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(GALWAY) Long-term lonely-heart and five-times 'Bunny Boiler of the Year' award-winner Mairead O'Hoop claimed she was struck deaf by the incessant ticking of her own biological clock last night, in the midst of a frenetic round of speed dating. Having successfully scared off five men in under six minutes, O'Hoop (32, possibly 38) was reported to be in the midst of conversing with a handsome manure farmer from Leitrim and was so taken with his manly charms, that the passing seconds became akin to the bongs of the Angelus, rendering her incapable of hearing his screams for mercy as she...

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Last night, at the water torture facility at Mosney, Sheikhin' Stevens admitted to all his foul crimes, including the terrorist attacks on America of September 11, 2001, the Bali bombing, the Madrid bombing and the July 7 bombings in London. "I did it all," he said in a statement issued to the press by his jailers. "I did your seplember elementh whatever it was! I also did Pearl Harbour hee hee ha ha. I was the Zodiac Killer too. It was I who assassinated JFK from the Grassy Knoll, letting the infidel Oswald take the fall. I also assassinated RFK,...

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(DUBLIN) The entire population of the Republic of Ireland are due to gather on Dollymount Strand, Clontarf this coming weekend to join in the world's largest instance of impotent fist-shaking at a neighbouring nuclear polluter. 'We're gonna tell them British bastards what's feckin' what so we feckin are' said a random drunk who crawled out from under a nearby rock. Campaign manager Gubnait O'Toss says that the demonstration will send a powerful message to British Prime Minister Tony Blair and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) that the Irish people are serious about the issues of nuclear waste disposal in the Irish...

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(LONDON) Slightly mishaven, tweed-wearing men the world over were aghast this Tuesday gone when Craven McMoneygrab, the newly installed manager of the Morrisey junket, announced that the legendary bequiffed caterwauler had finally, once and for all, run out of things to moan about. *Heaven Knows You're Miserable NOW* Filthy Hack, Blather.net's correspondent on idle, useless celebrity tittle-tattle informs us that Morrissey was in mid-whine (sources state that he was directing his ire at the current dearth of decent hair products on the market) when 'Moz' was overcome with a chronic attack of being 'utterly sick of the sound of his...

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Special Blather correspondent Elimare, regales us with a charming Christmas tale, inspired by the annual Xmas display in the Brown Thomas windows, on Dublin's Grafton Street. Taken from the ever-readable blog 'Severe Jam Damage', 'A very Eli Christmas' looks at the other side of the holiday season in Ireland - the one that the tourist board probably doesn't want you to know about. Photo by Elimare. Twas the night before Xmas And quicker than quick The whores and the sluts were turning their tricks. The hookers were trussed up in leather and lace and the Johns paid extra to cum...

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Do you need answers?! Here are letters taken from the problem pages of magazines. They were meant for run-of-the-mill agony aunts, but we showed them to our own Taoist sage, who is never wrong! Should I give myself to him? “I’m still a virgin. In fact, up until now, I’ve never had a boyfriend – although I’m in love with a lad at work. The snag is, he has a girlfriend. However, she lives miles away, and rarely comes to see him. When she does visit, I have to pretend to be her friend just so that me and this...

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(DUBLIN) Jojoba Witnesses were 'outraged' today when a passing Irishman threw a dirty rope to a drowning Jojoba Witness in the Grand Canal. Horrified at coming into contact with an 'unclean substance' the Jojoba Witnesses have marched on the offices of the Irish Government to express their disgust at this repulsive act of of benevolence. It was an average day for Myles na gCopaleen, taking, as was his custom, a stroll down the banks of the Grand Canal in Dublin city centre. The quiet morning ambulation was disrupted when na gCopaleen was alerted to the shrieks and screams of a...

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(DUBLIN) Violent protests erupted in Dublin today when enraged Bloggers took to the streets to express their outrage at Blather writer Samwise Doran for his speech earlier this week, wherein he quoted a 700 year-old conversation between a html programmer and an xml developer which was written on a UCD toilet wall. Church leaders, horse-fetishists, lake-monster hunters, politicians, satanists and bitter, twisted discussion forum harridans rampaged across Dublin city centre this morning in a bacchanalian frenzy of spam, spittle and cannibalism. In a worrying escalation of events, further riots are reported to be breaking out across the globe, with violent...

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BELFAST. Uproar in Northern Ireland as Republican activists rampage across the web, leaving a trail of spam, badly-spelt blog comments and a faint whiff of cheap perfume. 'A bunch of dirty, sleeveen bogtrotter bastards' says shady balaclava-wearing thug. Escalation Competition for domain names has always been intense, leading to frequent battles between organisations looking to eke out a presence on the net. But now, in a case which could result in a landmark ruling by a baseball-bat wielding heavy in an illegal kangaroo-court, web commentators fear that a recent spate of domain hijacking could lead to a dangerous escalation of...

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Are you chronically dull? Do you require constant attention? Do you find yourself seeking endless validation on discussion forums? If so, then you need 'The Interested Bear'! Brought to you by special blather correspondent, Moon. Yes, the all-new Interested Bear will appear to show interest in any and every thing you say, no matter how boring it is, or how many times you've said it before. The Interested Bear has been pre-programmed with a repertoire of meaningless cliches designed to show he is paying attention, however scant, to whatever it is you're saying. Cute cues, such as "Is that so?"...