Just another dog photo eh? NO. This magnificent creature is a Fortean phenomenon. This is Barney: The Beast of Turnpike Lane* - the dog that I share a house with. This photo has somehow contrived to make him look small, but Barney is about the size of a Shetland pony. He's a huge bounding, panting, slobbering, mindlessly optimistic, incredibly friendly juggernaut of muscle.
It's difficult to be precise how big he is, but sufficeth to say that he knocked me down last week - as he cannoned past me on the stairs before sprinting up the hallway and sliding into the front door with a bang that shook the wall.
Oh and here's the funniest bit: he's still a puppy. And yes, he's had his nuts off and no, it hasn't slowed him down.
Anyway, Barney likes to eat things. Big things. Plastic things. Metal things. In the time I've lived with him he's eaten two carpets, one camera (not mine), a cat flap (I'm not making this up - he ate the thing right off the door), a leather coat, a mattress, two remote controls, four pairs of shoes, one pair of glasses and two broadband cables.
In the time since I posted this photo on Flickr this morning, he's had the carpet off the stairs.
His most spectacular chow-down was the time he ate through the boot of the car and chewed through the brake-light cables. Visitors to the house have learnt the cost of leaving stuff lying around on tables and chairs. He will eat anything - hence the now common expression heard about our house,'You've been Barneyed'.
I'm seriously expecting that any day now, I'll get a phone call from my housemate Dan: 'Nah sorry mate, you better not come home. Yeah, Barney's eaten the living room. No, the whole thing. Yeah, sofas and walls. Nah, bit of a breeze..'
He's also (and I say this with all love and affection) possibly the dumbest dog in London - I've seen him run into doors, walls and his own reflection in windows. On one occasion someone called his name, and in anticipation of having some fun (it doesn't take much to get him excited) he spun on his heels and walloped his skull off the kitchen table with a bang that could be heard upstairs. It sounded like a bowling ball smashing into a floorboard. He didn't even blink.
He's got two different coloured eyes, dodgy hips (he takes hydro-therapy - seriously), can't bark properly, gets lost in the garden and despite weeks of training, doesn't understand (never mind obey) even the most basic commands. Actually that's a lie: he's just started to sit on command. Sort of. He just kind of, well, falls on his ass.
He is (to use the common expression in our house) a fucking beast. Barney - the Beast of Turnpike Lane*.
+Music+
The 13 Sins of Scooby Doo by Celebrity Murder Party
* the Spud
:-D I LOVE Barney!
He should get together with Nikki (my woofer) and he can learn how to play hide and seek.
That's Nikki's idea of a laugh. You go for a walk and turn round to see where he is and he's gone.
Then he pops out from behind some tree or bush or something and just grins at you like it's the funniest thing in the universe.
Fun at first but then after a few hours trying to find the wee bugger, the joke kinda wears a bit thin.....
Dogs, who'd have em eh?
Wow! What an amazing dog! that's such an interesting story, I'd really love to hear more about Barney and his wild ways, why not submit your stories to the London Metro? We'd love to hear from you. All the best Gary, Metro Editor.