Year: 2003

Blather
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Lost subatomic particle lost, then found again... An Irish doctor who found a missing subatomic particle in his attic, has flown it back to its home in the Petersburg Nuclear Physics Institute in Russia. The particle is thought to be the Quark of the Covenant. Ian McLenin, from County Donegal, recognised the tiny particle, a pentaquark, captured it and quietly flew it back to Russia. It had been taken from Russia in 1812 by a French secret agent. The pentaquark, five-quark particle, is thought to have been used to fuel the the Israelites trip to the Promised Land, where they supposedly took the 10 Commandments. Dr McLenin, who found the Quark of the Covenant last month, said: "It was quite emotional, and I had to hunt it down like a dog. My attic is in a terrible mess. A subatomic particle is a sacred thing; you can't look at it...

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The Blather guide to being a real woman... Inspired by this thread on P45.... 1. Wear PVC cat-suits and terrify men 2. Wake up in the morning with perfect hair 3. Skydive out a low flying aeroplane moments after inserting a sanitary product into your unmentionables. smile like an idiot. 4. Flick your hair. A lot. 5. Dress like a crack whore femme-fetale and have men falling at your feet without ever sacrificing your feminist principles. 6. Be a hard assed space commander of a crew of roughneck yeehahs without compromising your essential maternal nature. 7. Strap on an enormous robotic exoskeleton suit and fight to the death with a snarling alien queen over a 8-year-old orphaned teddybear-clutching moppet 8. Take cold heartless multi-national to court using nothing other than your cleavage and sassiness. sue them for 800 billion dollars. Give cash to cancer riddled-townspeople. 9. Receive vision from god....

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(image by yersinia, used under a Creative Commons license) The Blather guide to being a real man. Oh yes. 1. Open a bra with one hand. 2. Resolve Schroedinger's equation for a Cobalt electron in an elevated energetic state. 3. Kill a live animal, skin it, cook it and eat it without salt. 4. Calm a wild angry grizzly bear by staring it into submission. 5. Find the clitoris. 6. Defuse a nuclear weapon in seven seconds. 7. Rescue a group of hostages from a burning building filled with East German terrorists, using nothing more than a half-empty machine gun, a vest and some duct tape. 8. Fly a harrier jump jet through a crowded city and strafe the side of a high-rise building with a vulcan cannon. 9. Rip off an ATM with a strip of chewing gum and a screwdriver. 10. Saw your own arm off from the...

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cross the road? Inspired by this thread on p45 Why did the chicken cross the road? (all written by Dave Walsh, 'cept the birdbath one, which was written by birdbath) Flann O'Brien: Sure didn't he cross because he wanted to avail of the great novelty that was the atomic theory, which was at work everywhere in the parish. By the time, begob, that he had reached the other side, that very chicken was already 10% road. And 5% bicycle. More Flann >> Hunter S. Thompson To get away from those fucking bats. Out there, on the edge of the desert, the drugs were beginning to take hold. Raoul Chicken was swooped upon by what looked like huge bats, screech and diving. "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" No way was this chicken going to give into these brutal horrors. He was too weird to live, but too rare to...

Blather
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No more semi-loitering for tourists A group of traders in the Grafton St./Nassau St. area of Dublin have called for a minimum speed to be introduced. The group estimates that more than €100 million is being lost annually due to 'slow walking'. 'It get especially bad in June', said a spokesman, owner of a business on Nassau St. ' People can't out to buy lunch, or to meetings. Once the tourists arrive, no one can get up or down the street, it all grinds to a halt. These people may walk like this in their own country, but they should be informed that the people of Dublin are not on their holidays.' The group has also called on Dublin City Council to introduce a network of 'speed cameras' for pedestrians at busy junctions such as the bottom of Dawson St. They suggest that the Mandatory fines would be imposed in...

Blather
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Belgium doesn't exist, apparently. "BELGIUM DOESN'T EXIST!" or "Land of Sprouts and Chocolate, I Think Not." (or "België bestaat helemaal niet" for our imaginary friends) More>> "The existence of the supposed European country of Belgium has been taken as gospel for years by members of the Liberati. It has long been held up as a shining example of Liberal philosophies in action. However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."