Year: 2010

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'Hello? Anyone there?' (image by Comrade S) Dave McScrote, a Dublin 'street comedian' spent several hours abusing passing randomers in Grafton St. yesterday in the hope that his cutting remarks would paper over the fact that he has no original material worth mentioning. 'Ah yeah' said Liam O'Slope, a homeless, toothless crack-addict who we found rummaging in a nearby skip, 'he was hurling abuse at anyone that passed. Standing there with his guitar and just insulting people for the hell of it. Funny? He was about as funny as the scabs on my hole'. Further reports from onlookers claim that McScrote called an elderly lady 'a right owl wagon', a drooling wheelchair-bound teenager 'a filthy spaz' and a recently-bereaved widower 'a miserable po-faced owl shite'. Several minutes later McScrote is alleged to have spent almost ten minutes pointing and laughing at homeless people, shortly before offering his tweed hat to...

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(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday) House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'. As previously reported, Republican nerves have been shredding this last week, with GOPers tabling a bill urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. And, it would seem, their patience has finally worn thin. Democrats were said to be elated after the 'landmark' breakthrough and hailed President Obama's strategy of boring the opposition into cracking. 'It was a long haul' said one Democratic insider who spoke on condition of anonymity, 'but it's been hugely successful in the end.' 'The President set out a clear plan' he said, 'simply talk and talk and talk about healthcare until even the most...

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House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken. Furious across-the-floor negotiations began with Dems demanding that the motion be withdrawn; Republicans seemed wiling to move on the brand of beer but insisted that the President would not be allowed to smoke, due to fire and safety regulations. However Republicans were quick to rubbish suggestions that they had only brought the motion before the house after deciding not to pursue another much harsher proposal: that Obama should perform backflips down Pennsylvania Avenue whilst barking...

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(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license) House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'. 'He just rambles on and on' he said, 'speaking in five-word statements, with five-second pauses between the statements with occasional 'uh's and 'ah's which drag on for a God-damned eternity while we sit there getting ass-cramp. I'm serious - another one of those meetings and I'll throw myself off a God-damned bridge.' Other GOPers were keen to add their voice to the issue with Senator Michelle Buckfast (R. Iowa) saying that the President's 'interminable monologues'...

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(photo by Bayer NYC, used under a Creative Commons license) A prominent techno-diva with a penchant for dressing-up like a mentally ill chimp that's been kicked through the BBC costume department, changed outfit in excess of thirty times during a live concert last night, in order to divert attention away from the fact that her music is bland, anodyne, sub-Britney knobcheese. Lady Gagbag (nee Luralee Hicks) worked her way through a dizzying array of costume and jewellery changes during a ninety-minute set at the Painfully Cool New York Music Event That You Weren't At last night, showcasing costumes which onlookers described as ranging from 'witty and provocative' to 'full-blown cheap, nasty skank'. Starting out with a crystal-encrusted thong and bra ensemble, Gagbag swiftly changed into a crotchless F-16 pilot's fatigues only to appear five minutes later in a late nineteenth century deep-sea diving suit with blinged-out locking clasps. A couple...

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(image by Penningtron, used under a Creative Commons license) The revelation that nefarious, top secret plans for global domination were left on a London Underground train is the latest in a string of recent embarrassments over data security lapses for the Illuminati. In November of last year, it was disclosed that more than 1,000 Illuminati computers and laptops had been lost or stolen in recent years. The Ministry of Insidious Mind-Control was the worst offender, with 503 laptops or PCs missing in the past decade, with the Ministry of Staring Into the Great Inky Abyss Whilst We Await The Arrival Of The Dark Lord a close second with an alleged loss of 323 laptops and memory cards containing sensitive data. On January 19 this year, it emerged that a 33rd Degree Grand Master's laptop containing the details of 600,000 unwilling corporate shills and indentured wage-slaves had been stolen. The computer...

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(image by tm lv, used under a Creative Commons license) Organisers of the first major conference dedicated to climate-change scepticism have announced that the Easter Bunny will be delivering the key-note speech on April 1st this year. In what's being seen as something of a coup for the climate-change sceptics movement, organisers of this first international conference in the discipline have confirmed the appearance of the Easter Bunny. This announcement comes hot on the heels of last week's much-hyped confirmations that Santa Claus, several tooth-fairies and representatives of the Leprechaun community would also be attending the high-profile event. The climate-change sceptic party (often referred to as 'Geebag party') released this statement from the Easter Bunny in which he outlines his reasons for addressing the conference. "Early in April I'll head to Cork, where I'll have the honor of speaking with members of the Geebagger movement. I look forward to meeting...

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George Lee T.D., pictured during his resignation rant in the Dail Eireann canteen at 11am yesterday Scandal and screaming in Dail Eireann as TD George Lee peppers the chamber door with assorted toys fired from an armoured pram. Fine Gael TD George Lee resigned from the Dail in spectacular fashion yesterday morning, when upon finding himself sitting alone in the Dail canteen for the ninth working day in a row (as fellow FGers sat together at the 'cool kids' table), Lee is reported to have flung his food tray at the wall, stamped his feet and launched into a volley of abuse which lasted fully thirty minutes. The tirade is reported to have resulted in his leaving both the FG party and the Dail itself. Mr. Lee is also reported to have been barred from the Dail canteen with Gubnait O'Hoop, catering manager for the Dail quoted as saying, 'we...

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In May of 2010, Blather.net will be thirteen years old. That's thirteen. Puberty, ladies and spambots, is imminent and the wearing of short trousers will no longer be tolerated. In light of this disturbing turn of events (and the increasingly litigious, cut-throat monitoring of general web-activities by THEM), we have felt it necessary to update our Terms and Conditions to reflect this momentous period of change. Putting the shit back in the cow 1. Blogs: Blather.net is not 'a blog'. Anyone referring to us as a 'a blog' will find themselves on the business end of a law-suit that will make them wish they had never been born. We're serious. Don't even try it. Ipso facto - we are not bloggers. We are learned scholars, hewn from the literary granite of the green island of Ireland. Blather.net was publishing extensive treatises on all manner of carry on (first on vellum,...

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Via Roighters: The Irish government today announced that it would immediately align itself with Venezuelan president Victor Chavez in blaming the United States for Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet, in particular the recent 'cold' weather in Ireland In a surprise briefing to reporters on the steps of Leinster House, Taoiseach Brian Cowen grimaced into the cold February wind, before launching into a tirade against the current US administration. "Now in fairness, I think it's a bit of coincidence how the winters have suddenly gotten colder since Mr Osama took over in the White House", said Mr Cowen. "It was bad enough that we had all those desperate wet summers that Bush man was in charge, but this, quite frankly, is taking the mickey". "Anyone", he added, "only needs to take a read of what they're saying over on blather.net to understand the long and the...