No doubt you remember where you were when you heard about the shocking and horrible events of February 28. Feared academic, writer, rambler and digressionator, Noam Chomsky, was killed by a lone flying saucer in Antarctica, alongside his many lawyers.
As is well known, Chomsky, the alleged author of The Art of Discreet Farting in Company, has powers of levitation, and he was hovering through Antarctica, along with his levitating conference table, around which were seated on levitating chairs his eleven lawyers, including Patricia “Libel Eyes” McInearnest and Diego “El Slandero” Jocacola. Chomsky was holding court, reminiscing fondly about his life’s work, and was quoting from a piece he wrote in 1980 about the genocidal Cambodian Khmer Rouge regime: “The positive side of the picture has been virtually edited out.” But Chomsky’s ever-sunny outlook was soon to change. A flying saucer came in over the horizon, firing deadly laser beams, instantly vapourizing the academic and his legal team, whose charred bodies fell to the Wilkins ice shelf below, collapsing it.
The only known witness, Mr Ronan Fretting, a penguin-spotter from Sligo, County Roscommon, said the flying saucer came from the direction of Arcturus, or, to quote him exactly, “It came from the direction of Arcturus.” He went on to say that the pilot was broadcasting on the saucer’s intercom at the time of the murders, issuing this stark warning to all levitating tourists: “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” With this evidence, it is beyond reasonable doubt that the assassin aboard the flying object was none other than the notorious Bigfoot!
However, a conspiracy theory has emerged in recent days. Sources deep within the penguin community say Mr Fretting was not in Antarctica at the time. They claim that he made up the story about Bigfoot “for the selfish reason of wanting to see his words in publication”. These sources say that the flying object came from a constellation known as “grassyknoll dot com” and that its intercom was actually broadcasting the sinister phrase “Rock rock a-hula, rock rock a-hula rock!” and that the saucer was made of a kind of gold lamé material. They even put a name to the murderous saucerman: “Elvis”.
Rest in peace, Chomskinator!
(Afterthought: how can “charred bodies” result from vapourization?)