Year: 2004
Holy Sh*t discovered in Jerusalem
Archaeologists made an astonishing announcement today... Archaeologists made an astonishing announcement today, claiming that fragmentary samples of human faeces have been found in a 1st century tomb near the banks of the Dead Sea. Almost immediately, the interweb was awash with rumours that the diggers had uncovered nothing less than a two-thousand year old dump from the man himself, Jehoshua Ben Joseph, a.k.a. Jesus H. Christ. "If the discovery can be authenticated then this would represent a staggering breakthrough. Combined with dried sweat stains from the Turin Shroud and a smattering of fibres from Elvis' liver, we could, theoretically reconstruct the DNA of Jesus" said a random passer-by in the street. More as we get it.
Dogs in Space
Walsh sends the family dog into space... My parents have a dog. She is an astronaut. Say hello to Becky. This is her taking off from Cape Canoodle last weekend. So much for the Mars Rover, or Beagle. Performed in Potatoshop. Get the T-shirt »
Irish Prime Minister Bertie Stalked by Hairy Students
Hirsute stalkers are driving the Taoiseach spare! God, I love living in a democracy! I really do! I do! I really do! ... Ciao, Ceaucescu! Ciao, Ceaucescu! Ciao, Ceaucescu! - Blues for Ceaucescu by The Fatima Mansions Taoiseach Bertie humourless (Irish Prime Minister) says that hairy student types 'who haven't seen the inside of a college for 20 years' are following his every move! Bertie can't go near a campus without getting mobbed by the hairies. Yesterday in the Dail (parliament) he revealed his consternation about the furry gang. And he reckons they're in the employ of Socialist Party TD (member of parliament) Joe Higgins too. Bertie reckons that Joe H has 'hordes of students at his beck and call to be dispatched to any university anywhere, anytime'. This was on the back of a occurrence earlier this week, when Justice Minister Michael McDowell was heckled by students at UCD....
Nipplegate: Our Predictive Talents Need Sharpening
Blather almost predicts SuperBowl fiasco and nipples of mass descruction... fails miserably. Y'know, at Blather HQ, we really need to sharpen up our predictive skills. On January 12th, we ran a story about ONE of Britneys breasts mysteriously appearing at mundane religious site across Ireland. Then young Janet Jackson, the brazen hussey, decided to let one swing out during the SuperBowl, bringing the entire American Empire to its knees in fear, loathing and confusion. So we got the location and the singer wrong, but at least we tried. Can anyone explain why the SuperBowl is called the SuperBowl, when it's actually referring to am american football match, and not bowling, boules, or cricket? People, it's a BREAST. Deal with it.
Spammers Find New Market in Female Surfers
Just when you hoped that penis-enlargement spams were on the wane, a whole new idea arrives... vaginal enlargement! The Society of Pron Affiliate Merchants (SPAM) today announced a new campaign, aimed at convincing women to opt for vaginal enlargement. "We felt it was time to move on", said Pontious Fark of DickBig Marketing, based in Palo Alto, California, and president of SPAM. "Our 'Add Inches To Your Penis' campaign was like, a total success. We've realised that the market has topped out, and that none of these 30 million dudes really want to increase their penis size to 30". They're just happy with the 18" that they've got." Fark has outlined a new idea, sure to take email users by storm. "We figure that with all these big-dick guys around, there's now lots of horny ladies who can't accommodate our happy customers. So we're putting our new marketing campaign to...
Blather Recalcitrant
Preventing prechxmature ejacxabulation 24 hoors a daye! Busaras, head honcho over on p45rant.com received a spam with the subject line "blather recalcitrant" He asks; 'Blather... is there something you would like to share with us?' The only muzkltiple orgkdasm supplement for men! Have amazing sermx up to 20 times per day. Prevent prechxmature ejacxabulation. Maintain harder, stronger erebvctions for hours. Multiple orgaawwrms with NO ereaiction loss. 100% Safe To Take, With NO Side Effects Fast Priority USPS Shipping WorldWide Doctpsjor Appjproved And Recommended Do we really need to explain ourselves? Seems self-explanathoraxy.
The Third Policeman’s Sauna?
I was re-reading Flann O'Brien's The Third Policeman all week. All of a sudden, police stations get weird... In County Tyrone, on Wednesday Jan 7th, a fire broke out in the sauna (eh?) of a police station, after hot coals set a wooden bench alight. The building, in Strabane, was evacuated, no one was injured,and the police put the fire out before the Fire Brigade arrived. Strabane, of course, was Flann O'Brien's home town. But a sauna. In a police station? Now we're told that Pearse St. Garda Station in Dublin has a sauna. Jesus, the last time I was in there (long story), they barely had chairs... BBC News » Then, on Sunday, Jan 11th, a Garda station was struck by lightning at Farnanes, Co Cork. The station was destroyed, but Sgt Pat Meaney and Garda Brian Hegarty had just finished their shift and had left the building. The...
Britney’s Breasts: Mysterious Breast Appears At Ireland’s Catholic Grottos
Thousands of pilgrims make now rushing way to grottos around Ireland. Moving statues, virgin marys - we're used to them. But Britney's breast? By Special Corredespondents Damien & daev A recent appeal on the Blather website requested readers, blatherskites and stalkers to furnish us with anecdotes or apocrypha data concerning the mass hysteria about 'moving statues' which gripped the island of Eire during the early to mid 1980s. As is detailed in the appeal, great hordes of us Paddys seem to have undergone simultaneous hallucinations. Our appeal asked for details from witnesses. We've had some interesting correspondence on the matter, but none were half as startling as the bizarre reports that oozed into our in-tray this morning.They concerned completely unsubstantiated sightings of Britneys Spears' left breast. The mammarian apparition has been (according to the jungle drums) seen in holy grottos in Co. Longford and Co. Laois and (even more surprisingly)...