Month: April 2010

723 views

Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944 After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister. Long assumed to be of Anglo Saxon origin, the name Clegg actually comes from Ireland: O'Cleggín, from the ancient Irish sept, the Uí Clegganachta: traditionally liberal enemies of the Scottish Uí Bruin (Browns) and the Clan MacCameron. Legend has it that the Clegganachta used to wear nothing under their kilts heading into battle, a time honoured tradition of being eternally ready to lash one into any bit of skirt that happened to be passing. Their propensity for sudden annexation of ancient seats of power from out of left-field led to the nickname 'The Slibhín...

460 views

Protests outside Dail Eireann this morning over UK case against the Irish state The British Government's Business Secretary, Lord Voldemort, today announced that he had "no choice" other than to take the Irish government to court for their "blatant and shameless copyright violation" of the UK copyright bill, the Digital Economy Act. Voldemort also branded the Irish Justice Minister, Dermot Ahern, "a ridiculous leprechaun". In a move which shocked the technology industry and markets today, the UK government made good on its recent promise to aggressively pursue illegal file-sharers and copyright infringers, by slapping a £30 billion lawsuit on the Irish Government for what it called "the Irish Government's shameless copyright violation" of the UK's Digital Economy Act. "This has gone on long enough" fumed Lord Voldemort at a Whitehall press-conference this morning. 'These bastards have been violating our copyright since the early 1920s.' he raged at gathered journalists. "Every...

733 views

Catholic priests are not the 'sexual predators' that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the 'victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy' to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into 'a state of disrepute and disgrace', according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests. Allegations Speaking before a press conference in the Vatican this morning, Cardinal Von Graspenpantzen, Chief Spokesman of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said that he believed he knew exactly who was behind the recent allegations of mass child-rape levelled at the Catholic church. '"An extensive Vatican investigation of itself has finally brought to light who precisely is responsible for these scurrilous accusations", said Graspenpantzen. "As previously stated, the Vatican has already established that Satan, who is currently at work in the Vatican, has...

338 views

'Hello? Anyone there?' (image by Comrade S) Dave McScrote, a Dublin 'street comedian' spent several hours abusing passing randomers in Grafton St. yesterday in the hope that his cutting remarks would paper over the fact that he has no original material worth mentioning. 'Ah yeah' said Liam O'Slope, a homeless, toothless crack-addict who we found rummaging in a nearby skip, 'he was hurling abuse at anyone that passed. Standing there with his guitar and just insulting people for the hell of it. Funny? He was about as funny as the scabs on my hole'. Further reports from onlookers claim that McScrote called an elderly lady 'a right owl wagon', a drooling wheelchair-bound teenager 'a filthy spaz' and a recently-bereaved widower 'a miserable po-faced owl shite'. Several minutes later McScrote is alleged to have spent almost ten minutes pointing and laughing at homeless people, shortly before offering his tweed hat to...