Christmas with Blather: a cautionary tale
Okey doke. I decided I'd save this for a special occasion and seeing as it's christmas and the eve of the new year, well, here goes then? A couple of years ago, I badly hurt my back (displaced vertebrae) and after a couple of months on my arse and going in and out of chiropractors and shiatsu masseuses I decided it was time to get the finger out and do something. So, I resolved to join a gym and did so the first week of January. After my general fitness was tested (I turned out to be small number heartbeats...
Spanish Wanker (wank the first)
Seeing as google are trying to censor us, this is my contribution to turning Blather into a seeething cess-pit of filth and depravity... Hmmm. So, there I am watching TV. Shouting at Blair and the Shrub as they spew forth another pile of effluence about multilateralism in the New World Order and how Iraqi insurgents are shitting in their pants with fear, when my companion points out a rather strange sight. There's no polite way of saying this, so I'll just come right out with it. There was a man standing on a balcony directly opposite our building, bollock naked,...
Urge to kill flatmate RISING
As dedicated followers (all two of you) of my adventures in Las Espanas will know, I got myself a new flat almost two months ago... This is a spacious and altogether pleasant place. But of course, there's a hitch. This is me, after all. The hitch comes in the form of the two other people sharing the flat with me: the pair whom I affectionately refer to as 'the frogs'. I know it's rather cruel to be stereotyping nationalities in this day and age, but then again I'm a cruel heartless bastard. Things have been, for the most part, just...
Paw, I Got Me A GoogleWhack
Sick fish and a pasted-in blatherboy. Doncha love that Google, eh? A gentleman by the name of Andrew Lange emailed me earlier today, telling me that he'd found a Googlewhack on blather.net. He'd found 'superimposition blatherskite' in the Klaatu Barada Nikto article on Blather.net So I tried my hand at it. Found valetudinarian conger. Whoohoo! A Googlewhack, by way, is when you search for two words (without quotes) in Google, and come up just ONE result. Getting a fat zero doesn't count. It's not too difficult: Thought of an obscure word: valetudinarian. Then did composite searches valetudinarian banana (21) get...
Tractors of TERROR
The latest craze in Northern Ireland - crashing tractors! Here's Monday's surreal news of the day... Young farmers in a rural area outside the Co Antrim town have taken to using their tractors to perform an unusual rite of passage, in which they deliberately steer their vehicles at road signs and plough them over (Irish News) More from IC Northern Ireland >> More from irishnews.com (needs registration)>>
97% evil
It's offical, blather.net is 97% evil! Blather.net is proud to announce that we've been awarded a '97% evil' award from the Gematriculator, a bumper website indeed: Basically, Gematria is searching for different patterns through the text, such as the amount of words beginning with a vowel. If the amount of these matches is divisible by a certain number, such as 7 (which is said to be God's number), there is an incontestable argument that the Spirit of God is ever present in the text. Another important aspect in gematria are the numerical values of letters: A=1, B=2 ... I=9, J=10,...
Skeffington J. D’Arcy January 23rd 1901- November 4th 2003
Inventor of the steam-gramaphone, godfather of hippity-hoppity, and first man to conquer Howth Head and Bognor Regis in the same year. Born into a Longford family of wealthy Anglo-Norman traditional leech wranglers, D'Arcy was educated at Clongowes and both in and behind the Manzor's Inn in Clane. By the age of 14 he had mastered the arts of archery, arson and arachnaid gymnastics, and by 15, had received a caution for alleged acts of firemongering, using arrows tipped with spider-poison. An angry mob of Presentation nuns and Cistercian monks presented itself at the funerals of the deceased clergy. Then it...
Meanwhile, over at Sky News..
The scene: A TV news studio in south London. Token Asian Presenter and Francis Tusa have just been discussing the latest use of cluster bombs on a village of Iraqi goat-herders... <!-- --> Francis: "...and cooked their asses good" Cuts back to Token Asian Presenter, who has now assumed a supremely smug smile. Token Asian Presenter: "Fantasic. And now we move on to a happier item. Three months ago, 8 year old Saheeb Al-Sabba Al Sabba had both his legs blown off when a Coalition forces patriot missile tore through his window and blasted him thirty five feet into the...
Classic unsolicited email
Rooting back through old emails, found this gem... Name: Joey email: roscommonsuck@######.com comments: hey i am from roscommon and i was wondering about a nice lookin girl from life style sports enniskillian shopping centre . i saw her there saturday and i had the real bright dyed hair she was in her teens and had black hair and lovely eyes could you read this out and if she rings in or txts could u give my email addy or email me or call me on 35390###### please i can't stop thinking of her. or txt her my number please read...
The adventures of Dr. Archimedes J. Sparkplug – Part the first
Episode 1: The North-side Dublin party... Original text by Damien DeBarra and Conor Ryan. Theme music fades out and background noise fades in.. Background noise: pub in full swing, clinking glasses, thumping music, loud chatter, shrieking laughter etc etc. Dr. Sparkplug: (speaking in a ridiculous pesudo-Attenborough academic tone, all hushed conspiracy and earnest passion) “Good evening and welcome to the inaugural episode in this new radio series entitled ‘In our World’, with me your host Dr. Archimedes J. Sparkplug. In this show we shall attempt to probe the anthropological mysteries of life as we know it, in the Ireland of...