Year: 2009

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'Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.' In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty's recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn't 'parliamentary', we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour. 1. As and of January 6th 2010, all TDs will hereby be addressed as 'my nigga'. In the interest of fostering diversity and tolerance, 'my wigga' is also acceptable. 'Homes' is not. 2. Disputes (within the same gender) arising from any chamber debates will be resolved in the Dail carpark with a set of 18th century duelling pistols borrowed from the National Museum; wherein disputees will engage in a duel to the death, cheered by bikini-clad National Gallery tour-guides who will shout selected slogans of encouragement in medieval Irish verse to the strains of 'Mise Eire' performed by a coked-up Nine Inch Nails tribute band....

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Horror and outrage at Blather HQ, as list of 'revealed' Mi5 spooks fails to include a single member of the Blather High Command. Scum Second last to get picked for football. That's what we were as young childer. Second last to get picked. Not last to get picked you understand, oh no, but second last. I can't remember what happened to the guy who was always picked last (I think he may be a hedge fund manager now) but I do recall the lasting psychological damage that it inflicted on the poor lad. Bed-wetting. Tantrum-throwing. Public masturbation. An audition on the X Factor. Spells 'helping the Gardai with their inquiries'. That class of thing. It's a terrible low, gut-wrenching feeling to be unloved and unwanted. Lord knows most especially at this time of year. And well, readers dear, we hate to spoil the festive holiday mood, but today, yes today,...

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(image by Leo Reynolds, used under a Creative Commons license) In light of the latest report into the cover-up of child-abuse by the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the inevitable national bout of impotent shaking rage, ringing Joe Duffy's phone off the hook and screaming until your face explodes) Blather.net found itself fascinated by the notion which the clergy have been throwing around as an excuse for buggering kids - the idea of 'mental reservation' and how this facilitates a condition of 'lying without lying'. Yes, you read that right. Determined to get to the bottom of this latest linguistic curveball, we'd like to suggest a short list of the likely forthcoming exercises in sprain-inducing mental gymnastics which the men of the cloth will be engaging in for 2010. 1. 'Raping Kids without raping them' Had the nagging suspicion that a Catholic priest had his bell-end shoved up yer hole?...

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(click image to see full size) Zombies. Tits. Dildos. Nuns. Guns. Nuns with Guns. More Tits. Coming October 2009, Blather.net is proud to present the most shocking horror movie ever made, 'Let The Right Nun In'. In this world exclusive, Blather.net catches up with writer and director Conor-Clubfoot O'Flap who is now busy putting the final touches on the film which has taken him six years to bring to the silver screen. Filmed on location in Co. Louth, Ireland, Let The Right Nun In is the harrowing tale of a zombie-nun outbreak in the town of Drogheda during a violent electrical storm on Halloween night. The plot revolves around Margie, a young impressionable American woman visting Ireland in an attempt to find her Irish roots. However, Margie's plans are scuppered when, as a result of an illegal dumping of some toxic muck from Sellafield and an unusual alignment of Uranus...

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(image by Dave Walsh) Hot on the heels of his controversial decision to overhaul antiquated 'Blasphemy laws', Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has declared himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' with unlimited powers to search, seize, beat, rape, defame, libel, spitroast, roger, savage and claim legal ownership over whatever 'godless infidels' are within his and any government official's eyesight. Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern Appoints Himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' Having set the country straight on the contentious matter of the constitution's perilous and fraught relationship with the notion of 'blasphemy', Minister for Justice Dermot 'Innocent XI' Ahern has once again set Eurpoean legislative jaws a-wagging by inserting an article into the constitution which grants him and all government ministers the right to do, well, whatever the hell they want, to whoever they want, with whatever they want, whenever they want. In an attempt to make sense of this bewildering new political landscape...

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Serial womb-raiders Madonna and Angelina Jolie are set to do battle over who gets final adoption rites on a brace of unwanted, ginger-haired Irish babies. The ruling will come after what promises to be a landmark Supreme Court ruling which, if the predictions of an army of twittering, micro-blogging failed actors, and talentless, unfunny comedians are to be believed, could see the floodgates thrown open to visiting celebrities who would then be free to adopt multiple ginger infants as they saw fit. Following on from high-profile adoptions of Cambodian and Malawian babies, the latest ethnic minority to benefit from the unthinking largesse of wealthy, millionaire movie stars and ageing concrete-biceped rock queens is the 'ginger Irish baby', an estimated 10,000 of which have been abandoned in the streets of Ireland this year alone, a 4000% increase on previous years, according to figures worked out on the back of a beer...

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In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own shite. "The tinshun is pulpable," said Depity Kinny this mirning. "Thirs fir too much of this cliss of ting gowing on in the Dill dese diys". Green Party members welcome the move as a timely reminder about the benefits of recycling in a volatile economy, whilst Labour leader Eamon Gilmore...

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The scene on the steps of the Count O'Blather's house, this morning (Reuters) It has reached the point (where else does it reach?) here at Blather High Command that the faintest mention of the word 'Ree-Session' has me dusting off my late grandfather's dueling irons. I have taken to pot-shooting the television every time some smirking BBC, RTE or Sky News doomsayer slides the dirty word into some appallingly unrelated news story - like the plight of polar bears in the Arctic or the nocturnal antics of soccer players in one of Ireland's dependencies (e.g. 'England'). My valet has insisted on having the old gogglebox fitted with bulletproof glass to cut down on the expenditure, but my god, the ricochets are now something fierce - I've taken to crouching behind the bathchair in order to avoid the "friendly fire" and sporadic gun-play emanating from the Six-One news. The drawing room...