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Spiderman found face down in Amsterdam canal, dead
Posted by daev at 9:43 AM on June 22, 2011

Spiderman found face down in Amsterdam canal

By Pieter van de Park
Amsterdam, June 22nd 2011 -- Authorities are investigating after well-known superhero Spiderman was found face down in an Amsterdam Canal this morning. A man, yet to be named, but said to be the proprietor of local 'coffee shop' The Green Goblin, is currently being questioned. Unconfirmed reports of an all-night skunk binge are thought to have led to the American superhero's demise.

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First British Person In 100 Years Visits Dublin
Posted by blather at 9:47 AM on May 18, 2011

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[DUBLIN] On Tuesday, an elderly British woman became the first inhabitant of the British Isles to visit Ireland in nearly a century. Her expedition included an army of security guards, short, fat dogs and the British 'Prime Minister' (similar to our Taoiseach). The British Isles are a small archipelago that lie to the east of the Irish mainland. The woman, who appeared to have borrowed her outfit from Iris was said (via a translator) to have been amused by the 'very odd accent' of the inhabitants.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny was asked to comment, but was stopped from doing so by several members of Seal Team Six who cited a a British Court-ordered superinjunction which prevents him from mentioning the woman by name.

His own political party, Fine Gael, are said to be enamoured with the idea and are considering lodging their own superinjunction against him saying 'anything at all in public' during the coming weeks.

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Irish Government Cancels St. Patrick's Day
Posted by blather at 3:30 PM on March 15, 2011

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[Dublin] Government sources have revealed that a cabinet decision reached late last night, will result in the cancellation of this years St. Patrick's Day celebrations in Ireland. Blather.net understands that all parades, parties and festivities will be banned, and anyone found in breach will be liable to substantial fines, custodial sentences and/or deportation. The new Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny, is expected to make the controversial announcement within the next 24 hours; thought to be directly related to Ireland's ongoing financial crisis.

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Elation Once Again: Irish Bowled Over With Historic Cricket Win
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on March 4, 2011

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Following their historic victory over England in the Cricket World Cup, the entire Irish nation is this afternoon finally waking up to scenes of wanton carnage and drunken devastation following forty eight hours of unprecedented national celebrations. In what is being hailed as 'The Final Victory Against the Sassanach' (from Old Irish: meaning 'West Kraut'), many citizens are calling on the authorities to declare a national holiday in honour of 'Our Brave Fenian Boys' who snapped victory from the jaws of defeat whilst simultaneously ending 800 Years of English Obsession (TM).

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Louther than bombs: Louth ceded to British Crown, along with Gerry Adams
Posted by blather at 11:06 AM on March 2, 2011

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Enda Kenny, Ireland's next premier, is rumoured to be considering bequeathing the entire territory of County Louth to the British Crown. Anonymous Blather sources deep within the Fine Gael mothership suggest the ceding of the county is being seriously considered as 'a timely and appropriate gift to Her Majesty', Queen Elizabeth II, current reigning monarch of the United Kingdom, who is due to make a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland later this year.

Continue reading "Louther than bombs: Louth ceded to British Crown, along with Gerry Adams"

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Sinn Fein Stunned To Find Signs Of Civilisation South of Border
Posted by blather at 8:15 AM on March 1, 2011

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[DUBLIN] Surprise, dismay and even 'bewilderment' reported as newly elected Sinn Fein TDs discover that the Republic of Ireland is a mostly functioning state and not the 'backward, famine-riddled, priest-ridden, dung-heap of in-bred mucksavages' they were expecting.

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Gerry Adams Under Attack After Not Mentioning Bobby Sands In Interview
Posted by blather at 11:43 AM on February 28, 2011

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[LOUTH] Just days after being elected TD for Louth, Baron Von Gerry Adams has been criticised for "forgetting his roots", after he allegedly failed to make any mention of hunger striker Bobby Adams in a 30-minute period. Mr Adams' reported lapse occurred during a nationally-broadcast press conference, during a prolonged speech about economics.

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 7. Election Day
Posted by blather at 1:47 PM on February 25, 2011

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Dear Constituent,

Good morning. A fine Election Day to you. How are you? Did you sleep? You did? Excellent. Me? Ha. I haven't slept in four days. I haven't eaten solids for six. I can't even remember the last time I had a bowel movement. It may have been two weeks ago, in an Abrakestabra at 3 a.m. I'm not entirely sure. Anyway. The only reason I'm still physically standing is because of an unholy cocktail of billy whizz sulphate, dexys, benzos, amyl nitrate, cocaine and Lucozade sport. But do you hear me complain? You do in yer fuck.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 7. Election Day"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 6
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 23, 2011

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Dear Mr. O'Gill,

Many thanks for your letter, which I received last Monday. As you know, I made a campaign promise to personally answer all manifesto related enquiries received; something which I very much regret in recent days. Your 735 page document, with its associated laminated maps, brochures, and cellophane wrapped 'sample products' has not, I'm afraid, given me any reason to change my mind. With the election almost upon us and time being of the essence, I fear this must only be a cursory reply to some of your 'suggestions'.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 6"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 5
Posted by blather at 1:45 PM on February 22, 2011

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Dear Harold,

My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 5"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 4
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 21, 2011

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Dear Scutzer,

Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 4"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 3
Posted by blather at 9:26 AM on February 18, 2011

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Dear Conor,
Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself.

That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a 'heavily-guarded fortress, manned by a large, independent miltia armed to the teeth with guns, guns and more guns, ever at the ready to fend off the invading Albionites' may be a step too far for myself and the members of my party.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 3"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 2
Posted by blather at 9:30 AM on February 17, 2011

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Dear Nuala,

Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 2"

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Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 1
Posted by blather at 11:31 AM on February 16, 2011

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Dear Jim,
thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland.

I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing of the many concerns which you raised. Forgive me for not addressing the 147 numbered, cited and cross-referenced points detailed in Appendix C, but I have many constituents to respond to and shall limit myself to a few more general observations. I'm sure you understand.

Continue reading "Fear and Loathing in Leinster House: Letters from the Campaign Trail, Day 1"

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Members of sexist archaic elitist institution express grave concerns over sexist archaic elitist language
Posted by ender at 4:26 PM on February 5, 2011

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Continue reading "Members of sexist archaic elitist institution express grave concerns over sexist archaic elitist language"

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Leinster House Declared 'Green Zone' After Suicide Bombing Narrowly Fails
Posted by ender at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2010

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Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction.

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All-party condemnation for 'sober' TD found working late in Dail office
Posted by ender at 9:00 AM on September 20, 2010

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[DUBLIN] Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office.

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Ireland Introduces 'Ave Maria Law'
Posted by blather at 4:02 PM on September 17, 2010

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[DONEGAL] Hot on the heels of the much-lauded ruling from a district judge who sentenced an Irish man to a pilgrimage up the side of Croagh Patrick for swearing at a member of the Gardai (the Irish police service) calls have been made by senior members of the judiciary to move quickly to impose 'Ave Maria law', which would see a dramatic increase in secular crimes being punished with overtly Catholic sentences.

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Do You Get The Smell Of Porter?
Posted by blather at 3:47 PM on September 14, 2010

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'When votes are tight and hard to get
And your currency has also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt -
A pint of plain, is your only man'*

Continue reading "Do You Get The Smell Of Porter?"

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International uproar over Islamic plans for 'Burn A Python Day'
Posted by ender at 11:30 AM on September 9, 2010

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[Riyadh] Political and religious leaders from around the world have condemned a Saudi Arabian cleric's 'disrespectful' and 'disgraceful' plans to burn hundreds of copies of Monty Python's 'Big Red Book' on the anniversary of the 11 September attacks.

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Irish Government Employs 2,000 'Pleasure Detectors' To Enforce Dogging Tax
Posted by blather at 2:33 PM on August 24, 2010

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[DUBLIN] Outcry as 'Dogging tax' to enforce new government guidelines about illegal 'pleasure' in back of Irish vehicles is announced.

Continue reading "Irish Government Employs 2,000 'Pleasure Detectors' To Enforce Dogging Tax"

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1 in 5 Muslims Believe Osama is a Christian
Posted by blather at 2:48 PM on August 19, 2010

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'I'm telling ye - just look at the beard. Thinks he's Jesus he does'

The number of Muslims who believe -- wrongly -- that Osama Bin Laden is a Christian has increased significantly since his last video release and now account for nearly 20 percent of the world's Islamic population. 'Distinct look of the Jesus about him' says random, passing Muslim who we punched until he gave us a quote.

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You're Knock Getting In Dressed Like That, Young Lady!
Posted by ender at 8:00 AM on August 19, 2010

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Dress code inspection at the new changing facilities, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland.

In an attempt to crack down on rising numbers of wanton hussies, tramps and harlots attending the world famous Marian Shrine at Knock (Saudi Irelandistan), the Irish Catholic Church has instigated a new dress code for female pilgrims. The personal attire of all women and girls over the age of ten will now be assessed at each entry point by male security guards and/or priests. Slatterns and wenches showing too much skin will be given a few harmless slaps and a firm talking to, before being forced to don a habit or a burka for the duration of their visit.

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The Blather Society for the Appreciation of Sinead O'Connor's Arse
Posted by birdbath at 10:07 AM on August 16, 2010

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Oh most magnificent derriere. Thou sainted tush. Thy heavenly glutes wobble in a mystical dance of heaving womanhood. Nothing compares 2 Uranus.

Continue reading "The Blather Society for the Appreciation of Sinead O'Connor's Arse"

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Bongs of the Angelus to be replaced with giant BWAHHHHH sounds from Inception
Posted by birdbath at 11:17 AM on August 3, 2010

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DUBLIN - In a bid to make daily television more relevant to a broader audience, RTE have announced that as of Monday 9th August, the bongs of the Angelus (a daily broadcast of a bell ringing for the duration of one minute, accompanied by images of people pausing in contemplation) will be replaced with great, roaring blasts of noise, recently heard in Christopher Nolan's box-office smash, Inception.

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Irish Politicians Not Going on Holiday by Mistake
Posted by barry at 5:45 AM on July 9, 2010


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Irish political balls on display (Library of Congress, Creative Commons License)

[Dublin] Traumatised Irish members of parliament suffering from emotional exhaustion arising from their efforts at hiding cleaning up the god forsaken mess that is the Potato Republic, today struggled to remain awake in the Dáil chamber (Parliament) while they voted for a extended summer recess.

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No. France's World Cup misery doesn't cheer me up.
Posted by damien at 12:40 PM on June 22, 2010

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The French football team, yesterday

I've lost count at this stage of the number of people who have said to me that they suppose the miserable, farcical performance of Les Blues in the World Cup 2010 must be some sort of solace, or cause to put a smile on my face. After all, they observe with a wry wink and a gallic 'oh hoh hooooooh!', we Irish would be there only for the scandalously cheating Thierry Henry and his band of frog-leg chomping, Gauloise-chewing, tantrum-throwing twats.

Sorry. But no. It doesn't cheer me up. In fact it pisses me off so much I could tear my eyeballs out of my skull and dance on them every time I see a Frenchman on TV.

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Palin, Rand Paul Demand Obama Use His Superpowers To Stop BP Oil Leak
Posted by damien at 2:47 PM on June 1, 2010

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(President Obama, yesterday. Image by Stan, used under a CC licence)

Furious at the perceived lack of action on the part of the President and his White House administration, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska called for the President to 'get his tights on, fly down there and swallow the leak up' before the damage becomes too much to repair.

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Bono Has Taxes Surgically Extracted
Posted by birdbath at 1:27 PM on May 25, 2010

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Bono in hospital yesterday

[DUBLIN] Bono, the lead singer with Irish rock band U2, has been temporarily hospitalised whilst he has unpaid back-taxes surgically extracted from what has been described by medical experts as 'one seriously tight arse'.

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Judge forces Dáil members to don 'diapers'
Posted by ender at 8:00 AM on May 17, 2010

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A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House
(image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License)

[DUBLIN] TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians.

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Dublin Protest: Worst. Coup. Ever.
Posted by blather at 12:00 PM on May 12, 2010

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[Dublin] An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces.

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North Clare Tests Nuclear Weapons
Posted by blather at 10:33 PM on May 7, 2010

The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled.

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The Truth About Nick Clegg's Nazi Roots
Posted by blather at 11:54 AM on April 23, 2010

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Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944

[DUBLIN] After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister.

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UK Sues Ireland For Copyright Infringement Of Copyright Infringement Bill
Posted by blather at 8:50 AM on April 22, 2010

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Protests outside Dail Eireann this morning over UK case against the Irish state

The British Government's Business Secretary, Lord Voldemort, today announced that he had "no choice" other than to take the Irish government to court for their "blatant and shameless copyright violation" of the UK copyright bill, the Digital Economy Act. Voldemort also branded the Irish Justice Minister, Dermot Ahern, "a ridiculous leprechaun".

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Kids 'Too Damn Sexy' Says Catholic Church
Posted by blather at 9:31 AM on April 16, 2010

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[Dublin] Catholic priests are not the 'sexual predators' that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the 'victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy' to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into 'a state of disrepute and disgrace', according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests.

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Street Comedian Makes Up For Lack Of Material By Abusing Passing Randomers
Posted by blather at 11:38 AM on April 14, 2010

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'Hello? Anyone there?' (image by Comrade S)

[DUBLIN] Dave McScrote, a Dublin 'street comedian' spent several hours abusing passing randomers in Grafton St. yesterday in the hope that his cutting remarks would paper over the fact that he has no original material worth mentioning.

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Healthcare Reform To Pass As Obama Bores Republicans Into Submission
Posted by blather at 11:19 AM on March 10, 2010

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(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday)

House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'.

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Healthcare: Republicans Demand Obama Pats Head And Rubs Stomach Whilst Burping State Of The Union
Posted by blather at 8:51 AM on March 5, 2010

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House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday

In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken.

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Republicans Table Bill Asking President Obama To 'Get To The Fucking Point'
Posted by blather at 11:22 AM on March 4, 2010

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(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license)

House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'.

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Singer Changes Costume Thirty Times In Effort To Hide Fact Her Music Is Complete Shit
Posted by blather at 8:53 AM on March 3, 2010

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(photo by Bayer NYC, used under a Creative Commons license)

A prominent techno-diva with a penchant for dressing-up like a mentally ill chimp that's been kicked through the BBC costume department, changed outfit in excess of thirty times during a live concert last night, in order to divert attention away from the fact that her music is bland, anodyne, sub-Britney knobcheese.

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Laptop With Nefarious Illuminati Plans For Global Domination Left On London Underground Train
Posted by damien at 11:27 AM on March 2, 2010

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(image by Penningtron, used under a Creative Commons license)

The revelation that nefarious, top secret plans for global domination were left on a London Underground train is the latest in a string of recent embarrassments over data security lapses for the Illuminati.

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Easter Bunny To Give Key-Note Speech At Conference For Climate-Change Sceptics
Posted by damien at 8:52 AM on February 19, 2010

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(image by tm lv, used under a Creative Commons license)

Organisers of the first major conference dedicated to climate-change scepticism have announced that the Easter Bunny will be delivering the key-note speech on April 1st this year.

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George Lee says he would 'LOVE IT, JUST LOVE IT' if Fine Gael lost the next election
Posted by damien at 10:19 AM on February 9, 2010

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George Lee T.D., pictured during his resignation rant in the Dail Eireann canteen at 11am yesterday

[DUBLIN] Scandal and screaming in Dail Eireann as TD George Lee peppers the chamber door with assorted toys fired from an armoured pram.

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Blather.net's Terms and Conditions
Posted by blather at 12:20 PM on February 3, 2010

Putting the shit back in the cow © 2008 Dave Walsh

In May of 2010, Blather.net will be thirteen years old. That's thirteen. Puberty, ladies and spambots, is imminent and the wearing of short trousers will no longer be tolerated. In light of this disturbing turn of events (and the increasingly litigious, cut-throat monitoring of general web-activities by THEM), we have felt it necessary to update our Terms and Conditions to reflect this momentous period of change.

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Ireland Jumps on Bandwagon: Blames Cold Snap on US Administration
Posted by daev at 8:38 PM on February 1, 2010

Ice and snow in Dublin: Bad ice sign

Via Roighters:
The Irish government today announced that it would immediately align itself with Venezuelan president Victor Chavez in blaming the United States for Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet, in particular the recent 'cold' weather in Ireland

In a surprise briefing to reporters on the steps of Leinster House, Taoiseach Brian Cowen grimaced into the cold February wind, before launching into a tirade against the current US administration.

"Now in fairness, I think it's a bit of coincidence how the winters have suddenly gotten colder since Mr Osama took over in the White House", said Mr Cowen. "It was bad enough that we had all those desperate wet summers that Bush man was in charge, but this, quite frankly, is taking the mickey".

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Chavez Blames U.S. Gov't for Absolutely Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet
Posted by damien at 12:54 PM on February 1, 2010

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(image by Que Comuniso!, used under a Creative Commons license)

[CARACAS] Presidents Chavez and Ahmadinejad blame Obama administration for the Haiti earthquake, conflict in Israel, 13th century plague, the Crusades, the sinking of the Titanic and the clogging of Kim Jong Il's toilet.

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The Blather Guide to Unparliamentary Language
Posted by birdbath at 9:30 AM on December 18, 2009

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'Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.'

In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty's recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn't 'parliamentary', we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour.

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Blather Editorial Staff OUTRAGED at Lack of Allegations of Mi5 Collusion
Posted by damien at 10:01 AM on December 17, 2009

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[DUBLIN] Horror and outrage at Blather HQ, as list of 'revealed' Mi5 spooks fails to include a single member of the Blather High Command.

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The Catholic Church's Guide To Raping Kids Without Raping Them
Posted by birdbath at 11:49 AM on November 27, 2009

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(image by Leo Reynolds, used under a Creative Commons license)

In light of the latest report into the cover-up of child-abuse by the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the inevitable national bout of impotent shaking rage, ringing Joe Duffy's phone off the hook and screaming until your face explodes) Blather.net found itself fascinated by the notion which the clergy have been throwing around as an excuse for buggering kids - the idea of 'mental reservation' and how this facilitates a condition of 'lying without lying'. Yes, you read that right. Determined to get to the bottom of this latest linguistic curveball, we'd like to suggest a short list of the likely forthcoming exercises in sprain-inducing mental gymnastics which the men of the cloth will be engaging in for 2010.

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Blather.net Presents 'Let The Right Nun In'
Posted by blather at 8:25 AM on May 12, 2009

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(click image to see full size)

Zombies. Tits. Dildos. Nuns. Guns. Nuns with Guns. More Tits. Coming October 2009, Blather.net is proud to present the most shocking horror movie ever made, 'Let The Right Nun In'. In this world exclusive, Blather.net catches up with writer and director Conor-Clubfoot O'Flap who is now busy putting the final touches on the film which has taken him six years to bring to the silver screen.

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Holy Feckin Jaysus! Ireland Creates New Government Agency To Enforce Blasphemy Laws
Posted by damien at 8:30 AM on May 11, 2009

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(image by Dave Walsh)

Hot on the heels of his controversial decision to overhaul antiquated 'Blasphemy laws', Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has declared himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' with unlimited powers to search, seize, beat, rape, defame, libel, spitroast, roger, savage and claim legal ownership over whatever 'godless infidels' are within his and any government official's eyesight.

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Madonna And Angelina Jolie Fight Over Unwanted Ginger Irish Babies
Posted by damien at 1:26 PM on May 6, 2009

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Serial womb-raiders Madonna and Angelina Jolie are set to do battle over who gets final adoption rites on a brace of unwanted, ginger-haired Irish babies. The ruling will come after what promises to be a landmark Supreme Court ruling which, if the predictions of an army of twittering, micro-blogging failed actors, and talentless, unfunny comedians are to be believed, could see the floodgates thrown open to visiting celebrities who would then be free to adopt multiple ginger infants as they saw fit.

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St. Patrick's Day: Cowen and Lenihan to be taken out and shot by junkies with balls of their own shite
Posted by daev at 9:00 AM on March 17, 2009

Brian Cowen, Brian Lenihan

In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own shite.

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Blather's top tips to beat recession blues the easy way (patent pending)
Posted by blather at 10:25 AM on January 12, 2009

Dublin amidst the recession
The scene on the steps of the Count O'Blather's house, this morning (Reuters)

It has reached the point (where else does it reach?) here at Blather High Command that the faintest mention of the word 'Ree-Session' has me dusting off my late grandfather's dueling irons. I have taken to pot-shooting the television every time some smirking BBC, RTE or Sky News doomsayer slides the dirty word into some appallingly unrelated news story - like the plight of polar bears in the Arctic or the nocturnal antics of soccer players in one of Ireland's dependencies (e.g. 'England'). My valet has insisted on having the old gogglebox fitted with bulletproof glass to cut down on the expenditure, but my god, the ricochets are now something fierce - I've taken to crouching behind the bathchair in order to avoid the "friendly fire" and sporadic gun-play emanating from the Six-One news. The drawing room is a no-go area, and the frescos are completely ruined. There will be (hell) to pay, and Ann Doyle and Brian Dobson will be receiving strongly worded telegraphs from my private secretary, wherever the little nuisance has go to. I am not above taking aim at any other gleeful naysayer, depressive, pessimist, fearmonger, "I told you so" bore, moaner, begrudger, human sheep, muckraker, spreader of hysteria, economist, fumbler in greasy till or minister for finance that sits crying on my front steps, demanding alms that they can re-invest in some Wall St. pyramid scheme.

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Blather Games Presents 'Whore'
Posted by damien at 7:07 PM on September 17, 2008

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(image by Liquer Felix used under Creative Commons license)

From the creators of the multi-billion dollar game franchise 'The Crims' and 'Crim City', comes the next stage in massively multiplayer online gaming - WHORE. Ten years in development, WHORE represents a sea-change in gaming experience where you assume the role of an all-seeing, all-knowing pimp-deity who controls the reproductive rights of a sexually miseducated teenage girl. WHORE's unique online community of user-created avatars can be shared and compared, allowing you to pitch your carefully nurtured high-class call girl against your fellow players' violent crack-ho.

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Large Hadron Collider unleashes army of polite, chocolate-eating zombies
Posted by damien at 5:49 PM on September 10, 2008

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[GENEVA] A mere two hours after the ignition of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva, a giant army of chocolate-eating zombies has reportedly swept across Switzerland and over the border from Basel into Germany where outbreaks of apologetic biting and collaborative law-making have been reported in cities from Munich to Hamburg.

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Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser
Posted by damien at 11:10 AM on August 30, 2008

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Ladies! Are you going on holiday? Are you regularly away on business? Are you worried that during your absence your useless lump of a man will spend his time getting repeatedly muntered and horsing great bags of salted snacks down his already fattened gullet until you arrive home to discover a grossly overweight slug where your significant other used to be? Well, worry no more: Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser.

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The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty
Posted by damien at 12:32 PM on June 10, 2008

Lisbon Treaty poster
Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh

Can't decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty.

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Tim Westwood Horrified To Discover He's Actually White
Posted by damien at 4:51 PM on June 7, 2008

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(image by Eric Hamilton.)

Unconfirmed rumours came across the Blather desk this morning that bad-boy BBC Radio DJ Tim Westwood may have realised that he's actually white. All-round Blingmaster and Blather.net Correspondent Filthy Hack reports.

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Presenting the 'Blather Book Handling Service'
Posted by birdbath at 6:11 PM on June 1, 2008

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Thinking about ordering Blather.net's new book 'A Load of Blather' but don't know if you'll have the time to read it? Are you concerned that a tell-tale pristine copy will trash your cred with the kids? Worried your friends might think you only bought the book to have something bohemian and trendy lying around in the shitter?

Fear ye not, for the makers of 'A Load of Blather' are proud to present the 'Blather Book Handling Service'. For a mere €159.99 (an hour) we'll dog-ear, tea-stain, underline and generally batter the crap out of the thing so that it looks like it's been used as a crude weapon during a vicious battle to the death at a UFO crash-site, when, let's face it, the closest you're ever likely to get to one is down the cinema at the new Indiana Jones flick. By the time we're done spending your money servicing your whole library, visitors to your home will think you 'iz well cool', members of the opposite sex will you find you oddly alluring and random strangers will want to give you money.

Allegedly.

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