Month: April 2005

2015 views

Small men. Green pants. Handycams and a pot of 2000 euro. You just can’t make this stuff up... So there I am, sitting staring at an e-mail in my inbox. It would seem that I’m being offered a part in a porn movie, which will pay 2000 euro, for one and a half hour’s ‘work’. Looking closer at the email, I see the company is called ‘Lepreporn’. How did this all come about? Audition Some weeks back I received a call from my agent, telling me I’ve been successful in an audition for a part in a TV film. This was on one condition, that I have a full driving license. The part was too good to pass, so I told them I would have it on time for filming. I haven’t been driving for years, and as I originally learnt in a rusty 25 year old truck, this was...

1144 views

Think you know about music? Do ya? Well, Summer 2005 is going to be wet! We suppose you’ve been hearing that Grime is going to be the lifestyle, music and culture of summer 2005? Forget that. Now. A new music scene has erupted. Drool. Celebrities in the fashionable districts of fashionable cities (London, Oslo, Kilkenny) are beginning to identify themselves with this shocking new trend (see picture!).   Here's an MP3 of some Drool for you to listen to: an excerpt from Droolin' To Tha Wetbeat by DJ Bibs (MP3 629kb). Unfortunately this MP3 won’t give you a full taste of the lower frequencies of this music. But listened to in the right places with the right equipment, you would be simply reduced to a state of drooling. The kids are congregating in clubs to listen and drool together. And it’s for the girls as well as the boys: until...

763 views

Blather is pleased to announce to the world (through this olde-time medieval Shitegeist shite-brown smoke signal "emission") that we have a new Lame Duck!!! The Pope. Previously employed as a windbag, he is now taking over the position of Lame Duck, and will take the name Quackzinger, the patron saint of Anas Cripplus, Lame Ducks. The job involves floating around your own pond, ignoring the rest of the world, and going "Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack." Blather phoned Quackzinger for a quote, and he gave us a lengthy speech, which we will not reproduce here as it was all irrelevant (see paragraph above). Following up...

604 views

Ok. So he didn't get the World Bank job and he hasn't managed to get those debts relieved. He's climbed the highest mountain and walked through the sea. So, now, how about a shot at the Papacy? Well, let's take a look at his C.V., shall we? Grand. Lead singer of the 'biggest band on the planet'. Tireless campaigner for third-world debt relief. Pain in George Bush's ass. Natty choice in clothes. All round decent bloke. But to help you decide, we put together this list of the top five reasons why it would be unspeakably cool if Bono was the Pope. 1. He can actually sing and would bring a touch of class to those dull Latin hymns. Throw in a snarling guitar lick, sampled Russian rifle discharge for a drum track, and Monkhouse is yer uncle. 2. He'd be the first Pope in a millenium who would actually...

851 views

Just when we thought things couldn't get any weirder than they were (silver hammers across the head?), it appears that readers of The Davinci Sham, sorry Code, have been recieving spectral visits from the recently departed Pontiff... Dan Brown must consider himself a lucky man. Despite having flagrantly lifted all of the material for the Davinci Code from the work of other writers and historians and possesing the writing ability of a dead, dyslexic Donkey he has sold an almost unimaginable amount of books, and then has the sheer neck to claim that 'All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate'. Right. Well, now it would appear that readers of the squillion-selling Davinci Code are being visited by the spectral form of none other than the late Pontiff John Paul II. And the Big man is after Brown himself. Says Margorie Chunk, from New...

928 views

Blather brings you the story of Pope Joan. That's right - Joan. A woman. As in a bipedal creature with breasts and the ability to give birth. The opposite of a man. Like that thing in the picture... Pope Joan / Pope John VIII is said to have held the Pontificate from A. D. 853-855 - a mere two years. Everything was going swimmingly until one fine day in 855 whilst riding on horseback from St. Peter's to the Lateran, the Pope's retinue were slightly surprised when the Holy One asked to pull over to the side of the road because he was in some discomfort. I imagine that they were somewhat even more surprised to find that the Pontiff had not stopped for a whizz, but rather to give birth to a large bouncing baby. Oh yes. Dan Brown is a filthy talentless hack. Oh sorry: I've wandered off...

988 views

As JP2 shuffles off the mortal coil, the hype has started to build. Who will be the next Pope? We have a few ideas... And they're off! Paddy Powers have posted their odds for the next man (well, it's somewhat unlikely to be a woman...) to emerge from the white smoke as the new leader of planet Earth's 1.1 billion Catholics. When the white smoke clears, we expect to be confronted by a gay, sub-Saharan African, Guardian reading, tofu eating, condom dispensing, straight-talking pragmatist who will usher in a new era of understanding and frank dialogue with leaders from the Islamic world. Not, we repeat not some fossilised, European bureaucrat whose idea of progress is to wear shades and whose agenda will involve going out of his way to ensure medieval ignorance surrounding aids, birth control, abortion and homosexuality and whose first Papal act will be to order Dan Brown...

721 views

Shock and dismay as the man of steel flounces off in a huff. "Enough is fuc*ing enough" says Kryptonian underpant lover... In a move reminicscent of Ireland's own superhero Roy Keane, Superman, the Kryptonian prince has shocked and amazed good earth folk everywhere by refusing to rescue a six year old cat called 'Tootles' from a tree in downtown New York, late last night. In an incident that Cristiano Fordor Mondeo, the Mayor of New York described as a 'staggering outburst', the Man of Steel is reported to have snapped when called upon to rescue the wayward feline by pensioner Flo Krabapple, of Lee Avenue, Queens and said 'What do I look like to you? A f**king boy-scout? Do I look like Orlando Bloom do I? Ha? Bitch?' It appears that he of the outside-underpants was enjoying an evening stroll when he was approached by the zimmer-framed septugenarian. She is...