Small men. Green pants. Handycams and a pot of 2000 euro. You just can’t make this stuff up…
So there I am, sitting staring at an e-mail in my inbox. It would seem that I’m being offered a part in a porn movie, which will pay 2000 euro, for one and a half hour’s ‘work’. Looking closer at the email, I see the company is called ‘Lepreporn’.
How did this all come about?
Some weeks back I received a call from my agent, telling me I’ve been successful in an audition for a part in a TV film. This was on one condition, that I have a full driving license. The part was too good to pass, so I told them I would have it on time for filming. I haven’t been driving for years, and as I originally learnt in a rusty 25 year old truck, this was going to take some work.
I only have two months to undertake this challenge. I realise that this is going to be a costly exercise as lessons will be expensive. I need some money, and I need it fast. I start looking for extra work, but don’t have much luck.
Wondering what to do next, it occurs to me to try a money drawing spell. I haven’t been doing any magick for a long time, so I knock out a simple spell, almost carelessly. I ask for a specific amount, thinking I could sort out another few things I need at the same time.
On a visit to Dublin two days later, I call around to see a friend. While checking my emails on my computer, I see I’ve an email from net-model.com. This is website for models/actresses where you can display some photos and information, and then be contacted by interested photographers. The site seems reputable, but I’m not sure that everyone who uses it is.
The email was from a company called ‘Lepreporn’ offering me the exact amount I had asked for in my spell… They were offering me 2000 euros for a three day shoot, ‘working’ for a half an hour a day. I looked at their profile on the model site, and their blurb said:
‘We are the only Irish adult film company which film R18 movies, we only employ Irish actors. We have been making movies for about 2 years now and are becoming major players in the adult industry so if you want to make good money and have lots of fun, email us your details.’
‘We only use Irish actors’. Is that supposed to be encouraging? The last thing you would want, when making a porn movie, is to ‘bump’ into someone you know. “Oh, how yea Pat, are you working on this thing too? Oh great, great, it’s nice to know someone else. I’ll see you during the shoot then. ”
Not to mention the chances of good old Irish porn being watched by someone who knows you. Unless they are stating the fact that they are supporting only Irish workers, with no emigrants taking Irish jobs here.
When I did a search on Google for them, I came up with nothing. All I found was a page on windycitymedia.com which has David J. Madziarz pondering on the lack of leprechaun porn on the web. He says:
‘The wee little ones must have given up sex for Lent because in spite of numerous Google searches, I couldn’t find any leprechaun porn sites on the Internet. If it did exist, would it be called “lepreporn?”
Mr. Madziarz is quite right to feel disappointed at the lack of leprechaun porn, but I doubt Lepreporn are going to fill the gap in the market. Unless of course this is Mr. Madziarz’s company… in which case there will be some interesting costumes for the ‘actors’ to wear in the films.
I am afraid I will have to disappoint (or not) a few readers by saying I declined the offer, if I ever feel the urge to make a porn film it will be as far away as possible, ( Mars perhaps). I felt the Universe/whatever was having a right old laugh at my spell messing. Next time I’m getting it right. No half measures.
Oh and I did get my money in the end. Just not that way…
Lepreporn – the Globaleyes review
Lepreporn – the adventure continues on the Snackbox diaries