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Dear Harold, My thanks for your kind letter of Thursday and the commemorative Lough Ness Monster key-ring and t-shirt you enclosed within. I shall, as per my manifesto promise, try to respond to all concerns brought to me by concerned citizens such as yourself. Election Day looms before me like the Grim Reaper on coke, but I shall, ever the public servant, try to address the many issues you raise in your letter. First, allow me to address, head on, the central request of your missive - that the Irish government fund a €3 billion project to scan, scour and...

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Dear Scutzer, Many thanks for your very interesting letter which I received last week. It did however take several attempts on behalf of some of my staff to decipher the more unusual idiosyncrasies of your turn of phrase; so you will have to forgive me if I cannot address all your points in their entirety. In a time of historical and political firsts, your correspondence holds a special place in my heart as representing the first physical letter I have ever received that was a) so elegantly expressed in text speak and b) written on the back of a social...

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Dear Conor, Many thanks for your letter of last week. The election seems to be going right down to the wire, yet, as promised, I shall endeavour to reply to all correspondence from concerned citizens such as yourself. That said, I fear that you may find yourself disappointed with many of my replies to your letter. I simply fear that were I to 'conscript myself' to you and your organisations' requests and agenda, that Ireland may find itself in a situation even more precarious than the one that faces it now. I politely suggest that turning the country into a...

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Dear Nuala, Many thanks you for your very detailed letter, the knitted scarf, the scone with a currant resembling Our Lady, the portion of holy water from your trip to Medjugorje in 1986 and most of all, for the beautiful medal of St. Gobshine, minted especially for the millennium. I need all the help I can get in this election, particularly when it comes to answering the increasing volume of correspondence I now receive from concerned citizens groups such as yourselves and your Brie Party. I can't say that I have come across your group before now; but in relation...

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Dear Jim, thank you for taking the time to correspond with me in this busy run-up to the General Election. I haven't slept in 72 hours, washed for 48 or eaten anything beyond some salted cashew nuts in the last 36 but, as per my manifesto promise, I am committed to answering each and every concern which my potential constituents bring to me, so that together we may build a better Ireland. I welcome the many points which you made in your 62-page letter/2 GB e-mail and 37 minute podcast. I shall attempt to address some of the most pressing...

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THE NEW missal for use at Mass from next November is 'sexist, archaic, elitist and obscure', according to the Association of Catholic Priests, an internal organisation which represents the exclusively male members of an obscure, sexist, archaic institution more commonly known as the Catholic Church. It has called on the Irish Catholic Bishops Conference not to introduce the third edition of The Roman Missal until it has consulted with priests and the laity, half of which are officially deemed unfit and unable to be office holders in the organisations hierarchy. Down with this sort of thing Thousands of changes have...

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Cementgate: Besieged Irish politicians are breathing a sigh of relief following their lucky escape from the clutches of a would-be suicide bomber early this morning. In a startling incident, a cement truck was driven straight at the gates of Leinster House (the Irish Parliament). It was only by a miracle, that the wrought iron gates managed to impede the trucks entry, thereby saving the parliament from certain construction destruction. Shocked politicians, some of which had not even made it into work yet, spoke of the unfolding horror. One Dail member, Fergus O'Loud, said that it was 'his understanding' that a...

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Irish TDs (members of parliament) moved this morning to distance themselves from the latest scandal involving alcohol to hit Leinster House (The Irish Parliamentary Building). In a bizarre incident, police officers were called to the Dail at 1am last night, following reports of a solitary TD working late in his office. According to reports from the cleaning staff, the TD concerned had apparently been there since 3pm the previous afternoon, studying the latest financial watchdog's report into the ongoing criminal waste of taxpayers money by the Irish government. "We figured that was a bit strange all right", said one staff...

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Hot on the heels of the much-lauded ruling from a district judge who sentenced an Irish man to a pilgrimage up the side of Croagh Patrick for swearing at a member of the Gardai (the Irish police service) calls have been made by senior members of the judiciary to move quickly to impose 'Ave Maria law', which would see a dramatic increase in secular crimes being punished with overtly Catholic sentences. Initial reports given to the Blather offices suggested that the Irish judicial system was to be temporarily reworked in honour of papal visit to Britain. For one week only,...

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'When votes are tight and hard to get And your currency has also ran, When all you have is a heap of debt - A pint of plain, is your only man'* More Cowen absolutely, positively not drunk during interview on radio Image Photo from Talk News Media used under a CC licence *with apologies to Flann. Forgive us.