Chavez Blames U.S. Gov’t for Absolutely Everything That’s Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet

(image by Que Comuniso!, used under a Creative Commons license)
[CARACAS] Presidents Chavez and Ahmadinejad blame Obama administration for the Haiti earthquake, conflict in Israel, 13th century plague, the Crusades, the sinking of the Titanic and the clogging of Kim Jong Il’s toilet.

A special conference, convened by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has met in Caracas Venezuela to explore ways in which alternative historians can justifiably blame the United States of America for any natural, political or military disaster since the dawn of time. Historians, anthropologists, economists and randomly selected performance artists gathered together for a lavish five-day event at the Universidad de Pandejos, Caracas at the invitation of the Venezuelan and Iranian presidents.

Radical
‘We need a radical re-contextualisation of modern and near-modern history’ President Chavez said during his opening key-note address, going on to call for a ‘wholesale blaming of the Americans for just about anything bad that has ever happened anywhere’. His remarks were met with Fox News-like whooping and hollering from the 2,000 strong delegation.
Speaking later, President Ahmadinejad presented a special paper on US-Middle East relations wherein he made the case for the United States’ complicity in the siege of Jerusalem in A.D. 70, the death of legendary medieval warrior-king Saladin from fever on March 4, A.D.1193 and the light singeing of the biblical Abraham’s beard during an ill-tempered game of Twister on the slopes of Mt. Sinai.
Rape
Further papers given during the mid-morning sessions by Asian delegates uncovered the previously unknown U.S. involvement in the fall of the Shang dynasty in 1046 B.C., the Rape of Nanjing in 1937 and the appropriation, exploitation and intellectual theft of the game ‘Yahtzee’ upon which the American domination of the global economy has rested this last sixty years.
The conference continues throughout the week and we’ll be bringing you daily updates.

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Damien DeBarra was born in the late 20th century and grew up in Dublin, Ireland. He now lives in London, England where he shares a house with four laptops, three bikes and a large collection of chairs.