Out with the old, in with the new. Dangerous magazines for sale!
As the annual arbitrary feast of New Years approaches, I have decided to unearth my secret cache of 223 pristine copies of the 1981 Old Moore’s Alamanac, a splendid aid to many an inquisitive farmer. They are currently buried 15 hands below the surface of my neighbours sheep nursery, beside an old racehorse I once borrowed, and the mortal remains of a gentleman by the name of Lucan.
During the Cold War, I kept the magazines safe in a lead casket, burying them in case of a nuclear summer. One never knows when the invasion may start, or when the call may come.
But in these times of hysteria and uncertainty, I feel it’s time to dig them up and sell them to the highest bidder. They’re fully greased and operational, and the sale of them will help us purchase copies of the 2003 edition. We’re not mad about the idea of any terrorists getting their greasy fingers on 23-year-old almanacs, so caution must be exercised.
Buyers residing in the world’s freest country should be most careful – the FBI have issued warnings about the dreaded alamanacs. According to AP:
‘[The FBI has] urged officers to watch during searches, traffic stops and other investigations for anyone carrying almanacs, especially if the books are annotated in suspicious ways.’
If any members of the U.S. Joint Terrorism Task Force are reading this article, I wish you a very good day…
Potential buyers should contact the Blather.net sales team. Our executive are standing by, waiting for your email.
Inspiration:
FBI Issues Alert Against Almanac Carriers »
Guns ‘were to repel Russians’ »
Old Moore’s Alamanck »
The World Alamanc »
