Irish Government Employs 2,000 'Pleasure Detectors' To Enforce Dogging Tax
Posted by blather at
2:33 PM on August 24, 2010
[DUBLIN] Outcry as 'Dogging tax' to enforce new government guidelines about illegal 'pleasure' in back of Irish vehicles is announced.
Continue reading "Irish Government Employs 2,000 'Pleasure Detectors' To Enforce Dogging Tax"
| Comments (1)1 in 5 Muslims Believe Osama is a Christian
Posted by blather at
2:48 PM on August 19, 2010
'I'm telling ye - just look at the beard. Thinks he's Jesus he does'
The number of Muslims who believe -- wrongly -- that Osama Bin Laden is a Christian has increased significantly since his last video release and now account for nearly 20 percent of the world's Islamic population. 'Distinct look of the Jesus about him' says random, passing Muslim who we punched until he gave us a quote.
Continue reading "1 in 5 Muslims Believe Osama is a Christian"
| Comments (0)You're Knock Getting In Dressed Like That, Young Lady!
Posted by ender at
8:00 AM on August 19, 2010
Dress code inspection at the new changing facilities, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland.
In an attempt to crack down on rising numbers of wanton hussies, tramps and harlots attending the world famous Marian Shrine at Knock (Saudi Irelandistan), the Irish Catholic Church has instigated a new dress code for female pilgrims. The personal attire of all women and girls over the age of ten will now be assessed at each entry point by male security guards and/or priests. Slatterns and wenches showing too much skin will be given a few harmless slaps and a firm talking to, before being forced to don a habit or a burka for the duration of their visit.
Continue reading "You're Knock Getting In Dressed Like That, Young Lady!"
| Comments (0)The Blather Society for the Appreciation of Sinead O'Connor's Arse
Posted by birdbath at
10:07 AM on August 16, 2010
Oh most magnificent derriere. Thou sainted tush. Thy heavenly glutes wobble in a mystical dance of heaving womanhood. Nothing compares 2 Uranus.
Continue reading "The Blather Society for the Appreciation of Sinead O'Connor's Arse"
| Comments (3)Bongs of the Angelus to be replaced with giant BWAHHHHH sounds from Inception
Posted by birdbath at
11:17 AM on August 3, 2010
DUBLIN - In a bid to make daily television more relevant to a broader audience, RTE have announced that as of Monday 9th August, the bongs of the Angelus (a daily broadcast of a bell ringing for the duration of one minute, accompanied by images of people pausing in contemplation) will be replaced with great, roaring blasts of noise, recently heard in Christopher Nolan's box-office smash, Inception.
Continue reading "Bongs of the Angelus to be replaced with giant BWAHHHHH sounds from Inception"
| Comments (0)No. France's World Cup misery doesn't cheer me up.
Posted by damien at
12:40 PM on June 22, 2010
The French football team, yesterday
I've lost count at this stage of the number of people who have said to me that they suppose the miserable, farcical performance of Les Blues in the World Cup 2010 must be some sort of solace, or cause to put a smile on my face. After all, they observe with a wry wink and a gallic 'oh hoh hooooooh!', we Irish would be there only for the scandalously cheating Thierry Henry and his band of frog-leg chomping, Gauloise-chewing, tantrum-throwing twats.
Sorry. But no. It doesn't cheer me up. In fact it pisses me off so much I could tear my eyeballs out of my skull and dance on them every time I see a Frenchman on TV.
Continue reading "No. France's World Cup misery doesn't cheer me up."
| Comments (2)Palin, Rand Paul Demand Obama Use His Superpowers To Stop BP Oil Leak
Posted by damien at
2:47 PM on June 1, 2010
(President Obama, yesterday. Image by Stan, used under a CC licence)
Furious at the perceived lack of action on the part of the President and his White House administration, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska called for the President to 'get his tights on, fly down there and swallow the leak up' before the damage becomes too much to repair.
Continue reading "Palin, Rand Paul Demand Obama Use His Superpowers To Stop BP Oil Leak"
| Comments (0)Bono Has Taxes Surgically Extracted
Posted by birdbath at
1:27 PM on May 25, 2010
Bono in hospital yesterday
[DUBLIN] Bono, the lead singer with Irish rock band U2, has been temporarily hospitalised whilst he has unpaid back-taxes surgically extracted from what has been described by medical experts as 'one seriously tight arse'.
Continue reading "Bono Has Taxes Surgically Extracted"
| Comments (0)Judge forces Dáil members to don 'diapers'
Posted by ender at
8:00 AM on May 17, 2010
A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House
(image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License)
[DUBLIN] TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians.
Continue reading "Judge forces Dáil members to don 'diapers'"
| Comments (1)Dublin Protest: Worst. Coup. Ever.
Posted by blather at
12:00 PM on May 12, 2010
[Dublin] An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces.
Continue reading "Dublin Protest: Worst. Coup. Ever."
| Comments (0)North Clare Tests Nuclear Weapons
Posted by blather at
10:33 PM on May 7, 2010
The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled.
Continue reading "North Clare Tests Nuclear Weapons"
| Comments (1)The Truth About Nick Clegg's Nazi Roots
Posted by blather at
11:54 AM on April 23, 2010
Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944
[DUBLIN] After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister.
Continue reading "The Truth About Nick Clegg's Nazi Roots"
| Comments (0)UK Sues Ireland For Copyright Infringement Of Copyright Infringement Bill
Posted by blather at
8:50 AM on April 22, 2010
Protests outside Dail Eireann this morning over UK case against the Irish state
The British Government's Business Secretary, Lord Voldemort, today announced that he had "no choice" other than to take the Irish government to court for their "blatant and shameless copyright violation" of the UK copyright bill, the Digital Economy Act. Voldemort also branded the Irish Justice Minister, Dermot Ahern, "a ridiculous leprechaun".
Continue reading "UK Sues Ireland For Copyright Infringement Of Copyright Infringement Bill"
| Comments (0)Kids 'Too Damn Sexy' Says Catholic Church
Posted by blather at
9:31 AM on April 16, 2010
[Dublin] Catholic priests are not the 'sexual predators' that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the 'victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy' to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into 'a state of disrepute and disgrace', according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests.
Continue reading "Kids 'Too Damn Sexy' Says Catholic Church"
| Comments (2)Street Comedian Makes Up For Lack Of Material By Abusing Passing Randomers
Posted by blather at
11:38 AM on April 14, 2010
'Hello? Anyone there?' (image by Comrade S)
[DUBLIN] Dave McScrote, a Dublin 'street comedian' spent several hours abusing passing randomers in Grafton St. yesterday in the hope that his cutting remarks would paper over the fact that he has no original material worth mentioning.
Continue reading "Street Comedian Makes Up For Lack Of Material By Abusing Passing Randomers"
| Comments (1)Healthcare Reform To Pass As Obama Bores Republicans Into Submission
Posted by blather at
11:19 AM on March 10, 2010
(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday)
House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'.
Continue reading "Healthcare Reform To Pass As Obama Bores Republicans Into Submission"
| Comments (0)Healthcare: Republicans Demand Obama Pats Head And Rubs Stomach Whilst Burping State Of The Union
Posted by blather at
8:51 AM on March 5, 2010
House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday
In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken.
| Comments (0)Republicans Table Bill Asking President Obama To 'Get To The Fucking Point'
Posted by blather at
11:22 AM on March 4, 2010
(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license)
House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'.
Continue reading "Republicans Table Bill Asking President Obama To 'Get To The Fucking Point'"
| Comments (1)Singer Changes Costume Thirty Times In Effort To Hide Fact Her Music Is Complete Shit
Posted by blather at
8:53 AM on March 3, 2010
(photo by Bayer NYC, used under a Creative Commons license)
A prominent techno-diva with a penchant for dressing-up like a mentally ill chimp that's been kicked through the BBC costume department, changed outfit in excess of thirty times during a live concert last night, in order to divert attention away from the fact that her music is bland, anodyne, sub-Britney knobcheese.
| Comments (1)Laptop With Nefarious Illuminati Plans For Global Domination Left On London Underground Train
Posted by damien at
11:27 AM on March 2, 2010
(image by Penningtron, used under a Creative Commons license)
The revelation that nefarious, top secret plans for global domination were left on a London Underground train is the latest in a string of recent embarrassments over data security lapses for the Illuminati.
| Comments (1)Easter Bunny To Give Key-Note Speech At Conference For Climate-Change Sceptics
Posted by damien at
8:52 AM on February 19, 2010
(image by tm lv, used under a Creative Commons license)
Organisers of the first major conference dedicated to climate-change scepticism have announced that the Easter Bunny will be delivering the key-note speech on April 1st this year.
Continue reading "Easter Bunny To Give Key-Note Speech At Conference For Climate-Change Sceptics"
| Comments (0)George Lee says he would 'LOVE IT, JUST LOVE IT' if Fine Gael lost the next election
Posted by damien at
10:19 AM on February 9, 2010
George Lee T.D., pictured during his resignation rant in the Dail Eireann canteen at 11am yesterday
[DUBLIN] Scandal and screaming in Dail Eireann as TD George Lee peppers the chamber door with assorted toys fired from an armoured pram.
| Comments (1)Blather.net's Terms and Conditions
Posted by blather at
12:20 PM on February 3, 2010
In May of 2010, Blather.net will be thirteen years old. That's thirteen. Puberty, ladies and spambots, is imminent and the wearing of short trousers will no longer be tolerated. In light of this disturbing turn of events (and the increasingly litigious, cut-throat monitoring of general web-activities by THEM), we have felt it necessary to update our Terms and Conditions to reflect this momentous period of change.
Continue reading "Blather.net's Terms and Conditions"
| Comments (0)Ireland Jumps on Bandwagon: Blames Cold Snap on US Administration
Posted by daev at
8:38 PM on February 1, 2010
Via Roighters:
The Irish government today announced that it would immediately align itself with Venezuelan president Victor Chavez in blaming the United States for Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet, in particular the recent 'cold' weather in Ireland
In a surprise briefing to reporters on the steps of Leinster House, Taoiseach Brian Cowen grimaced into the cold February wind, before launching into a tirade against the current US administration.
"Now in fairness, I think it's a bit of coincidence how the winters have suddenly gotten colder since Mr Osama took over in the White House", said Mr Cowen. "It was bad enough that we had all those desperate wet summers that Bush man was in charge, but this, quite frankly, is taking the mickey".
Continue reading "Ireland Jumps on Bandwagon: Blames Cold Snap on US Administration"
| Comments (0)Chavez Blames U.S. Gov't for Absolutely Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet
Posted by damien at
12:54 PM on February 1, 2010
(image by Que Comuniso!, used under a Creative Commons license)
[CARACAS] Presidents Chavez and Ahmadinejad blame Obama administration for the Haiti earthquake, conflict in Israel, 13th century plague, the Crusades, the sinking of the Titanic and the clogging of Kim Jong Il's toilet.
| Comments (1)The Blather Guide to Unparliamentary Language
Posted by birdbath at
9:30 AM on December 18, 2009
'Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.'
In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty's recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn't 'parliamentary', we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour.
Continue reading "The Blather Guide to Unparliamentary Language"
| Comments (0)Blather Editorial Staff OUTRAGED at Lack of Allegations of Mi5 Collusion
Posted by damien at
10:01 AM on December 17, 2009
[DUBLIN] Horror and outrage at Blather HQ, as list of 'revealed' Mi5 spooks fails to include a single member of the Blather High Command.
Continue reading "Blather Editorial Staff OUTRAGED at Lack of Allegations of Mi5 Collusion"
| Comments (6)The Catholic Church's Guide To Raping Kids Without Raping Them
Posted by birdbath at
11:49 AM on November 27, 2009
(image by Leo Reynolds, used under a Creative Commons license)
In light of the latest report into the cover-up of child-abuse by the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the inevitable national bout of impotent shaking rage, ringing Joe Duffy's phone off the hook and screaming until your face explodes) Blather.net found itself fascinated by the notion which the clergy have been throwing around as an excuse for buggering kids - the idea of 'mental reservation' and how this facilitates a condition of 'lying without lying'. Yes, you read that right. Determined to get to the bottom of this latest linguistic curveball, we'd like to suggest a short list of the likely forthcoming exercises in sprain-inducing mental gymnastics which the men of the cloth will be engaging in for 2010.
Continue reading "The Catholic Church's Guide To Raping Kids Without Raping Them"
| Comments (5)Blather.net Presents 'Let The Right Nun In'
Posted by blather at
8:25 AM on May 12, 2009
(click image to see full size)
Zombies. Tits. Dildos. Nuns. Guns. Nuns with Guns. More Tits. Coming October 2009, Blather.net is proud to present the most shocking horror movie ever made, 'Let The Right Nun In'. In this world exclusive, Blather.net catches up with writer and director Conor-Clubfoot O'Flap who is now busy putting the final touches on the film which has taken him six years to bring to the silver screen.
Continue reading "Blather.net Presents 'Let The Right Nun In'"
| Comments (1)Holy Feckin Jaysus! Ireland Creates New Government Agency To Enforce Blasphemy Laws
Posted by damien at
8:30 AM on May 11, 2009
(image by Dave Walsh)
Hot on the heels of his controversial decision to overhaul antiquated 'Blasphemy laws', Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has declared himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' with unlimited powers to search, seize, beat, rape, defame, libel, spitroast, roger, savage and claim legal ownership over whatever 'godless infidels' are within his and any government official's eyesight.
| Comments (2)Madonna And Angelina Jolie Fight Over Unwanted Ginger Irish Babies
Posted by damien at
1:26 PM on May 6, 2009
Serial womb-raiders Madonna and Angelina Jolie are set to do battle over who gets final adoption rites on a brace of unwanted, ginger-haired Irish babies. The ruling will come after what promises to be a landmark Supreme Court ruling which, if the predictions of an army of twittering, micro-blogging failed actors, and talentless, unfunny comedians are to be believed, could see the floodgates thrown open to visiting celebrities who would then be free to adopt multiple ginger infants as they saw fit.
Continue reading "Madonna And Angelina Jolie Fight Over Unwanted Ginger Irish Babies"
| Comments (4)St. Patrick's Day: Cowen and Lenihan to be taken out and shot by junkies with balls of their own shite
Posted by daev at
9:00 AM on March 17, 2009
In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own shite.
| Comments (1)Blather's top tips to beat recession blues the easy way (patent pending)
Posted by blather at
10:25 AM on January 12, 2009
The scene on the steps of the Count O'Blather's house, this morning (Reuters)
It has reached the point (where else does it reach?) here at Blather High Command that the faintest mention of the word 'Ree-Session' has me dusting off my late grandfather's dueling irons. I have taken to pot-shooting the television every time some smirking BBC, RTE or Sky News doomsayer slides the dirty word into some appallingly unrelated news story - like the plight of polar bears in the Arctic or the nocturnal antics of soccer players in one of Ireland's dependencies (e.g. 'England'). My valet has insisted on having the old gogglebox fitted with bulletproof glass to cut down on the expenditure, but my god, the ricochets are now something fierce - I've taken to crouching behind the bathchair in order to avoid the "friendly fire" and sporadic gun-play emanating from the Six-One news. The drawing room is a no-go area, and the frescos are completely ruined. There will be (hell) to pay, and Ann Doyle and Brian Dobson will be receiving strongly worded telegraphs from my private secretary, wherever the little nuisance has go to. I am not above taking aim at any other gleeful naysayer, depressive, pessimist, fearmonger, "I told you so" bore, moaner, begrudger, human sheep, muckraker, spreader of hysteria, economist, fumbler in greasy till or minister for finance that sits crying on my front steps, demanding alms that they can re-invest in some Wall St. pyramid scheme.
Continue reading "Blather's top tips to beat recession blues the easy way (patent pending)"
| Comments (26)Blather Games Presents 'Whore'
Posted by damien at
7:07 PM on September 17, 2008
(image by Liquer Felix used under Creative Commons license)
From the creators of the multi-billion dollar game franchise 'The Crims' and 'Crim City', comes the next stage in massively multiplayer online gaming - WHORE. Ten years in development, WHORE represents a sea-change in gaming experience where you assume the role of an all-seeing, all-knowing pimp-deity who controls the reproductive rights of a sexually miseducated teenage girl. WHORE's unique online community of user-created avatars can be shared and compared, allowing you to pitch your carefully nurtured high-class call girl against your fellow players' violent crack-ho.
Continue reading "Blather Games Presents 'Whore'"
| Comments (1)Large Hadron Collider unleashes army of polite, chocolate-eating zombies
Posted by damien at
5:49 PM on September 10, 2008
[GENEVA] A mere two hours after the ignition of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva, a giant army of chocolate-eating zombies has reportedly swept across Switzerland and over the border from Basel into Germany where outbreaks of apologetic biting and collaborative law-making have been reported in cities from Munich to Hamburg.
Continue reading "Large Hadron Collider unleashes army of polite, chocolate-eating zombies"
| Comments (6)Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser
Posted by damien at
11:10 AM on August 30, 2008
Ladies! Are you going on holiday? Are you regularly away on business? Are you worried that during your absence your useless lump of a man will spend his time getting repeatedly muntered and horsing great bags of salted snacks down his already fattened gullet until you arrive home to discover a grossly overweight slug where your significant other used to be? Well, worry no more: Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser.
Continue reading "Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser"
| Comments (0)The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty
Posted by damien at
12:32 PM on June 10, 2008
Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh
Can't decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty.
Continue reading "The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty"
| Comments (2)Tim Westwood Horrified To Discover He's Actually White
Posted by damien at
4:51 PM on June 7, 2008
(image by Eric Hamilton.)
Unconfirmed rumours came across the Blather desk this morning that bad-boy BBC Radio DJ Tim Westwood may have realised that he's actually white. All-round Blingmaster and Blather.net Correspondent Filthy Hack reports.
Continue reading "Tim Westwood Horrified To Discover He's Actually White"
| Comments (2)Presenting the 'Blather Book Handling Service'
Posted by birdbath at
6:11 PM on June 1, 2008
Thinking about ordering Blather.net's new book 'A Load of Blather' but don't know if you'll have the time to read it? Are you concerned that a tell-tale pristine copy will trash your cred with the kids? Worried your friends might think you only bought the book to have something bohemian and trendy lying around in the shitter?
Fear ye not, for the makers of 'A Load of Blather' are proud to present the 'Blather Book Handling Service'. For a mere €159.99 (an hour) we'll dog-ear, tea-stain, underline and generally batter the crap out of the thing so that it looks like it's been used as a crude weapon during a vicious battle to the death at a UFO crash-site, when, let's face it, the closest you're ever likely to get to one is down the cinema at the new Indiana Jones flick. By the time we're done spending your money servicing your whole library, visitors to your home will think you 'iz well cool', members of the opposite sex will you find you oddly alluring and random strangers will want to give you money.
Allegedly.
Continue reading "Presenting the 'Blather Book Handling Service'"
| Comments (3)Snail Allegedly Prosecuted for Alleged Anti-Slimentologist Views
Posted by barry at
4:14 PM on May 25, 2008
A snail has allegedly been scooped off the ground and arrested, allegedly, for allegedly expressing anti-Slimentologist views outside the London headquarters of the Church of Slimentology. Allegedly.
Continue reading "Snail Allegedly Prosecuted for Alleged Anti-Slimentologist Views"
| Comments (2)The Assassination of Noam Chomsky: Which Flying Saucer Acted Alone?
Posted by barry at
4:55 PM on April 13, 2008
No doubt you remember where you were when you heard about the shocking and horrible events of February 28. Feared academic, writer, rambler and digressionator, Noam Chomsky, was killed by a lone flying saucer in Antarctica, alongside his many lawyers.
Continue reading "The Assassination of Noam Chomsky: Which Flying Saucer Acted Alone?"
| Comments (5)Frank Ward Dies on Ostrich Farm
Posted by barry at
10:39 PM on March 31, 2008
Who could have known that the story of Ireland's Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's solicitors Frank Ward & Co. threatening politics.ie into silence would take this truly shocking twist? Frank Ward, the Senior Managing Partner (capital S, capital M, capital P) and Founder (capital F) of Frank Ward & Company, Solicitors (capital F, capital W, capital C, capital S) has been found dead following a horrific incident on his Kilkenny ostrich farm!
Continue reading "Frank Ward Dies on Ostrich Farm"
| Comments (4)The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP Drowns
Posted by barry at
10:42 PM on March 7, 2008
It's not every day I read about someone in the news and the next thing they up and die in the most bizarre fashion!
Continue reading "The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP Drowns"
| Comments (3)Blather presents 'Ireland's Greatest Wits'
Posted by damien at
11:53 AM on October 16, 2007
Yesterday, the lion's share of British media outlets ran with the story that a recent poll, conducted to figure out who was Britain's greatest wit, placed the writer Oscar Wilde at the top of a list of ten auspicious names. And indeed he was a funny chap. There's a slight issue though: Oscar Wilde was not British. Oscar Wilde was (drumroll) Irish. But no matter; let's not get hung up on semantics. In the interest of furthering Anglo-Irish relations, and generally educating the great unwashed, Blather.net now humbly submits its list of Ireland's greatest wits for your perusal and comment.
Continue reading "Blather presents 'Ireland's Greatest Wits'"
| Comments (8)Deadly Skunk Floods London
Posted by damien at
2:30 PM on October 15, 2007
Dramatic new evidence of the dangers of rogue jihadi animals emerged today as government scientists warned that a most harmful "stink" is flooding our streets. Crack Al Qaeda skunks have been caught on CCTV pissing, shitting and spraying London water services in an attempt to foul up the city's drinking grog. 'London water is a globally-recognised brand - known for it's purity, cheap costs and chemical benevolence' guffawed a Thames Effluence spokesman through barely controlled sniggers.
Continue reading "Deadly Skunk Floods London"
| Comments (2)Bundles Ahern, Northern Rock and the Scourge of Puff Daddy's Bling
Posted by damien at
3:45 PM on September 16, 2007
An odd week here in the London branch of Blather Towers. As well as changing locations (from the leafy suburbs of Muswell Hill to the altogether more interesting and noisy Turnpike Lane) we're also going back to college. To play games. No, seriously.
Anyhoosa, inbetween unpacking boxes, bouts of fending off the largest dog in London (long story) and getting lost on the tube, we found time to indulge ourselves in one of our favourite hobbies: howling laughing at Irish politics.
Continue reading "Bundles Ahern, Northern Rock and the Scourge of Puff Daddy's Bling "
| Comments (0)Kate McCann declared 'Haguido'
Posted by damien at
5:49 PM on September 10, 2007
Portugese police stepped up their investigations into the disappearance of Maddie McCann this morning, in particular their continued focus on Kate McCann, by officially declaring her a 'haguido', requesting permission to search her body for superflous nipples, signs of fornication with the great beast and finally to have her burnt at the stake for being blatantly more intelligent than the half-witted, strategically-shaved primates that are supposed to be leading the search for her missing child.
Continue reading "Kate McCann declared 'Haguido'"
| Comments (3)How to Fly a Building
Posted by barry at
7:40 PM on September 5, 2007
Have you vague feelings that you are searching for something inexpressible? At last at Blather we have discovered what you should be doing with yourself. You need to fly a building. Here is our how-to guide.
Continue reading "How to Fly a Building"
| Comments (3)It's all gone Grant Morrison (or how 'Heroes' might actually save the world)
Posted by damien at
7:10 AM on May 11, 2007
As the movie industry spirals ever-further into creative redundancy, TV shows such as The West Wing, The Sopranos and Rescue Me have delivered world-class ensemble acting and increasingly complex plotting - so complex that one author recently suggested that modern TV is making us smarter - to an ever-more demanding audience. But in recent months, one show is going even further: touching on primal fears about political manipulation, the nature of good and evil and, perhaps most interestingly, quietly introducing sigil magic to an unsuspecting audience. Meet the 'Heroes'.
Continue reading "It's all gone Grant Morrison (or how 'Heroes' might actually save the world)"
| Comments (11)Irishwoman Deafened By Ticking Of Her Own Biological Clock
Posted by damien at
12:01 AM on May 1, 2007
(GALWAY) Long-term lonely-heart and five-times 'Bunny Boiler of the Year' award-winner Mairead O'Hoop claimed she was struck deaf by the incessant ticking of her own biological clock last night, in the midst of a frenetic round of speed dating. Having successfully scared off five men in under six minutes, O'Hoop (32, possibly 38) was reported to be in the midst of conversing with a handsome manure farmer from Leitrim and was so taken with his manly charms, that the passing seconds became akin to the bongs of the Angelus, rendering her incapable of hearing his screams for mercy as she seized him by the genitalia and dragged him to the bathroom.
Continue reading "Irishwoman Deafened By Ticking Of Her Own Biological Clock"
| Comments (1)Shaky Admits All Crimes
Posted by barry at
6:59 AM on March 16, 2007
Last night, at the water torture facility at Mosney, Sheikhin' Stevens admitted to all his foul crimes, including the terrorist attacks on America of September 11, 2001, the Bali bombing, the Madrid bombing and the July 7 bombings in London.
Continue reading "Shaky Admits All Crimes"
| Comments (6)Entire Irish Nation Gathers On Beach To Futilely Shake Fists At Sellafield Nuclear Power Plant
Posted by damien at
4:41 PM on January 12, 2007
(DUBLIN) The entire population of the Republic of Ireland are due to gather on Dollymount Strand, Clontarf this coming weekend to join in the world's largest instance of impotent fist-shaking at a neighbouring nuclear polluter. 'We're gonna tell them British bastards what's feckin' what so we feckin are' said a random drunk who crawled out from under a nearby rock.
Morrissey Finally Runs Out Of Things To Moan About
Posted by damien at
2:37 PM on January 12, 2007
(LONDON) Slightly mishaven, tweed-wearing men the world over were aghast this Tuesday gone when Craven McMoneygrab, the newly installed manager of the Morrisey junket, announced that the legendary bequiffed caterwauler had finally, once and for all, run out of things to moan about.
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| Comments (3)'A very Eli Christmas'
Posted by damien at
11:44 AM on December 7, 2006
Special Blather correspondent Elimare, regales us with a charming Christmas tale, inspired by the annual Xmas display in the Brown Thomas windows, on Dublin's Grafton Street. Taken from the ever-readable blog 'Severe Jam Damage', 'A very Eli Christmas' looks at the other side of the holiday season in Ireland - the one that the tourist board probably doesn't want you to know about. Photo by Elimare.
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| Comments (1)Taoist Problem Page
Posted by barry at
6:32 PM on October 16, 2006
Do you need answers?! Here are letters taken from the problem pages of magazines. They were meant for run-of-the-mill agony aunts, but we showed them to our own Taoist sage, who is never wrong!
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| Comments (3)Irishman provokes outrage by throwing drowning fundamentalist a rope
Posted by damien at
1:55 PM on September 22, 2006
(DUBLIN) Jojoba Witnesses were 'outraged' today when a passing Irishman threw a dirty rope to a drowning Jojoba Witness in the Grand Canal. Horrified at coming into contact with an 'unclean substance' the Jojoba Witnesses have marched on the offices of the Irish Government to express their disgust at this repulsive act of of benevolence.
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| Comments (1)Blather quotes 700 year old conversation. Entire planet goes mental.
Posted by damien at
3:36 PM on September 21, 2006
(DUBLIN) Violent protests erupted in Dublin today when enraged Bloggers took to the streets to express their outrage at Blather writer Samwise Doran for his speech earlier this week, wherein he quoted a 700 year-old conversation between a html programmer and an xml developer which was written on a UCD toilet wall.
Church leaders, horse-fetishists, lake-monster hunters, politicians, satanists and bitter, twisted discussion forum harridans rampaged across Dublin city centre this morning in a bacchanalian frenzy of spam, spittle and cannibalism. In a worrying escalation of events, further riots are reported to be breaking out across the globe, with violent clashes reported in Sydney Australia, San Francisco, USA and Knobber, Co. Meath, Ireland.
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| Comments (4)Provisional IRA sue Real IRA for copyright infringement
Posted by damien at
2:16 PM on July 26, 2006
BELFAST. Uproar in Northern Ireland as Republican activists rampage across the web, leaving a trail of spam, badly-spelt blog comments and a faint whiff of cheap perfume. 'A bunch of dirty, sleeveen bogtrotter bastards' says shady balaclava-wearing thug.
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| Comments (1)BlatherLabs Presents: The Interested Bear
Posted by blather at
3:34 PM on July 5, 2006
Are you chronically dull? Do you require constant attention? Do you find yourself seeking endless validation on discussion forums? If so, then you need 'The Interested Bear'! Brought to you by special blather correspondent, Moon.
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| Comments (1)Blather Meets... Britney
Posted by blather at
1:34 PM on June 23, 2006
Earlier this week, blather.net dispatched crack reporter Dan Brown to meet with the diminutive American pop-star, Britney Spears, for an exclusive interview. What followed was an intimate conversation over some fine wines, posh nosh and a wayward Bush.
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| Comments (2)
