Presenting the ‘Blather Book Handling Service’
Thinking about ordering Blather.net's new book 'A Load of Blather' but don't know if you'll have the time to read it? Are you concerned that a tell-tale pristine copy will trash your cred with the kids? Worried your friends might think you only bought the book to have something bohemian and trendy lying around in the shitter? Fear ye not, for the makers of 'A Load of Blather' are proud to present the 'Blather Book Handling Service'. For a mere €159.99 (an hour) we'll dog-ear, tea-stain, underline and generally batter the crap out of the thing so that it looks...
Snail Allegedly Prosecuted for Alleged Anti-Slimentologist Views
A snail has allegedly been scooped off the ground and arrested, allegedly, for allegedly expressing anti-Slimentologist views outside the London headquarters of the Church of Slimentology. Allegedly. Slimentologists were allegedly horrified to see a snail-trail on the pavement outside their building, which allegedly appeared to be English words drawn in slime. An alleged spokesman for the police told us that "the slime has been forwarded to the Crown Prosecution Service". But what were the alleged words of offence? We have received alleged reports that state that allegedly the alleged phrase was "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names...
The Assassination of Noam Chomsky: Which Flying Saucer Acted Alone?
No doubt you remember where you were when you heard about the shocking and horrible events of February 28. Feared academic, writer, rambler and digressionator, Noam Chomsky, was killed by a lone flying saucer in Antarctica, alongside his many lawyers. As is well known, Chomsky, the alleged author of The Art of Discreet Farting in Company, has powers of levitation, and he was hovering through Antarctica, along with his levitating conference table, around which were seated on levitating chairs his eleven lawyers, including Patricia "Libel Eyes" McInearnest and Diego "El Slandero" Jocacola. Chomsky was holding court, reminiscing fondly about his...
Frank Ward Dies on Ostrich Farm
Who could have known that the story of Ireland's Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's solicitors Frank Ward & Co. threatening politics.ie into silence would take this truly shocking twist? Frank Ward, the Senior Managing Partner (capital S, capital M, capital P) and Founder (capital F) of Frank Ward & Company, Solicitors (capital F, capital W, capital C, capital S) has been found dead following a horrific incident on his Kilkenny ostrich farm! Frank's Company (capital C) was Founded (with a capital F) in 1981 and represented Fianna Fail in the McCracken Tribunal and Flood Tribunal, and currently represents Fianna Fail in the...
The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP Drowns
It's not every day I read about someone in the news and the next thing they up and die in the most bizarre fashion! The Right Honourable Jacqui Smith MP, Home Secretary (what the British in typical obscurantist fashion call their minister for justice) died tragically this evening in a pet shop in London. The politician was born 3 November 1962 in Malvern, Worcestershire, and worked as an economics teacher until she became the Member for Parliament for some place called Redditch in 1997. A New Labour drone, she wept in sackcloth and ashes at Tony Blair's last appearance in...
Blather presents ‘Ireland’s Greatest Wits’
Yesterday, the lion's share of British media outlets ran with the story that a recent poll, conducted to figure out who was Britain's greatest wit, placed the writer Oscar Wilde at the top of a list of ten auspicious names. And indeed he was a funny chap. There's a slight issue though: Oscar Wilde was not British. Oscar Wilde was (drumroll) Irish. But no matter; let's not get hung up on semantics. In the interest of furthering Anglo-Irish relations, and generally educating the great unwashed, Blather.net now humbly submits its list of Ireland's greatest wits for your perusal and comment....
Deadly Skunk Floods London
Dramatic new evidence of the dangers of rogue jihadi animals emerged today as government scientists warned that a most harmful "stink" is flooding our streets. Crack Al Qaeda skunks have been caught on CCTV pissing, shitting and spraying London water services in an attempt to foul up the city's drinking grog. 'London water is a globally-recognised brand - known for it's purity, cheap costs and chemical benevolence' guffawed a Thames Effluence spokesman through barely controlled sniggers. An un-named source at the Ministry of Baseless Scaremongering said that a lethal 'Al Qaeda skunk' (acting on orders from Osama Bin Laden's cat)...
Bundles Ahern, Northern Rock and the Scourge of Puff Daddy’s Bling
An odd week here in the London branch of Blather Towers. As well as changing locations (from the leafy suburbs of Muswell Hill to the altogether more interesting and noisy Turnpike Lane) we're also going back to college. To play games. No, seriously. Anyhoosa, inbetween unpacking boxes, bouts of fending off the largest dog in London (long story) and getting lost on the tube, we found time to indulge ourselves in one of our favourite hobbies: howling laughing at Irish politics. Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Bertie 'Bundles' Ahern has been having a rough week. He's had his arse dragged into...
Kate McCann declared ‘Haguido’
Portugese police stepped up their investigations into the disappearance of Maddie McCann this morning, in particular their continued focus on Kate McCann, by officially declaring her a 'haguido', requesting permission to search her body for superflous nipples, signs of fornication with the great beast and finally to have her burnt at the stake for being blatantly more intelligent than the half-witted, strategically-shaved primates that are supposed to be leading the search for her missing child. Blather dispatched its finest man, (fives-times blogger of year runner-up) the redoubtable Filthy Hack, to the resort of Praia da Luz in Portugal this morning,...
How to Fly a Building
Have you vague feelings that you are searching for something inexpressible? At last at Blather we have discovered what you should be doing with yourself. You need to fly a building. Here is our how-to guide. Step 1: Find a building. You need to go where buildings can be found. A journey through the heated desert wastes, or the cold snowy wastes, are a waste of time. Also avoid those excessive stretches of lush countryside. Buildings can be found in great abundance in towns and cities, so that's where you should go. Step 2. Gain entry to the building. Buildings...