In May of 2010, Blather.net will be thirteen years old. That’s thirteen. Puberty, ladies and spambots, is imminent and the wearing of short trousers will no longer be tolerated. In light of this disturbing turn of events (and the increasingly litigious, cut-throat monitoring of general web-activities by THEM), we have felt it necessary to update our Terms and Conditions to reflect this momentous period of change.
Putting the shit back in the cow
1. Blogs: Blather.net is not ‘a blog’. Anyone referring to us as a ‘a blog’ will find themselves on the business end of a law-suit that will make them wish they had never been born. We’re serious. Don’t even try it. Ipso facto – we are not bloggers. We are learned scholars, hewn from the literary granite of the green island of Ireland. Blather.net was publishing extensive treatises on all manner of carry on (first on vellum, later on a Gutenberg press) long before the word ‘blog’ was spat from the gob of some hoor over beyond in America. We were writing about UFOs when they were still reported as ‘sailing ships’ in the skies for God’s sakes. ‘Blog’, is it? Away and ride yer hand.
2. Linking: any and all employees, subsidiaries, outlets, franchises and fiefdoms of News Corp. Inc. who have the temerity to link to anything on Blather.net (or its employees, subsidiaries, outlets, franchises and fiefdoms) will be charged â‚¬1000 per link, per day.
3. Comments: comments are posted at the site owners’ say-so and do not reflect the opinions, views, sexual preferences or dress-styles of any member of Blather.net. Comments posted from an iPad will be struck off the database immediately and the offending commenter will be sent a daily e-mail with a picture of a USB port with the words ‘you gobshite’ emblazoned across the image in giant red letters. Comments submitted without a valid e-mail address will not be posted.
4. Embedding of videos and music: Blather.net frequently posts videos and music players from third-party sites (such as Youtube and Grooveshark). Blather.net is not responsible for the hosting of content on other people’s sites. We just embed it. That means sending us threatening e-mails about illegal file-sharing will be met with derisive laughter and a reminder that the content is hosted on someone else’s website and NOT OURS YOU MORONS. Solicitors, lawyers and other ambulance-chasers who mail us with such gormless trivialities will be billed at the standard Blather.net web-consultancy rate of â‚¬300 per e-mail.
5. Sex: despite constant e-mails and comments asking us, Blather.net is not a vendor, creator or seller of pornography nor is it a halfway-house where you can get yourself a gig in a Mullingar skin-flick. Stop mailing us you degenerate low-lifes.
6. Satire: some of what we publish is satire. We know we’re expecting a bit much, but do try and figure out which bits are satirical all by yourself. You’ll feel all the better for it, and will be able to boast to your fellow inmates about it.
7. No. No. No. We don’t have Alan Moore‘s contact details. Or if we did have them, we damn well wouldn’t be giving them to you.
8. Passports: For the last bloody time people, blather.net is not a purveyor of Irish passports, or NSK passports. Are yez thick, or what?
9. Conspiracies: None of the blather.net high command editorial board are on the payroll of the CIA, FBI, Mossad, M15, M16 or another intelligence agency*. WE ARE NOT. Although we’re currently working hard to amend this terrible, terrible, situation.
*This may be disinformation**
** And so might this
10. Blather doesn’t care.