Renewing Your Irish Passport? Here’s a Handy Checklist
As we recently went through the entertaining process of applying for a new passport while living outside the island of Ireland, we thought we would provide a handy checklist of everything you need to send to an Irish Embassy or Public House or Passport Office.
Spiderman found face down in Amsterdam canal, dead
Dead spiderman, facedown in a canal, Amsterdam By Pieter van de Park Amsterdam, June 22nd 2011 -- Authorities are investigating after well-known superhero Spiderman was found face down in an Amsterdam Canal this morning. A man, yet to be named, but said to be the proprietor of local 'coffee shop' The Green Goblin, is currently being questioned. Unconfirmed reports of an all-night skunk binge are thought to have led to the American superhero's demise. Amsterdam's mayor, Eberhard van der Laan, staunch defender of the low-lying city's cannabis-selling cafes, currently fighting a nationwide push to restrict tourist access to drugs said:...
First British Person In 100 Years Visits Dublin
On Tuesday, an elderly British woman became the first inhabitant of the British Isles to visit Ireland in nearly a century. Her expedition included an army of security guards, short, fat dogs and the British 'Prime Minister' (similar to our Taoiseach). The British Isles are a small archipelago that lie to the east of the Irish mainland. The woman, who appeared to have borrowed her outfit from Iris was said (via a translator) to have been amused by the 'very odd accent' of the inhabitants. Taoiseach Enda Kenny was asked to comment, but was stopped from doing so by several...
Irish Government Cancels St. Patrick’s Day
Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis. Incoming Minister of Manipulation & Keeping Up Appearances, Fergus O'Flatulence, speaking to reporters early this morning, confirmed the...
Elation Once Again: Irish Bowled Over With Historic Cricket Win
Following their historic victory over England in the Cricket World Cup, the entire Irish nation is this afternoon finally waking up to scenes of wanton carnage and drunken devastation following forty eight hours of unprecedented national celebrations. In what is being hailed as 'The Final Victory Against the Sassanach' (from Old Irish: meaning 'West Kraut'), many citizens are calling on the authorities to declare a national holiday in honour of 'Our Brave Fenian Boys' who snapped victory from the jaws of defeat whilst simultaneously ending 800 Years of English Obsession (TM). Within minutes of the win, in scenes reminiscent of...
Louther than bombs: Louth ceded to British Crown, along with Gerry Adams
Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year. County Louth (an insignificant backwater and radioactive wasteland populated with feral tribes and smelling overwhelmingly of laundered diesel fuel and contraband cigarettes) has long been...
Sinn Fein Stunned To Find Signs Of Civilisation South of Border
Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting. Speaking on terms of strict anonymity, several newly-elected Sinn Fein TDs have told blather.net of their amazement at discovering that the state of the Republic of Ireland is 'mostly alright' and is not, as many had seemed to believe, 'a quagmire of unrealised nationalist aspirations governed by an elite of fat, Protestant farmers who rule over the Catholic masses like medieval barons' as they...
Gerry Adams Under Attack After Not Mentioning Bobby Sands In Interview
Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics. "Mr Adams has clearly lost touch with the will of the people in record time," said a Sinn Fein member, speaking under terms of strict anonymity. "There's people saying that the power has gone to his head and as a result shock and dismay are are rife throughout...
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 7. Election Day
Dear Constituent, Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck. I...
Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 6
Dear Mr. O'Gill, Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'. Firstly, let me state quite clearly that I can...