(image by Leo Reynolds, used under a Creative Commons license)
In light of the latest report into the cover-up of child-abuse by the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the inevitable national bout of impotent shaking rage, ringing Joe Duffy’s phone off the hook and screaming until your face explodes) Blather.net found itself fascinated by the notion which the clergy have been throwing around as an excuse for buggering kids – the idea of ‘mental reservation’ and how this facilitates a condition of ‘lying without lying’. Yes, you read that right. Determined to get to the bottom of this latest linguistic curveball, we’d like to suggest a short list of the likely forthcoming exercises in sprain-inducing mental gymnastics which the men of the cloth will be engaging in for 2010.
1. ‘Raping Kids without raping them’
Had the nagging suspicion that a Catholic priest had his bell-end shoved up yer hole? Fret thee not child, ’twasn’t his cock at all. Oh no. It was merely the ‘mental reservation’ of his cock. And that blood that squirting out yer rear end? Nah. Wasn’t blood at all. Twas mere transubstantiated lube!
2. ‘Hiding criminals without hiding criminals’
Worried that that weird, mono-browed mouth-breather who’s been seen staring out the window of the Parish safe-house at passing 6th classers might be a four-star paedo? Rest your mind faithful parishoner. He’s nothing of the sort. Tis a mere example of the Catholic church’s extraordinary capacity for forgiveness and rehabilitation of violent sexual offenders in the community. No need to bother those nice lads in the Gardai with that.
3. ‘Spreading ignorance about AIDS without spreading ignorance about AIDS’.
Bringing the word of the Lord to them ignorant heathens over in Africa? Worried that your insistence on ‘abstinence first’ might lead to an increase in the rise of sexually-transmitted diseases, infant mortality, devasated communities, witch-burnings, domestic violence and the exploitation of children in human trafficking? Not a bother! Sure aren’t you only doing the good work of the Church?
4. ‘Dodging taxes without dodging taxes’
Have a conspicuously enormous property portfolio that you can’t monetise? Need to pay off some irritating whelps that claim they were violently sodomised by the Christian brothers? Worried that the financial crisis might see the Government come after your bank accounts? Not to worry! Sure you can just ask the lads in the Vatican to flog off some of the mind-bendingly large art collection which has been collected to reflect ‘the poverty of Christ’. Remember: that stuff hasn’t been gathered together on the back of centuries of misery and theft – tis a mere misunderstanding of history!
5. ‘Mentally scarring people without mentally scarring them’
Concerned that asking a six-year old child to sit in a darkened, velvet box and ‘fess up to having ‘impure thoughts’ might leave a lasting psychological scar on the wee mite? Ain’t no thang homes. Sure Jehova’s Jap’s Eye, would ye only look at him? Needs sorting out he does. Wee shite with his holier-than-thou ‘I don’t know what you mean by “impure thoughts”‘ impertinence. The little fuck. Bully the wee bastard into submission we say – break him good. Make sure he’s entirely disabused of the notion that there’s nothing wrong with him and ensure that he’s primed for a life of blind, automaton-like repetition of medieval texts interspersed with outbursts of self-hatred and handing over cash to the Church.