Month: August 2010

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Outcry as 'Dogging tax' to enforce new government guidelines about illegal 'pleasure' in back of Irish vehicles is announced. OUTRAGE ETC. In the wake of the today's controversial announcement by Environment Minister John Gormley that 'all drivers of commercial 4X4s and small vans must legally declare that they will not use them for any social, domestic or pleasure purposes', there now comes a welcome good news story for the embattled government. The Minister also announced the creation of a new government agency, made up of 2,000 staff whose remit is to detect any illegal instances of 'pleasure' taking place in the back of Irish road vehicles. Quickly nick-named 'dogging tax' by would-be interweb funny men, the new agency's name is as yet undisclosed, but rumours suggest that it may be called G.R.O.P.E. A government lackey, speaking on strict terms of anonymity said 'this class of thing has been going on...

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'I'm telling ye - just look at the beard. Thinks he's Jesus he does' The number of Muslims who believe -- wrongly -- that Osama Bin Laden is a Christian has increased significantly since his last video release and now account for nearly 20 percent of the world's Islamic population. 'Distinct look of the Jesus about him' says random, passing Muslim who we punched until he gave us a quote. Those results, from a new Raving Bigot Research Center survey, were drawn from interviews done before the Al Qaeda leader's alleged comments about the construction of a Christian cultural center near Cave Zero, and they suggest that there could be serious political danger for the AQ leaders as the debate continues. The AQ leader's religion, like his place of birth, has been the subject of Internet-spread rumors and falsehoods since before he began his campaign to rain death down upon...

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Dress code inspection at the new changing facilities, Knock, Co. Mayo, Ireland. In an attempt to crack down on rising numbers of wanton hussies, tramps and harlots attending the world famous Marian Shrine at Knock (Saudi Irelandistan), the Irish Catholic Church has instigated a new dress code for female pilgrims. The personal attire of all women and girls over the age of ten will now be assessed at each entry point by male security guards and/or priests. Slatterns and wenches showing too much skin will be given a few harmless slaps and a firm talking to, before being forced to don a habit or a burka for the duration of their visit. According to Fr. Phelim McCrotch, official Parish spokesman on women's issues, the new 'dress code guidelines' which came into force in recent days have already netted results. "Only yesterday, we cornered a dirty little trollope who was showing...

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Oh most magnificent derriere. Thou sainted tush. Thy heavenly glutes wobble in a mystical dance of heaving womanhood. Nothing compares 2 Uranus. We love a good rant here at Blather. Love it we do. A good rant and a fine pair of butt cheeks. And so, joy was unfettered today at the London Blather outpost when we read the following in the Indo: "It is despicable and horrifying that my marriage was used as a chance to stamp on me. There are reasons why this has happened. One: Those papers were angry they didn't know anything about the wedding. Two: They never will. Three: I am fantastically talented. Four: I have a fantastic arse. Which has been responsible for the conception of my four lovely children, by four lovely men. By the presence in my life of those beautiful children and their four beautiful fathers, I am honoured and proud."...

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DUBLIN - In a bid to make daily television more relevant to a broader audience, RTE have announced that as of Monday 9th August, the bongs of the Angelus (a daily broadcast of a bell ringing for the duration of one minute, accompanied by images of people pausing in contemplation) will be replaced with great, roaring blasts of noise, recently heard in Christopher Nolan's box-office smash, Inception. Images of local Irish people enjoying quiet moments of contemplation will be replaced by scenes of Irish people having earth-shattering, life-altering, brain-fucking, nervous system-shredding revelations about the sheer futility of their lives, their insignificant place in the greater scheme of the universe and a general feeling of being about as important as a smudge on a discarded laboratory slide. Inspired by Hans Zimmer's score for the hit movie, the new Angelus will (according to sources at the national broadcaster) provide a 'crucial counterpoint...