Month: March 2010

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(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday) House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'. As previously reported, Republican nerves have been shredding this last week, with GOPers tabling a bill urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. And, it would seem, their patience has finally worn thin. Democrats were said to be elated after the 'landmark' breakthrough and hailed President Obama's strategy of boring the opposition into cracking. 'It was a long haul' said one Democratic insider who spoke on condition of anonymity, 'but it's been hugely successful in the end.' 'The President set out a clear plan' he said, 'simply talk and talk and talk about healthcare until even the most...

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House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken. Furious across-the-floor negotiations began with Dems demanding that the motion be withdrawn; Republicans seemed wiling to move on the brand of beer but insisted that the President would not be allowed to smoke, due to fire and safety regulations. However Republicans were quick to rubbish suggestions that they had only brought the motion before the house after deciding not to pursue another much harsher proposal: that Obama should perform backflips down Pennsylvania Avenue whilst barking...

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(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license) House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'. 'He just rambles on and on' he said, 'speaking in five-word statements, with five-second pauses between the statements with occasional 'uh's and 'ah's which drag on for a God-damned eternity while we sit there getting ass-cramp. I'm serious - another one of those meetings and I'll throw myself off a God-damned bridge.' Other GOPers were keen to add their voice to the issue with Senator Michelle Buckfast (R. Iowa) saying that the President's 'interminable monologues'...

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(photo by Bayer NYC, used under a Creative Commons license) A prominent techno-diva with a penchant for dressing-up like a mentally ill chimp that's been kicked through the BBC costume department, changed outfit in excess of thirty times during a live concert last night, in order to divert attention away from the fact that her music is bland, anodyne, sub-Britney knobcheese. Lady Gagbag (nee Luralee Hicks) worked her way through a dizzying array of costume and jewellery changes during a ninety-minute set at the Painfully Cool New York Music Event That You Weren't At last night, showcasing costumes which onlookers described as ranging from 'witty and provocative' to 'full-blown cheap, nasty skank'. Starting out with a crystal-encrusted thong and bra ensemble, Gagbag swiftly changed into a crotchless F-16 pilot's fatigues only to appear five minutes later in a late nineteenth century deep-sea diving suit with blinged-out locking clasps. A couple...

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(image by Penningtron, used under a Creative Commons license) The revelation that nefarious, top secret plans for global domination were left on a London Underground train is the latest in a string of recent embarrassments over data security lapses for the Illuminati. In November of last year, it was disclosed that more than 1,000 Illuminati computers and laptops had been lost or stolen in recent years. The Ministry of Insidious Mind-Control was the worst offender, with 503 laptops or PCs missing in the past decade, with the Ministry of Staring Into the Great Inky Abyss Whilst We Await The Arrival Of The Dark Lord a close second with an alleged loss of 323 laptops and memory cards containing sensitive data. On January 19 this year, it emerged that a 33rd Degree Grand Master's laptop containing the details of 600,000 unwilling corporate shills and indentured wage-slaves had been stolen. The computer...