Judge forces Dáil members to don ‘diapers’
A Dáil member having a smoke break outside Leinster House (image from Cristian.torras used under a Creative Commons License) TWENTY-SEVEN Irish TDs (members of parliament) have lost their High Court challenge to a controversial new Health & Safety regulation which requires politicians to wear 'dung catchers' suspended from their ears. Mr Justice Liam 'No Shit' Sherlock ruled that the incoming regulations were essential in order to manage the increasing amounts of bullshit emanating from Irish politicians. The 27 TDs from across the political divide brought their proceedings against the Department of Orifices, Environment and the Bleeding Obvious, for an order...
Dublin Protest: Worst. Coup. Ever.
An attempt to storm the Irish parliament building last night came to a swift and sudden end following some quick thinking by the Gardaí (Irish Police) on duty outside its gate. Faced with a baying mob of about 100 people who broke away from a slightly larger demonstration, about 12 of Templemore's finest successfully defended the seat of Irish power (alongside their sudoku puzzles and cups of cappuccinos) by ingeniously shutting the gates in the rebel scum's faces. Members of the mob were visibly shocked to find their coup attempt thwarted by such ingenuity. "It's not a coincidence. We were...
North Clare Tests Nuclear Weapons
The Irish Defence Forces late Thursday night carried out a controversial nuclear weapons test below the Cliffs of Moher, as part of a major national project to secure a strong deterrent, in light of recent posturing by Iran, the United States and the United Kingdom. The controversial explosion, which occurred at 10.24pm Thursday night at a depth of 4.4 kilometres below the cliffs, caused a magnitude 2.7 earthquake that caused outrage amongst drinkers in Doolin and Liscannor, after an undisclosed number of pints were spilled. The tests, which were shrouded in secrecy, have been described by a number of commentators...
The Truth About Nick Clegg’s Nazi Roots
Obersturmführer Nicholas 'Schifti Schnitzi' Panzerclegg, Berlin 1944 After several days of furious sifting through reams of parchment, annals and dusty tomes in the underground sewer that doubles as the bibliotheca blatherum, our must-infested minions have revealed some startling home truths about the true history of Nick Clegg, current pretender to the throne of British* Prime Minister. Long assumed to be of Anglo Saxon origin, the name Clegg actually comes from Ireland: O'CleggÃn, from the ancient Irish sept, the Uà Clegganachta: traditionally liberal enemies of the Scottish Uà Bruin (Browns) and the Clan MacCameron. Legend has it that the Clegganachta used...
UK Sues Ireland For Copyright Infringement Of Copyright Infringement Bill
Protests outside Dail Eireann this morning over UK case against the Irish state The British Government's Business Secretary, Lord Voldemort, today announced that he had "no choice" other than to take the Irish government to court for their "blatant and shameless copyright violation" of the UK copyright bill, the Digital Economy Act. Voldemort also branded the Irish Justice Minister, Dermot Ahern, "a ridiculous leprechaun". In a move which shocked the technology industry and markets today, the UK government made good on its recent promise to aggressively pursue illegal file-sharers and copyright infringers, by slapping a £30 billion lawsuit on the...
Kids ‘Too Damn Sexy’ Says Catholic Church
Catholic priests are not the 'sexual predators' that they are being portrayed as in the press, but are in fact the 'victims of a vast homosexual right-wing conspiracy' to bring the Holy Roman Catholic church into 'a state of disrepute and disgrace', according to Cardinal Conal Colmcille Grupenfuhrer Von Graspenpantzen, speaking today in a wide-ranging defence of the day-to-day sexual activities of Catholic priests. Allegations Speaking before a press conference in the Vatican this morning, Cardinal Von Graspenpantzen, Chief Spokesman of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said that he believed he knew exactly who was behind the...
Street Comedian Makes Up For Lack Of Material By Abusing Passing Randomers
'Hello? Anyone there?' (image by Comrade S) Dave McScrote, a Dublin 'street comedian' spent several hours abusing passing randomers in Grafton St. yesterday in the hope that his cutting remarks would paper over the fact that he has no original material worth mentioning. 'Ah yeah' said Liam O'Slope, a homeless, toothless crack-addict who we found rummaging in a nearby skip, 'he was hurling abuse at anyone that passed. Standing there with his guitar and just insulting people for the hell of it. Funny? He was about as funny as the scabs on my hole'. Further reports from onlookers claim that...
Healthcare Reform To Pass As Obama Bores Republicans Into Submission
(President Obama addressing Congress yesterday) House Republicans, at their collective wits end after another nine-hour Healthcare borefest in the senate, finally cracked and in a heated floor exchange stated that they were considering mass-suicide and asked the President to 'just give us the God-damned thing so we can sign it'. As previously reported, Republican nerves have been shredding this last week, with GOPers tabling a bill urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. And, it would seem, their patience has finally worn thin. Democrats were said to be elated after the 'landmark' breakthrough and hailed President Obama's strategy...
Healthcare: Republicans Demand Obama Pats Head And Rubs Stomach Whilst Burping State Of The Union
House Republicans putting proposals to President Obama yesterday In a dramatic move, house Republicans demanded that in order to agree to talk about healthcare reform again, President Obama would have to deliver his next State of the Union hopping on one foot whilst rubbing his tummy and patting his head. Furthermore the President would be required to belch his way through the ninety minute speech; aided by Vice-President Joe Biden and a keg of Heineken. Furious across-the-floor negotiations began with Dems demanding that the motion be withdrawn; Republicans seemed wiling to move on the brand of beer but insisted that...
Republicans Table Bill Asking President Obama To ‘Get To The Fucking Point’
(image from Obama Flickr stream, used under a Creative Commons license) House Republicans, frustrated at having been lectured at length by the President on three separate occasions in recent months, have tabled a motion in the senate urging the President to 'get to the fucking point'. Senator Chuck Gibble (R. Arkansas) told reporters that he and his GOP colleagues had tabled the motion because they 'simply couldn't stand another one of those God-damned six-hour meetings'. 'He just rambles on and on' he said, 'speaking in five-word statements, with five-second pauses between the statements with occasional 'uh's and 'ah's which drag...