Year: 2008
Blather Games Presents ‘Whore’
(image by Liquer Felix used under Creative Commons license) From the creators of the multi-billion dollar game franchise 'The Crims' and 'Crim City', comes the next stage in massively multiplayer online gaming - WHORE. Ten years in development, WHORE represents a sea-change in gaming experience where you assume the role of an all-seeing, all-knowing pimp-deity who controls the reproductive rights of a sexually miseducated teenage girl. WHORE's unique online community of user-created avatars can be shared and compared, allowing you to pitch your carefully nurtured high-class call girl against your fellow players' violent crack-ho. Log on The next evolution in gaming is upon us. From the mind of Count O'Blather, the creator of The Crims, comes WHORE, an epic journey that takes you from the origin and evolution of a nascent 'lady of the night' through the development of serious drug addiction and sexual slavery all the way to an...
Large Hadron Collider unleashes army of polite, chocolate-eating zombies
A mere two hours after the ignition of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva, a giant army of chocolate-eating zombies has reportedly swept across Switzerland and over the border from Basel into Germany where outbreaks of apologetic biting and collaborative law-making have been reported in cities from Munich to Hamburg. 'Toblerooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone' Further to the panic reported in the streets of Switzerland and Germany, French authorities have prepared themselves for the onslaught of toblerone-devouring yobs who may try to surge across the alps in a frenzied search for more nougaty goodness. Our man on the ground, award-winning celebrity stalker Fithy Hack, caught up with some of the army of the undead and asked them what gives. This is a fragment from his last transmission inside the quarantine zone: Hack: Excuse me, can you tell me what it is your looking for? Zombie: Vell, it's very simple. We want direct...
Blather Labs presents the ‘Mong-O-Matic’ Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser
Ladies! Are you going on holiday? Are you regularly away on business? Are you worried that during your absence your useless lump of a man will spend his time getting repeatedly muntered and horsing great bags of salted snacks down his already fattened gullet until you arrive home to discover a grossly overweight slug where your significant other used to be? Well, worry no more: Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser. From the eggheads that brought you 'Beanflickr 2.0', the Blather.net 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser is a revolutionary new device designed to limit the amount of skunk given out to the spliff-chomping waste of space that inhabits the divot in your living-room's bean-bag. The owner of the 'Mong-O-Matic' is the kind of woman who doesn't mind her man getting completely wankered on a Saturday morning and nuzzling himself into the great digital breasts of Grand Theft Auto 4...
The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty
Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh Can't decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty. Voting YES to Lisbon will mean the following: 1. Your first born-son will be automatically drafted in the Supra-National EuroArmy and immediately dispatched to a cave in Afghanistan to serve as a human sacrifice on Osama Bin Laden's Altar of Muslim Atrocity. 2. Your first-born daughter will be taken from you in the middle of the night, flown to a unknown location and forced to dance naked for the amusement of faceless, braying Eurocrats in a giant Bavarian burlesque show whilst being pelted with lumps of raw meat to the sound of 'O Fortuna'. 3. 10% of your taxes will...
Tim Westwood Horrified To Discover He’s Actually White
(image by Eric Hamilton.) Unconfirmed rumours came across the Blather desk this morning that bad-boy BBC Radio DJ Tim Westwood may have realised that he's actually white. All-round Blingmaster and Blather.net Correspondent Filthy Hack reports. Hack says: 'The alleged incident is reported to have occured in a late-night Soho club, just off Dean St. Eyewitnesses state that Westwood was 'avin' it large' in the (name withheld for legal reasons - ed.) club with several friends and assorted media students when Westwood's account of how he 'iz de man' and furthermore how he was 'bare cool, word to yo sista' was interrupted by a nearby native of Brixton, who puzzled by Westwood's behaviour is reported to have said 'Chief, you're whiter than flock of fuckin' sheep in a snowstorm' and that furthermore Westwood was 'nothing more than the modern equivalent of Smashie and Nicey'. Finally the man added that the DJ...
Presenting the ‘Blather Book Handling Service’
Thinking about ordering Blather.net's new book 'A Load of Blather' but don't know if you'll have the time to read it? Are you concerned that a tell-tale pristine copy will trash your cred with the kids? Worried your friends might think you only bought the book to have something bohemian and trendy lying around in the shitter? Fear ye not, for the makers of 'A Load of Blather' are proud to present the 'Blather Book Handling Service'. For a mere €159.99 (an hour) we'll dog-ear, tea-stain, underline and generally batter the crap out of the thing so that it looks like it's been used as a crude weapon during a vicious battle to the death at a UFO crash-site, when, let's face it, the closest you're ever likely to get to one is down the cinema at the new Indiana Jones flick. By the time we're done spending your money...
Snail Allegedly Prosecuted for Alleged Anti-Slimentologist Views
A snail has allegedly been scooped off the ground and arrested, allegedly, for allegedly expressing anti-Slimentologist views outside the London headquarters of the Church of Slimentology. Allegedly. Slimentologists were allegedly horrified to see a snail-trail on the pavement outside their building, which allegedly appeared to be English words drawn in slime. An alleged spokesman for the police told us that "the slime has been forwarded to the Crown Prosecution Service". But what were the alleged words of offence? We have received alleged reports that state that allegedly the alleged phrase was "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me", which allegedly outraged the alleged Church of alleged Slimentology, because, according to the alleged police spokesman, "snails don't have bones". Allegedly. Apart from raping and murdering a newborn baby and eating its brains with a plastic spoon, insulting Slimentology is the most serious crime in the...
The Assassination of Noam Chomsky: Which Flying Saucer Acted Alone?
No doubt you remember where you were when you heard about the shocking and horrible events of February 28. Feared academic, writer, rambler and digressionator, Noam Chomsky, was killed by a lone flying saucer in Antarctica, alongside his many lawyers. As is well known, Chomsky, the alleged author of The Art of Discreet Farting in Company, has powers of levitation, and he was hovering through Antarctica, along with his levitating conference table, around which were seated on levitating chairs his eleven lawyers, including Patricia "Libel Eyes" McInearnest and Diego "El Slandero" Jocacola. Chomsky was holding court, reminiscing fondly about his life's work, and was quoting from a piece he wrote in 1980 about the genocidal Cambodian Khmer Rouge regime: "The positive side of the picture has been virtually edited out." But Chomsky's ever-sunny outlook was soon to change. A flying saucer came in over the horizon, firing deadly laser beams,...
Frank Ward Dies on Ostrich Farm
Who could have known that the story of Ireland's Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's solicitors Frank Ward & Co. threatening politics.ie into silence would take this truly shocking twist? Frank Ward, the Senior Managing Partner (capital S, capital M, capital P) and Founder (capital F) of Frank Ward & Company, Solicitors (capital F, capital W, capital C, capital S) has been found dead following a horrific incident on his Kilkenny ostrich farm! Frank's Company (capital C) was Founded (with a capital F) in 1981 and represented Fianna Fail in the McCracken Tribunal and Flood Tribunal, and currently represents Fianna Fail in the Mahon Tribunal and the Moriarty Tribunal. Blather.net has been told all the details of his sad demise, and our hearts go out to his next of kin on this bitter evening. Apparently, Frank had been inspecting the on his ostrich farm, a rather gruelling task, and as it happened the...
The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP Drowns
It's not every day I read about someone in the news and the next thing they up and die in the most bizarre fashion! The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP, Home Secretary (what the British in typical obscurantist fashion call their minister for justice) died tragically this evening in a pet shop in London. The politician was born 3 November 1962 in Malvern, Worcestershire, and worked as an economics teacher until she became the Member for Parliament for some place called Redditch in 1997. A New Labour drone, she wept in sackcloth and ashes at Tony Blair's last appearance in the House of Commons (while the rest of the world, with the possible exception of the people who were going to have to put up with him in the Middle East, felt like they'd just dropped two tabs of E). Oh, the ups and downs of Jacqui's life! A happier...