August 2003 Archives

The scene:
A TV news studio in south London. Token Asian Presenter and Francis Tusa have just been discussing the latest use of cluster bombs on a village of Iraqi goat-herders...

Last week, Shak suggested that Madonna and Missy Elliot should really be getting the award. I hadn't seen the offending Gap advert at the time, so I couldn't really comment. I have now...

Let's be clear about this. Madonna is possibly the greatest corporate whore of them all, and I've had about as much of her as I can stomach. A couple of months ago I was treated to the nauseating spectacle of her trying to hock her new album 'American Life', with her dressed up in Zapatista garb and attempting some Che Guevara chic. And now we have her whoring herself for Gap Jeans. Jesus suffering fuck woman, you couldn't have missed the point more dramatically if you tried.

Lest you all wonder what my objection is, Gap clothing is not manufactured in conditions which could be described as anything close to humane. Indeed, the conditions that the EPZ (Export Processing Zone) employees toil in, is the stuff of legend. For more information on this see Naomi Kleins 'No Logo' book. Also, here is an article from the news on monday concerning the Gap sweatshops.

Madonna: you are the corporate whore of the week.

So there I was. Watching TV. Having a nice time. All was dandy chez birdbath. All was hunky dory. All was deadly. All was Buzzin. And then the adverts started. And I had an idea. From now on, once a week if I can do it, I shall be naming the corporate whore of the week. This is an award which will go to the greatest media prostitute that has caught my attention in the last seven days.
So, let's begin shall we? This week's winner is...

Elton John.

Token Asian presenter: 'So what do you think will happen next Francis? What can we expect to see in the next few days of this obviously on-going conflict?'
(Cut to Francis in a playpen of sand, a toy tank in one hand and his cock in the other)
Francis Tusa: 'Nyahhhhhhh, take that ya hun bastards!!! budda budda BOOOOM!!!'
Token asian presenter: 'Ah ha ha ha ha. Very good Francis!! But seriously: what can we expect to see in the next few days?'
(Cut back to Francis who is now furiously wanking, gurning and sweating with one hand whilst he uses the other to roger himself with a toy spitfire)
Francis Tusa: 'Well token Asian presenter, we can expect to see lots of dead burnt babies, nyaaaaaaaahh, blood and guts and flayed skin, urrrrr, aborted foetuses falling from the sky, hhhheeeeeeeeeeee, death and shit and veins between my teeth.... aaaaaaaaaaaah, blood, rivers and rivers of blood and arse-filth.... eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaa.... fire and screaming women with no tops on.... oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus!!!!!!!" (A great spray of jysum hits the camera and there is a hasty cut back to token Asian presenter, who is sitting in silence with a large blob of spunk dangling off the end of her nose)
Token Asian presenter: "(After a lengthy pause) Ok. And here's Lisa with the weather..."

The scene: a boardroom.

Marketing guy 1: 'Yes, well the basic premise is that we get pair of teenage sluts who would be otherwise chugging cock down a laneway for cash and then fill them full of class A drugs'
Marketing guy 2: 'Ooohh . Good numbers in class A drugs...'
Marketing guy 1: 'You betcha. Then we convince them to suck each others faces, fondle each other's tits, flick each others beans and generally behave like a pair of prick-teasing paedo's wet dream whores live on every TV across the globe...'
Marketing guy 2: 'Ooohh . Good numbers in face sucking...But what about the music? I mean we can't just get them to do Bee Gees numbers...'
Marketing guy 1: 'Ahhh. You remember that bloke we had on the books? The convicted kiddiefiddler? Used to write for Louis Walsh? We'll get him to throw a few tracks together'
Marketing guy 2: 'Outstanding'
Marketing guy 1: 'Right. So then we dress them up in school uniforms...'
Marketing guy 2: 'Ooohh yes. Good numbers in school uniforms...'
Marketing guy 1: '...and then we light our cigars with a bundle of fifty dollar bills that we make from all of the stupid FHM-reading fucking morons who are actually stupid enough to go out and buy this shit'
Marketing guy 2: 'Whilst snorting lines of coke of the girls arses as we give them a good fudge-packing?'
Marketing guy 1: 'Absolutely. Because you know what we say about fudge-packing don't we?'
Marketing guy 2: 'Ehmmmmm. Great numbers?'
Marketing guy 1: 'You betcha. Now, pass me the Goat's blood...'

Bouncers needed

Bouncers wanted for posh, over priced wanker bar in central Dublin. Applicants must be obnoxious, opinionated, condescending, argumentative, sexist thugs. The successful candidates will be an insufferable smug cunt with at least four years experience in beating, gouging, battering, kneecapping, and maiming young Dublin men who have committed no crime other than having one too many drinks and then looking at you the wrong way.

A shaven head, ham fists, black coat /turtle neck sweater and a patronising sneer preferable. Special consideration will be given to those with experience in the criminal underworld and/or lying to the Gardai after needlessly crippling someone in an alleyway.
careers@poshwankerpub.ie

Hideous, buck-toothed 'It' girl seeks gay men in their early twenties to sit around with in Cafe en Seine on Saturday nights and help me run up a monstrous debt on daddy's credit card. Must be interested in listening to hours of my vapid mindless twaddle, pointless inanities regarding my course in interior design and my hobbies of shopping, talking about myself, shopping, smoking, oh - and shopping. Bisexual or straight men need not apply, as I am currently recovering from a nasty vaginal infection after that time I fucked the entire Terenure rugby team in the back of a Saab and you as you have about as much chance of scoring with me as you have of seeing Fianna Fail run the country properly.
twitteringasshole@marketingslut.ie

Vapid, mindless, 28 year old BMW driving Marketing slut, seeks male company for fun, water sports and the consumption of everything that rampant capitalism has to offer. Preferably looking for a tall, well built male with his own cash and own mind but will actually settle for any bald slimy short-arsed millionaire kiddie-fiddling rapist that has enough cash to keep me in the manner to which I am accustomed. Hobbies include laughing out loud whilst sitting in the street sipping latte at 8 euro a millilitre outside some style mad corporate franchise bar off Grafton street, acting like a spoilt rotten brat, demanding constant attention and spending great bags of cash in order to fill the enormous gaping chasm at the centre of my soul which has been there since Daddy cut off my allowance and ran of with the Philipino maid.
first_against_the_walll@mareketingslut.ie

Vile socialite bitches unite!

Gravel-voiced, hatchet-faced, chain smoking socialite bitch seeks late 30-something venomous new media harpies for fun, frolics, twittering like an emaciated pelican and drinking over-priced skinny lattes. Must have a 40-a-day Marlboro addiction brought on by an utter terror of actually eating anything and re-inforced by a spectacularly narrow minded view of the world, culled from watching endless repeats of Sex in the City on E4. Must have absurdly blonde hair, hollow sunken eyes, a face hidden by two inches of surgically applied make-up, a septum-less red raw nose and a body not unlike that seen staggering out the gates of Auschwitz at the end of the second world war.
Contact: brittlebitch@marketingslut.ie

Insurance company seeks graduates for unique employment opportunities.

Are you an amoral, money-grabbing scumbag? A low-life, grasping little parasite not worthy of being scraped of society's shit splattered boot? Have you aspirations of breaking into an industry run by craven blood-sucking vampires who prey on society and conspire to bring Ireland to the brink of bankruptcy? Can you look a guy in the eyes and tell him that the 9/11 tragedy is the real reason why his insurance bill has risen by 800% and keep a straight face while doing it?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you're the guy for us!!!
Candidates will display an ability to come up with ever more creative ways to suck the very last drop of blood out of an already over-taxed and under-paid population until they are reduced to gibbering, dribbling wrecks. Experience in black-market slavery, pimping for the man and taking it up the ass from a hooting gang of fat middle aged white men will be a bonus.

Please send a CV (with covering letter) detailing your education, political connections, golf-club allegiances and any other membership details of satanic cults/paedophile rings to: corporateshill@venalbastards.ie

Manager wanted for singer:

Talentless, warbling pretty boy with tight arse, bleach blonde hair, no morals, a lust for cash, a penchant for moralising charity work, inane grin and a wardrobe that cost as much as it would to innoculate half of africa from the aids virus, seeks unscrupulous, venal, money grabbing cuntdribble of a record producer who will abuse, debase, shit on, piss on, snort coke off the upturned arsehole of and dump like last years versace t-shirt on the shit heap of celebrity anonymity until reduced to selling 'i was buggered senseless with an aubergine by z-list morning chat show scumwad' stories to max fuckin clifford. Must be willing to defecate into my salivating open mouth.
Contact: freshmeat@popcunt.ie

Fat, sweaty 22-year old Rugby playing, beer-swilling Blackrock arsehole, seeks odious groups of chest-beating Neanderthals for drinking session in south Dublin city. Urgency required due to being dumped by current friends after taking massive bung from insurance company to play rugger for a northside team, raping a scanger bird from the Oliver Bons' flats and bribing the local TD to make the charges go away. Interests include drinking, whacking off on to McVities Hob Nobs, talking about rugby, drinking, talking about myself, crashing cars and secretly filming my 30 year old stepmother in the shower. And drinking.
Contact: uttercunt@daddyisalawyer.ie