Month: May 2010

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Bono in hospital yesterday Bono, the lead singer with Irish rock band U2, has been temporarily hospitalised whilst he has unpaid back-taxes surgically extracted from what has been described by medical experts as 'one seriously tight arse'. The singer is following medical advice to cancel forthcoming performances after undergoing emergency surgery for severe compression of an offshore bank account. The injury occurred during rehearsals for their world tour last Friday when five euro notes started firing out of the singer's arse like a malfunctioning cash-machine during a performance of 'Even Better Than The Real Thing'. The band then cancelled a series of live shows while the 50-year-old singer recovered on a giant bed of cash. Surgeons at the Sisters of Our Lady of Blessed Charity/Irish Department of Income Tax stated that following seven hours of exploratory procedures by a team of crack surgeons and income tax officials, that they 'still...

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A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House (image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License) TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians. The 27 TDs from across the political divide brought their proceedings against the Department of Orifices, Environment and the Bleeding Obvious, for an order forcing them to comply last year. They also argued that the dung catchers were in themselves dangerous and could result in politicians slipping on 'yellow scuttery balls of their own shite'. The departmental defence team denied all such claims. It also told the court there are some 15km (10 miles)...

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An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces. Members of the mob were visibly shocked to find their coup attempt thwarted by such ingenuity. "It's not a coincidence. We were set up. The cops were waiting for us", said a frustrated Mr. Pinko, a hastily appointed spokesperson for the so called New Coddle Army, the organisation claiming responsibility for holding the demonstration. " I mean I don't THINK we got set up, I KNOW we got set up! I mean,...

Blather
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The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled. The tests, which were shrouded in secrecy, have been described by a number of commentators as "total hypocrisy" and "a cynical act by Ireland to force itself onto the UN Security Council", following recent statements made by Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheal Martin, in which he said that "To insist on the urgency of non-proliferation while downplaying the importance of disarmament -- an a la...