Recently in The what now? Category

(DUBLIN) Anne-Marie McIlwrath, a 23-year-old, coke-hoovering, Prada-wearing twonk, brutally snubbed the advances of Lenny 'Liquids' O'Neill this Saturday night in a north-Dublin pub, leaving O'Neill with a face like a slapped arse and puke on his pants.

Forlorn

O'Neill, blind-drunk and aimlessly wandering around the pub staring at women's tits and forlornly looking for a ride, approached McIlwrath with the sinister phrase 'Hi, my name's Lenny' upon which McIlwrath began shrieking like a banshee in labour and threatening to spray O'Neill with a can of mace. She further told O'Neill that she would kick his 'ugly fuckin face in' with her stilletos if he came a inch closer.

(DUBLIN) Bertie Ahern, the Irish Prime Minister (Taoiseach, pronounced 'tee-shock'), announced a daring new initiative this afternoon in an attempt to drive his popularity figures upwards to what many analysts predict could be an all-time high. The Irish Leader announced that he intends to take his entire Parlimentary party to a strip-bar and get them off their faces in a blizzard of cocaine, 'e' and Red Bull. From there, the group will proceed to rob a branch of Allied Irish Bank in O'Connell Street at gunpoint and then drive at break-neck speed to the studios of RTE, the national broadcaster, wherupon Ahern will lead his cabinet in a live, televised orgy of drugs, violent death, under-aged sex and Jaffa cake consumption.

A trio of inebriated thirty something nerds, struggled vainly for two hours last night to turn on an early prototype of the Playstation 3. Monged beyond all reason, the three software programmers used every means at their disposal to play a game of 'Tiger Woods Golf', but were thwarted in their efforts by a panoply of cables, an obstreporous television and an enormous bag of weed.

'Those aren't real nails' says fat, odious foul-mouthed, fear-mongering, low-life, drug-addicted scumbag.

Right-wing American shock-jock Rush Limbaugh took time out from his busy schedule of sacrificing chickens and small children to the Dark Lord of Hades, whoring for the Republican party and desperately trying to hide the fact that he is, in fact, everything he professes to hate this morning, to cast doubt on the authenticity of Jesus' crucifixion.

'I don't buy it for a second', spluttered Limbaugh, whilst masturbating furiously over a computer generated picture of George W. Bush in fish-nets and high-heels. 'He's wriggling around on that cross like a spastic worm, arms flapping all over the place. He's faking it. Faking it! He's a professional liar! Those wounds on his hands? Ketchup! Nails through the feet? Bought them in a joke shop! Crown of thorns? Crown of cotton wool more like. Spear through the side? Barely tickled him, the con-artist. And I ain't the only one that says so either. The Koran says the same thing...'

(DUBLIN) Christian fundamentalists burnt a copy of the Koran today in a ceremony designed to, according to Reverend Maggie Kelp, 'show those heathen, Godless bastards what's what!' Muslims the world over responded in typical fashion by shrugging their shoulders and saying 'meh'.

Blather's award -winning uber-scoop Filthy Hack contacted a local Dublin Imam to ask for his reaction to the provocative act. He replied 'Yeah, and?'. 'But they called Allah a false prophet' countered Hack. 'So? Doesn't matter what they say. We know better' said the Imam, sprinkling a spoonful of sugar into his green tea.

(LONDON) Porn industry moguls are reporting a marked spike in the conumption of dodgy web-cam recorded midget porn. Variously known as 'prog-porn', 'short-porn', 'runt-humping' and 'knob-polishing', pornography for persons of restricted growth has become a inter-web boom industry due to the shorter download times involved, leading to calls (from concerned housewives from Clontarf, north Dublin) for unionisation, wage controls and careful regulation of the burgeoning industry.

'Tis the dwarves that go swimming wi' little hairy women!'

'Short people equals shorter downloading' said Widget BallBagg, president and CEO of 'Progporker Productions ('hot, hairy dwarf action for the discerning bed-sit wanker') in an intervierw which he gave us yesterday. 'People just seem to be going hog-fucking-wild for midget porn'.

Top selling titles include the animated adventures of Tweaky from Buck Rogers ('Beedy-Beedy-Fuck!') and the scandalous 'Short Legs Big Schlong' trilogy starring that lisping twat from Fantasy Island.

We'll have more from the exclusive interview with Widget in a later Globaleyes.

(MANCHESTER) Sir Alex Ferguson has fired God, the Archangels and several hundred prominent saints in a dramtic close-season Old Trafford/Heaven clear-out. Details are scant at this stage but sources close to the football club have indicated that the manager's decision stemmed from a percieved lack of committment from the Almighty.

'He's raging mad' said a Man United source who asked to remain anonymous. 'This has been building for several weeks now and would seem to stem from an incident earlier this year'. The incident is alleged to have taken place shortly after Ferguson fired his long-serving captain Roy Keane who subsquently moved to Celtic. Allegedly, Ferguson was holding counsel with the Supreme Being and took umbrage that the bearded one was not paying full attention. 'He was also furious with the Archangels Gabriel and Raphael. They didn't listen to his plaintive cries for a new captain and left him ashen-faced and swearing like a Corkman'

Ferguson declined to comment, instead releasing a terse press-release this morning stating that he would be discussing the matter with the board this afternoon and consulting with the Chairman and Unholy Overlord (a small bearded man dressed in a red jump-suit and horns) as to the club's next move.

More:

Fergie fires the doc

Gabby: And welcome back to the studio. Now we can go to pitch side where Filthy Hack is ready to talk to a disconsolate Arsenal captain.

Cut to pitch side where a forlorn Thierry Henry is rubbing an onion across his eyes.

Hack: So, Terry 'ol guv. What happened?
Henry: Weeel. It was a travesty. Everyone was against us. The players played against us. The ref was against us. Ze linesman was against us...
Hack: Yeah yeah, but what about that sitter you missed?
Henry:.. and ze fourf officeeel...
Hack: Uh huh. And that shot?
Henry:... and ze moles dug up ze surface before ze game...
Hack: Terry. Guv. The shot?
Henry: ...und ehmmmmm, ze Opus Dei were trying to kill us and eat us, ze freemasons abducted our kit-man, ze CIA bugged our dressing room...
Hack: Terry?
Henry:... ze funky-lookeeeng aliens bummed Sol in is hotel rooom and ze Spurs team send us sum pasta and ze...
Hack: TERRY! THE SHOT.
Just off camera Ronaldinho is draping a Barca flag across Henry's shoulders.
Henry:... and ze worms made 'oles on ze grass and ze...

Cut to studio where El Tel is staring at Gabby's breasts.

Gabby: Thierry Henry. A heartbroken man. What do you think Terry? Was he unfairly treated?
El Tel: mmmmmm. ooooo. mmmmmmmmm. middlesboro. mmmm.
Gabby: Terry?

Oh man. As an Irishman living in England I have come to hold the BNP in the same regard as Sinn Fein - as a shower of fat obnoxious, fear-mongering, neanderthal-thick, tattooed scumbags hell-bent on re-creating a utopia which never existed in the first place.

So it was with considerbale amusement that I read a recent story in the news in which it emerged that Richard Barnbrook (of the BNP) once featured in a gay-porn flick. According to the Irish independent:

The film - HMS Discovery: A Love Story - includes long scenes of men undressing and fondling each other, including full-frontal nudity, naked men clawing passionately at each other's bodies while standing in a river, and a naked man apparently performing a sex act on another, according to the Evening Standard. In its election manifesto, the far-right BNP proposed a local vote so parents could decide if they want to 'prohibit the teaching of homosexuality as an alternative lifestyle choice'.

After laughing like a drain for about three hours, I had the sense to set P45ers' a challenge: name the very best BNP fag-porn so that we could collate the entries into one list. Ye know, for kids? And so, after some 3 hours of effort, here we have it:

Brokeback concentration camp. Thirty BNP heavies are incarcerated in a former cold war gulag (in sheffield) and arse-fucked to death by a gang of bad-boy london yardies. In the midst of the buggery, screaming and selected readings of 'mein camp-bastard' two men find an unlikely but touching love...

Bi-tanic. A love that dare not speak its name flowers between a man and a woman and another two men on a doomed nazi prison-ship.

Raiders of the lost arse. An elite group of BNP archaeologists set out in a desperate bid to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant from its' hidden location in Ethiopia before the nefarious Americans get there first. However, their epic journey is beset by troubles and adventure, most infamously in the 100-man cannibal gang-bang in a big pot 'o vaseline scene.

The Brown Mile. As part of an experimental trans-atlantic programme for criminal rehabilitation, a select band of renegade Combat 18 jail-birds get sent to 'Bubbas' Bum Palace and Hoosegow Penitentiary' in Fort Worth Texas, where they must face the ordeal of trial by "Unga-Bunga".

White men Can't Jump each other. A BNP training video explaining why members should leave the bum lovin' to the lesser races.

Carrion Kampfing. Mincing nazis bugger corpses.

Black Hunter White Arse. A tale of a true British man's quest for anal integrity in the African Jungle. May contain nuts.

Das Booty. A moist damp tale of seamen diving into the unknown. Salty.

Mutton-dagger doppelganger. Whilst on duty in Iraq, a chance buggering from a prodigiously-membered Taleban scholar leaves Eric, a young soldier and BNP member, feeling bereft and alone. Now it's three years later and Erics' life has descended into a drug-fuelled search for a big-black cock that can tickle his little crevices.

The Hunt for White October. An epic tale of heroism and romance on board the BNP submarine White October which is relentlessy pursued by the Submarine killer HMS Integration. Cringe as the ass virgin's whimpering alerts the enemy sonar-men, cheer as John Smith empties his torpedo tubes...

The Great Asscape. Several hundred Allied POWs plan a mass escape from a German POW (Poof Of War) camp. During routine exercise time the poofs execute a daring plan to tunnel through the dirt under a jumphorse. Flight Lt. Sandy MacDonald starts out butt can't quite make it over the horse, Chalky Rogers comes over to help from behind...

Bulbous Bags stars in Bored of the Rings! A sad tale of a jaded BNP queen, who has shagged his way through the finest of British elvish manhood, but cannot get rid of the ennui. Watch as he grasps Gandalf's wand. Cheer as he buggers Arrahorn (half-elf, half-Kerryman). Not even athletic rimfucking from Legoverass can satisfy him. A quick session with Gobblem does nothing.

British History XXX. A powerful moving tale of British nazi, sent to prison for murder and the unlikey love that springs up as he and a black man redeem each other while cleaning the underpants of the other prisoners. In the end he learns, true love is colourblind. And that he should have used some lube.

Who creamed Richard Barnbrook? Semi-animated romp in which BNP councillors and their cartoon friends try to "get to the bottom" of the mystery of who "creamed" Richard Barnbrook. Starring Richard Barnbrook as himself, with Bums Buddies, Deputy Dong, Milky Mouse and Droopy.

More:

Original thread here