The Irish government today announced that it would immediately align itself with Venezuelan president Victor Chavez in blaming the United States for Everything That’s Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet, in particular the recent ‘cold’ weather in Ireland
In a surprise briefing to reporters on the steps of Leinster House, Taoiseach Brian Cowen grimaced into the cold February wind, before launching into a tirade against the current US administration.
“Now in fairness, I think it’s a bit of coincidence how the winters have suddenly gotten colder since Mr Osama took over in the White House”, said Mr Cowen. “It was bad enough that we had all those desperate wet summers that Bush man was in charge, but this, quite frankly, is taking the mickey”.
“Anyone”, he added, “only needs to take a read of what they’re saying over on blather.net to understand the long and the short of the situation. Isn’t it a bit mad that the end of the main bout of cold weather more or less coincided with that earthquake over beyond in Haiti? Think about that, hah?”
It’s expected that the Taoiseach will summon the US Ambassador, Daniel M. Rooney in the coming days. A senior government official, close to the Taoiseach, has hinted that Mr Cowen is expecting the US government to apologise for the Recession, the Famine, the Viking Invasions, the Norman Invasion, the Catholic Church Scandals, the 1916 rising, Thierry Henry’s world cup qualifier goal for France against Ireland and how watching American TV is to blame for the Irish people blowing all their cash during the Celtic Tiger Years. He’s also expected to ask Mr Rooney if he’s enjoying himself in Ireland and if he has any advice about getting Ireland out of the hole.
Professor CoinÃn O’Gluastain, of the Dublin Academy of Meteorological Physics (DAMP), was unreserved in his condemnation of the US military HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program) system, and its effects on Irish weather and the ionosphere generally.
“I can tell you, I’ve never seen the likes of this kind of carry on with the weather. I don’t know what them lads are at all over beyond in Alaska, but they’d do well to flip a couple of old switches and give us a bit of proper spring weather. Am I right? I’ve been working here at DAMP since 1921, and I’ll tell you straight, no word of a lie, that I’ve never seen the weather this cold, this wet, this dry, or this hot. But then I don’t get out much.”
A new conspiracy theory is now doing the rounds – that the Guinness brewery, which uses a harp as its symbol, is actually a front for the HAARP project; proponents of this view say that the the HAARP project actually dates back to 1759, before the American War of Independence, and involved great multiudes of Irish CailÃnÃ deas playing harps under the guidance of Arthur Guinness, who wanted to improve the Irish weather.
Critics of this view say that this is all subterfuge, and that Cowen’s remarks today are actually part of a total Irish government cover up of its own ionospheric manipulation. One pundit, who asked not to be named in case the Social Welfare read this, said that “sure doesn’t the Irish government have a harp as it crest? The Guinness thing is just a blind to keep the tourists happy. The real ionospheric manipulation is being done through the windfarms. Used to generate electricity? Are you joking or what, get away from me now, you didn’t believe that one did you? You poor lamb.”
Mr Cowen is expected to fly to Venezuela next week to join Mr Chavez in a weekend workshop of crystal massage and tofu knitting.