Month: December 2009

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'Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.' In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty's recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn't 'parliamentary', we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour. 1. As and of January 6th 2010, all TDs will hereby be addressed as 'my nigga'. In the interest of fostering diversity and tolerance, 'my wigga' is also acceptable. 'Homes' is not. 2. Disputes (within the same gender) arising from any chamber debates will be resolved in the Dail carpark with a set of 18th century duelling pistols borrowed from the National Museum; wherein disputees will engage in a duel to the death, cheered by bikini-clad National Gallery tour-guides who will shout selected slogans of encouragement in medieval Irish verse to the strains of 'Mise Eire' performed by a coked-up Nine Inch Nails tribute band....

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Horror and outrage at Blather HQ, as list of 'revealed' Mi5 spooks fails to include a single member of the Blather High Command. Scum Second last to get picked for football. That's what we were as young childer. Second last to get picked. Not last to get picked you understand, oh no, but second last. I can't remember what happened to the guy who was always picked last (I think he may be a hedge fund manager now) but I do recall the lasting psychological damage that it inflicted on the poor lad. Bed-wetting. Tantrum-throwing. Public masturbation. An audition on the X Factor. Spells 'helping the Gardai with their inquiries'. That class of thing. It's a terrible low, gut-wrenching feeling to be unloved and unwanted. Lord knows most especially at this time of year. And well, readers dear, we hate to spoil the festive holiday mood, but today, yes today,...