Singer Changes Costume Thirty Times In Effort To Hide Fact Her Music Is Complete Shit
(photo by Bayer NYC, used under a Creative Commons license) A prominent techno-diva with a penchant for dressing-up like a mentally ill chimp that's been kicked through the BBC costume department, changed outfit in excess of thirty times during a live concert last night, in order to divert attention away from the fact that her music is bland, anodyne, sub-Britney knobcheese. Lady Gagbag (nee Luralee Hicks) worked her way through a dizzying array of costume and jewellery changes during a ninety-minute set at the Painfully Cool New York Music Event That You Weren't At last night, showcasing costumes which onlookers...
Laptop With Nefarious Illuminati Plans For Global Domination Left On London Underground Train
(image by Penningtron, used under a Creative Commons license) The revelation that nefarious, top secret plans for global domination were left on a London Underground train is the latest in a string of recent embarrassments over data security lapses for the Illuminati. In November of last year, it was disclosed that more than 1,000 Illuminati computers and laptops had been lost or stolen in recent years. The Ministry of Insidious Mind-Control was the worst offender, with 503 laptops or PCs missing in the past decade, with the Ministry of Staring Into the Great Inky Abyss Whilst We Await The Arrival...
Easter Bunny To Give Key-Note Speech At Conference For Climate-Change Sceptics
(image by tm lv, used under a Creative Commons license) Organisers of the first major conference dedicated to climate-change scepticism have announced that the Easter Bunny will be delivering the key-note speech on April 1st this year. In what's being seen as something of a coup for the climate-change sceptics movement, organisers of this first international conference in the discipline have confirmed the appearance of the Easter Bunny. This announcement comes hot on the heels of last week's much-hyped confirmations that Santa Claus, several tooth-fairies and representatives of the Leprechaun community would also be attending the high-profile event. The climate-change...
George Lee says he would ‘LOVE IT, JUST LOVE IT’ if Fine Gael lost the next election
George Lee T.D., pictured during his resignation rant in the Dail Eireann canteen at 11am yesterday Scandal and screaming in Dail Eireann as TD George Lee peppers the chamber door with assorted toys fired from an armoured pram. Fine Gael TD George Lee resigned from the Dail in spectacular fashion yesterday morning, when upon finding himself sitting alone in the Dail canteen for the ninth working day in a row (as fellow FGers sat together at the 'cool kids' table), Lee is reported to have flung his food tray at the wall, stamped his feet and launched into a volley...
Blather.net’s Terms and Conditions
In May of 2010, Blather.net will be thirteen years old. That's thirteen. Puberty, ladies and spambots, is imminent and the wearing of short trousers will no longer be tolerated. In light of this disturbing turn of events (and the increasingly litigious, cut-throat monitoring of general web-activities by THEM), we have felt it necessary to update our Terms and Conditions to reflect this momentous period of change. Putting the shit back in the cow 1. Blogs: Blather.net is not 'a blog'. Anyone referring to us as a 'a blog' will find themselves on the business end of a law-suit that will...
Ireland Jumps on Bandwagon: Blames Cold Snap on US Administration
Via Roighters: The Irish government today announced that it would immediately align itself with Venezuelan president Victor Chavez in blaming the United States for Everything That's Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet, in particular the recent 'cold' weather in Ireland In a surprise briefing to reporters on the steps of Leinster House, Taoiseach Brian Cowen grimaced into the cold February wind, before launching into a tirade against the current US administration. "Now in fairness, I think it's a bit of coincidence how the winters have suddenly gotten colder since Mr Osama took over in the White House", said...
Chavez Blames U.S. Gov’t for Absolutely Everything That’s Ever Gone Wrong in History of the Planet
(image by Que Comuniso!, used under a Creative Commons license) Presidents Chavez and Ahmadinejad blame Obama administration for the Haiti earthquake, conflict in Israel, 13th century plague, the Crusades, the sinking of the Titanic and the clogging of Kim Jong Il's toilet. A special conference, convened by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has met in Caracas Venezuela to explore ways in which alternative historians can justifiably blame the United States of America for any natural, political or military disaster since the dawn of time. Historians, anthropologists, economists and randomly selected performance artists gathered together for a...
The Blather Guide to Unparliamentary Language
'Fuck you Mick. Fuck you.' In honour of Deputy Paul Gogarty's recent fit in Dail Eireann, and the newly announced efforts of The House to clarify what is and isn't 'parliamentary', we humbly present the The Big Blather Christmas Guide to Parliamentary Language and Behaviour. 1. As and of January 6th 2010, all TDs will hereby be addressed as 'my nigga'. In the interest of fostering diversity and tolerance, 'my wigga' is also acceptable. 'Homes' is not. 2. Disputes (within the same gender) arising from any chamber debates will be resolved in the Dail carpark with a set of 18th...
Blather Editorial Staff OUTRAGED at Lack of Allegations of Mi5 Collusion
Horror and outrage at Blather HQ, as list of 'revealed' Mi5 spooks fails to include a single member of the Blather High Command. Scum Second last to get picked for football. That's what we were as young childer. Second last to get picked. Not last to get picked you understand, oh no, but second last. I can't remember what happened to the guy who was always picked last (I think he may be a hedge fund manager now) but I do recall the lasting psychological damage that it inflicted on the poor lad. Bed-wetting. Tantrum-throwing. Public masturbation. An audition on...
The Catholic Church’s Guide To Raping Kids Without Raping Them
(image by Leo Reynolds, used under a Creative Commons license) In light of the latest report into the cover-up of child-abuse by the Catholic Church in Ireland (and the inevitable national bout of impotent shaking rage, ringing Joe Duffy's phone off the hook and screaming until your face explodes) Blather.net found itself fascinated by the notion which the clergy have been throwing around as an excuse for buggering kids - the idea of 'mental reservation' and how this facilitates a condition of 'lying without lying'. Yes, you read that right. Determined to get to the bottom of this latest linguistic...