Year: 2010

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Irish political balls on display (Library of Congress, Creative Commons License) Traumatised Irish members of parliament suffering from emotional exhaustion arising from their efforts at hiding cleaning up the god forsaken mess that is the Potato Republic, today struggled to remain awake in the Dáil chamber (Parliament) while they voted for a extended summer recess. In an unprecedented display of national heroism, deputies (members of parliament) overcame their political differences in order to agree on a return date for the end of September, 2010, leaving themselves little more then three whole months holiday. "We know its an extra two whole weeks more then we usually get, but then, after the year we've had...we feel that its duly deserved", said Gobnait O'Slurry, Government Chief Whippet and TD for South Co. Cringe. "Youse meeja types are always on our backs over our holidays, but this year we're actually saving money". "By not...

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The French football team, yesterday I've lost count at this stage of the number of people who have said to me that they suppose the miserable, farcical performance of Les Blues in the World Cup 2010 must be some sort of solace, or cause to put a smile on my face. After all, they observe with a wry wink and a gallic 'oh hoh hooooooh!', we Irish would be there only for the scandalously cheating Thierry Henry and his band of frog-leg chomping, Gauloise-chewing, tantrum-throwing twats. Sorry. But no. It doesn't cheer me up. In fact it pisses me off so much I could tear my eyeballs out of my skull and dance on them every time I see a Frenchman on TV. For two reasons: 1. What a waste of a World Cup place. I mean for anyone. For any team. To see such a pathetic, miserable limp-wristed display...

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(President Obama, yesterday. Image by Stan, used under a CC licence) Furious at the perceived lack of action on the part of the President and his White House administration, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska called for the President to 'get his tights on, fly down there and swallow the leak up' before the damage becomes too much to repair. "The fundamental problem at the core of this crisis is a lack of responsibility," she wrote in a Facebook note. "There's a culture of buck-passing at the heart of this administration that has caused the tragedy of a sunken oil rig to turn into a potential disaster. Is the President aware of what's happening down there?" she asked. "How long before he flies down there and sorts this unholy mess out?" Rand Paul also added: "I tell you now, were it me in that White House, I'd have flown...

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Bono in hospital yesterday Bono, the lead singer with Irish rock band U2, has been temporarily hospitalised whilst he has unpaid back-taxes surgically extracted from what has been described by medical experts as 'one seriously tight arse'. The singer is following medical advice to cancel forthcoming performances after undergoing emergency surgery for severe compression of an offshore bank account. The injury occurred during rehearsals for their world tour last Friday when five euro notes started firing out of the singer's arse like a malfunctioning cash-machine during a performance of 'Even Better Than The Real Thing'. The band then cancelled a series of live shows while the 50-year-old singer recovered on a giant bed of cash. Surgeons at the Sisters of Our Lady of Blessed Charity/Irish Department of Income Tax stated that following seven hours of exploratory procedures by a team of crack surgeons and income tax officials, that they 'still...

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A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House (image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License) TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians. The 27 TDs from across the political divide brought their proceedings against the Department of Orifices, Environment and the Bleeding Obvious, for an order forcing them to comply last year. They also argued that the dung catchers were in themselves dangerous and could result in politicians slipping on 'yellow scuttery balls of their own shite'. The departmental defence team denied all such claims. It also told the court there are some 15km (10 miles)...

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An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces. Members of the mob were visibly shocked to find their coup attempt thwarted by such ingenuity. "It's not a coincidence. We were set up. The cops were waiting for us", said a frustrated Mr. Pinko, a hastily appointed spokesperson for the so called New Coddle Army, the organisation claiming responsibility for holding the demonstration. " I mean I don't THINK we got set up, I KNOW we got set up! I mean,...

Blather
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The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled. The tests, which were shrouded in secrecy, have been described by a number of commentators as "total hypocrisy" and "a cynical act by Ireland to force itself onto the UN Security Council", following recent statements made by Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheal Martin, in which he said that "To insist on the urgency of non-proliferation while downplaying the importance of disarmament -- an a la...

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Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944 After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister. Long assumed to be of Anglo Saxon origin, the name Clegg actually comes from Ireland: O'Cleggín, from the ancient Irish sept, the Uí Clegganachta: traditionally liberal enemies of the Scottish Uí Bruin (Browns) and the Clan MacCameron. Legend has it that the Clegganachta used to wear nothing under their kilts heading into battle, a time honoured tradition of being eternally ready to lash one into any bit of skirt that happened to be passing. Their propensity for sudden annexation of ancient seats of power from out of left-field led to the nickname 'The Slibhín...

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Protests outside Dail Eireann this morning over UK case against the Irish state The British Government's Business Secretary, Lord Voldemort, today announced that he had "no choice" other than to take the Irish government to court for their "blatant and shameless copyright violation" of the UK copyright bill, the Digital Economy Act. Voldemort also branded the Irish Justice Minister, Dermot Ahern, "a ridiculous leprechaun". In a move which shocked the technology industry and markets today, the UK government made good on its recent promise to aggressively pursue illegal file-sharers and copyright infringers, by slapping a £30 billion lawsuit on the Irish Government for what it called "the Irish Government's shameless copyright violation" of the UK's Digital Economy Act. "This has gone on long enough" fumed Lord Voldemort at a Whitehall press-conference this morning. 'These bastards have been violating our copyright since the early 1920s.' he raged at gathered journalists. "Every...

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Catholic priests are not the 'sexual predators' that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the 'victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy' to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into 'a state of disrepute and disgrace', according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests. Allegations Speaking before a press conference in the Vatican this morning, Cardinal Von Graspenpantzen, Chief Spokesman of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said that he believed he knew exactly who was behind the recent allegations of mass child-rape levelled at the Catholic church. '"An extensive Vatican investigation of itself has finally brought to light who precisely is responsible for these scurrilous accusations", said Graspenpantzen. "As previously stated, the Vatican has already established that Satan, who is currently at work in the Vatican, has...