Year: 2005

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Blather is pleased to announce to the world (through this olde-time medieval Shitegeist shite-brown smoke signal "emission") that we have a new Lame Duck!!! The Pope. Previously employed as a windbag, he is now taking over the position of Lame Duck, and will take the name Quackzinger, the patron saint of Anas Cripplus, Lame Ducks. The job involves floating around your own pond, ignoring the rest of the world, and going "Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack." Blather phoned Quackzinger for a quote, and he gave us a lengthy speech, which we will not reproduce here as it was all irrelevant (see paragraph above). Following up...

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Ok. So he didn't get the World Bank job and he hasn't managed to get those debts relieved. He's climbed the highest mountain and walked through the sea. So, now, how about a shot at the Papacy? Well, let's take a look at his C.V., shall we? Grand. Lead singer of the 'biggest band on the planet'. Tireless campaigner for third-world debt relief. Pain in George Bush's ass. Natty choice in clothes. All round decent bloke. But to help you decide, we put together this list of the top five reasons why it would be unspeakably cool if Bono was the Pope. 1. He can actually sing and would bring a touch of class to those dull Latin hymns. Throw in a snarling guitar lick, sampled Russian rifle discharge for a drum track, and Monkhouse is yer uncle. 2. He'd be the first Pope in a millenium who would actually...

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Just when we thought things couldn't get any weirder than they were (silver hammers across the head?), it appears that readers of The Davinci Sham, sorry Code, have been recieving spectral visits from the recently departed Pontiff... Dan Brown must consider himself a lucky man. Despite having flagrantly lifted all of the material for the Davinci Code from the work of other writers and historians and possesing the writing ability of a dead, dyslexic Donkey he has sold an almost unimaginable amount of books, and then has the sheer neck to claim that 'All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate'. Right. Well, now it would appear that readers of the squillion-selling Davinci Code are being visited by the spectral form of none other than the late Pontiff John Paul II. And the Big man is after Brown himself. Says Margorie Chunk, from New...

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Blather brings you the story of Pope Joan. That's right - Joan. A woman. As in a bipedal creature with breasts and the ability to give birth. The opposite of a man. Like that thing in the picture... Pope Joan / Pope John VIII is said to have held the Pontificate from A. D. 853-855 - a mere two years. Everything was going swimmingly until one fine day in 855 whilst riding on horseback from St. Peter's to the Lateran, the Pope's retinue were slightly surprised when the Holy One asked to pull over to the side of the road because he was in some discomfort. I imagine that they were somewhat even more surprised to find that the Pontiff had not stopped for a whizz, but rather to give birth to a large bouncing baby. Oh yes. Dan Brown is a filthy talentless hack. Oh sorry: I've wandered off...

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As JP2 shuffles off the mortal coil, the hype has started to build. Who will be the next Pope? We have a few ideas... And they're off! Paddy Powers have posted their odds for the next man (well, it's somewhat unlikely to be a woman...) to emerge from the white smoke as the new leader of planet Earth's 1.1 billion Catholics. When the white smoke clears, we expect to be confronted by a gay, sub-Saharan African, Guardian reading, tofu eating, condom dispensing, straight-talking pragmatist who will usher in a new era of understanding and frank dialogue with leaders from the Islamic world. Not, we repeat not some fossilised, European bureaucrat whose idea of progress is to wear shades and whose agenda will involve going out of his way to ensure medieval ignorance surrounding aids, birth control, abortion and homosexuality and whose first Papal act will be to order Dan Brown...

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Shock and dismay as the man of steel flounces off in a huff. "Enough is fuc*ing enough" says Kryptonian underpant lover... In a move reminicscent of Ireland's own superhero Roy Keane, Superman, the Kryptonian prince has shocked and amazed good earth folk everywhere by refusing to rescue a six year old cat called 'Tootles' from a tree in downtown New York, late last night. In an incident that Cristiano Fordor Mondeo, the Mayor of New York described as a 'staggering outburst', the Man of Steel is reported to have snapped when called upon to rescue the wayward feline by pensioner Flo Krabapple, of Lee Avenue, Queens and said 'What do I look like to you? A f**king boy-scout? Do I look like Orlando Bloom do I? Ha? Bitch?' It appears that he of the outside-underpants was enjoying an evening stroll when he was approached by the zimmer-framed septugenarian. She is...

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Last month's 'mutha' of all rows about single mothers led us to do some filthy hack work of our own. And did we what? Blather.net now presents its' groundbreaking investigative report. Warning: some readers may find the contents of this report forcing them to burn Swatstikas into their foreheads.. Please note: This article is best enjoyed when accompanied by triumphal political music. You can hear some by clicking here » It's not often that we here at Blather own up to being wrong. In fact if you replaced the words 'not often' with the word 'never', you might be getting closer to the truth of the matter. We always suspected that the day would come. And lo, it has arrived. Steaming into the Blather station with the grim solmenity of a juggernaut full of chemical waste and about as welcome as a pin-prick in a durex, we found ourselves this...

Blather
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'Outrageous and absurd' says Dublin Professor of History, Dr. Hummus Fitzgerald... Priceless historical documents, recently discovered in an ancient Cork family household, are shedding invaluble light on the later part of 18th century Ireland - the turbulent historical period which included the 1798 rebellion. The documents were discovered by chance, after a recent renovation project of the ancestral DeBarra home in north-west Cork. The find included letters, Last Wills and Testaments, legal documents and an early draft of the American Constitution. One of the documents included sensational revelations that a Corkman actually made it through just slightly over three hours without mentioning the word 'Cork'. Although the document has not been made available for public study yet, our contacts at Univeristy College Cork inform us that the document is a detailed description of events in 1798, during the violent rebellion and it's supression by the nefarious, moustache-twirling jackbooted scum of...

Blather
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Stateside report from our man in New York, Alex DeJong At some point in time, we have all committed some sort of fashion folly. I can vividly remember being in fourth grade wearing a pair of zebra striped MC Hammer pants, a neon pink shirt, and air-pump high tops. This was all accompanied by my in vogue hairstyle: a six inch long mullet along with lightning shaped stripes shaved into the sides of my very much confused head. Nevertheless, I strutted out like a proud peacock, ready to knock the socks off my fifth grade female classmates. Life was good then and if I could do it again, I would. Of course I knew my father, a Coast Guard executive officer, was not very keen on my new faddy fashion. He would keep his nose in the newspaper and whisper to himself, “not from my side.” Nor do I remember...

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Sent in from our western correspondent' (a.k.a. Sue) There have been many incredible developments in the rain swept west this week. Such excitement! The Wheelie Bins of Change can be heard rumbling through Tuam, as the town embraces the Age of Technology'? The Tuam Herald reports that 15,000 bins have been implanted with 'hi-tech' chips, allowing a satellite to track the weight of its contents. According to Wheelie Environmental Refuse Services (WERS), this will give more control over the cost of refuse disposal. But to whom - the people, or the authorities? Right, at the danger of falling prey to insane conspiracy theories - is Galway County Council now spying on the waste habits of Tuamanians? Will the fair inhabitants of Tuam be next for implanting of these 'hi-tech' chips? How much easier it will be to keep Tuam clean when everyone can be programmed to do so! On a...