, but the very distribution of surviving round towers actually matches, almost exactly, a star map of the northern night sky. Of course it does. The author has even gone to the trouble of including a highly detailed and accurate map to point it all out to us. Luckily for us, the many other round towers that would have dotted the early medieval landscape, but which did not survive, must have been just been, you know, extra ones, and therefore extraneous to the big picture, like.

'What Callahan had drawn was an almost perfect sky for the December solstice. The imperfections in the round tower star plot lie mainly in the fact that the monks had to fix their towers to the lay of the land.'

Right.

This is despite the fact that although 'the Celtic monks of Ireland knew not only that the Earth was round, but also about precession - the slow wobble of the Earth around a theoretical or ecliptic centre of the sky, a circular movement which takes 25,800 years to complete', they still couldn't be arsed fixing the round tower points 'too correctly'.

Lazy bastards. Tut.

'The technocrat, who is high-energy, inorganic-slanted, will of course scoff at my star map of round towers and say that the correlation is coincidental," Callahan shrugs. "For the high-energy technocrat every phenomenon that does not hit one on the head with an inorganic hammer is a coincidence. Coincidence is the cop-out word of the century used to put low-energy organic researchers in their place.'

Well. That's put the likes of me in my place. Damn me and my inorganic slant, preventing me from being able to truely see that the truth is out there!

Indeed it might be. One wonders has Callahan been influenced by early medieval UFO reports, as mentioned previously in 'The Annals of Blather-nach' The exact phrasing of the original 'UFO' entry in the Annals of Ulster is 'Ships with their crews were seen in the air above Cluain Moccu Nóis', UA 748 AD (=749).

Now, go with me here: Clonmacnoise, big round tower, UFOs, radio antennae. I mean, come on, it's obvious people!

Nevermind the fact that round towers were built CENTURIES later then Callahan thinks, and CENTURIES after the annal entries such as above were written. I think its perfectly clear that Irish monks were OBVIOUSLY calling ET's to complain about not getting good reception for the football, and that alien maintenance crews WERE dispatched from time to time, though. And just like modern day NTL/Chorus, they still seemingly wouldn't commit themselves to a exact time of arrival. "Ah yeah, we shud be wit yews anytime between de sixth and tenth centuries dere, can't be any more accurate dan dat, luv."

Buried within this genius treatise is however, something so staggeringly important that Callahan himself, may not even realise it.

'You can even detect differences in behaviour in various populations, dependent on the paramagnetic nature of the sub-rock. Take Belfast for instance. The sub-rock under that city is basalt which is highly paramagnetic and the sub-rock under Dublin is diamagnetic limestone. We know that Dubliners are more laid-back. It's the same difference with the population of North and South Vietnam and say between New York and Florida.

There you have it. Finally, a 'scientific' explanation for why 'nordies' are a contrary miserable shower of moanin' whinge-bags.

Now, altogether...'All we hear is Radio GA GA...Radio Blah Bla...'

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lol oh lol, very funny

Really it's a good idea for the radio tower.